Fitchburg, MA – With recent news headlines about President Trump’s impeachment inquiry and the recent move to take troops out of Syria, for reasons not known to us here at The Lemon, the once-booming factory city of Fitchburg, Massachusetts, has fallen out of major headlines. What once started out as a simple debate over the 2019 Ford Fusion vs 2019 Kia Optima, has led to a full-scale removal of guns from the city and a wall built, keeping the residents of the city stuck in what they are describing as hell.
We were able to send one of our reporters, Ashley Skattati, to interview those who were impacted by the events. She met with Richard Creamer, who lost his wife as a result of the wall.
“I told her, I told her to remember her gun when she left the house. How? How do the democrats think we are going to protect ourselves from the damn wall? This is just crazy! I just told her to be careful, get milk, and diapers, and get home?” Richard Creamer stated when asked about how the wall impacted his life.
The was built after a spirited debate started between the neighboring twin cities of Leominster and Fitchburg, MA. What should have ended with some peaceful grumblings, instead led to a massive riot with residents of Fitchburg toting guns and threatening to destroy Leominster. To further exasperate the issue, former Fitchburg resident Kaylina Prada accidentally released a virus that turned other Fitchburg residents into Walkers at the former Burbank Hospital.
Senator Elizabeth Warren stepped in with local Leominster officials, and backed by President Trump, they decided that the only solution was to build a wall around Fitchburg and to take away their guns. Thus creating an army of walkers to be released when needed.
What started as a normal day in Leominster, MA, in a nice Leominster neighborhood (behind the Watertown Plaza), that had colonial homes with the 2019 Ford Fusion in most driveways. I mean, who wouldn’t want the 2019 Ford Fusion? It was equipped with an infant car seat in the front passenger seat. The days of hiring the Mexican nannies from Fitchburg were over; his wife could just put the baby in the front seat and go on with her day.
According to Richard, he and Debbie had been married for four years before bringing their son Aiden into the world. While Debbie was pregnant, the first case of Walker’s disease was discovered in Atlanta, GA. Although there was no cure, the Republican party had been hard at work building a wall in the South to keep any known cases isolated. With the wall helping, there were still walkers that lived among us.
When asked about the Walker’s in Fitchburg, Richard explained, “they blended in. It was only when they got hungry and had no food source that you could tell they were a Walker, because they would bite you.
“I mean, they probably even paid taxes, sucked up our free healthcare and had a nice comfy daycare for their children to attend even with the wall around Fitchburg. And I am sure they were supplied with lobster and lottery from us upperclass men.”
When asked what happened to his wife, Richard stated, “Well. from what the police have told me, Deb was headed towards the Whitney Field Mall off Route 2, but got turned around by an 18-wheeler broken down. Aiden must have been getting fussy, so she was feeding him while driving. She must have gotten distracted and didn’t see that she was driving right towards Fitchburg at that damn plaza. I don’t even know if that plaza is Fitchburg, everyone here says its Leominster.”
“So, when you say feeding him, she was holding his bottle?”
“No, Aiden was solely breastfed. We believe in the natural process for feeding. None of them steroids for our boy. And he really loves the boob. That is what is so great about the Ford Fusion, you can drive and tend to your baby all at the same time. The new front passenger infant car seat allows you to give the baby any attention he or she, wait, we no longer identify as male or females, let me re-phrase…it may need…even on the go.”
“Wait a minute, hold on, she was breastfeeding her baby while driving?
“Yes, and baby Aiden was still secure in his car seat. I mean Deb’s boob was a little droopy from milk production, so that helps, but it is really easy to do with the built in front passenger baby seat.”
“So how is Debby and Aiden doing now?”
“Well. they are stuck at the Watertown Plaza. After the wall was finished, she couldn’t turn back. By the time I found where she was, two days later, she has been bitten by a Walker. She was found laying over Aiden protecting him with her boob still in place for feedings, and a bite in the ass. Aiden is probably fine, I’ll see if I can get that one panhandler from the Chinese food place to hand him over the wall to me, but we still don’t know if the disease is transmitted through boob juice. Deb, she will spend the rest of her life over there, unable to put her boob anywhere anyone would like it.”
So now, Richard Creamer has started a lawsuit against Elizabeth Warren and the Democratic Party.
His reasoning behind the lawsuit, “It’s simple. If Warren and the whole Democratic Party allowed Mr. Trump to build the wall sooner, we would likely have a lot less people from Fitchburg roaming among us. Deb may have never have gone to the other side and been bitten, and could still be at home banging me instead of bumping around half-dressed in the streets. And if the wall was built, we could simply toss them over and keep them out. Hell, if we really needed to we could have just toss them rioters over and taken their off-spring and keep them in cages. But also, had Deb been packin’ that day, she would have shot any Walker that came near her or our son. She carried at all times until all of our guns were revoked…and we aren’t from Fitchburg…and from what I can see, she is responsible for allowing Ford to make the car seat model vehicles. It was her leading the herd of Wall stoppers (goddamn sheep), and it was them, who is illegally controlling our use of protection, aka guns. And they are going to pay! I will get my full 50 billion, even if they have to steal it from Social Security. I ain’t from Fitchburg, damnit!”
Here at The Lemon we have just one thing to say after all of this, just stay out of Fitchburg…