After years of reviews and reporting, we’ve become seen as an expert source on automobiles. Thus, our readers often reach out for recommendations—the best SUVs for Midwestern families, the best cars for low-ambition college graduates, the best pickup trucks for men with small hands, etcetera.
However, there’s one category we’ve never addressed publicly, despite the vast amount of requests we’ve received about it: the best vehicles to commit different crimes with. These recommendation requests range from simple crimes like murder and double murder to complex crimes like bank heists, sex trafficking, and triple murder.
We’ve given our suggestions privately, but after years of compiling our answers, we’d like to break down our comprehensive list of automobiles we’d recommend for committing different kinds of crimes. So, buckle in, everybody, because we’re about to get felonious…
Burglary
Let’s start with a simple, popular crime wherein the swift and stealthy escape is the second half of the effort: burglary. If you’re not breaking into a house disguised as a jogger and then fleeing the same way, you’ll want something that blends into the neighborhood. Try an older model of a gray compact SUV like the Toyota RAV4 or Nissan Xterra.
Bank Robbery
Contrary to popular belief, the best getaway car is not a retro-styled Mini Cooper or a 2001 Dodge Caravan. You’ll want something with serious horsepower—so you can get to the highway as soon as possible—that’ll also be bland enough to blend into traffic. You’ll want a white or gray sedan (an older model) that prioritizes output over fuel efficiency, like a Volkswagen Golf (a hatchback) or an Infiniti Q60 (a coupe).
Police Chase (Legitimate Attempt at Evasion)
Naturally, evading police necessitates speed and handling, but mostly speed. You’ll want a fastback pony car like the Ford Mustang GT or a muscular pony car like the Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat or R/T Classic. These models’ brawny powertrains will give you a better fighting chance against the fuzz, but you’ll want to practice before the big test.
Police Chase (Self-Sabotage w/ Inevitable Capture)
There’s always the obvious bet—the Ford Bronco, which, fortunately for us, was reintroduced to the market in 2021—but we like a pick that embodies the inherent pity and desperation of this particular crime. Thus, we’d say either a burnt-orange second-gen Ford Ranger or a dark-colored fourth-gen Jeep Grand Cherokee.
Grand Theft Auto
This refers to motor vehicle theft; the video game of the same name is not illegal, although its purchase is restricted to those aged eighteen years or older. As for committing this crime, there is an inherent logical flaw since requesting our advice on the best automobile to help you steal an entirely different automobile means you would essentially be trading your current car for a new one illegally.
If your current car is likewise stolen, it doesn’t matter what car you start with because you’re clearly midway through a series of car thefts, with the end result just being your next vehicle—likely because your current one has run out of gas. If you possess your current car legally but are looking to leave it behind for one you’ll acquire illegally, you must not have evaluated the benefits, losses, and risks involved; we recommend you do so.
However, if your intention is to use your car to prowl around for a target that your buddy will attempt to steal, well, in that case, we recommend something small, quiet, nimble, and available in black. Two great options are the Toyota Corolla compact sedan and the Chevy Trailblazer subcompact SUV.
Performing Abortions in States Where Women Don’t Have Bodily Autonomy
You’ll want a nondescript Ford Econoline van (with same-state license plates) that’s been upfitted on the inside into a sterile medical environment. Pick up your clients in crowded areas (like the middle of a mall parking lot), then relocate to an industrial area—near machine shops or warehouses—and park in the back, provided there are no other vehicles present. Don’t park in the same place too often.
Fugitive From Justice
You’re not Dr. Richard Kimble, having just escaped a crashed prison transport bus; you’re just an average dipstick who skipped bail and had enough time to plan your disappearance. You’ll want something you can live in, so google “#VanLife” and study how you can modify a second-hand cargo van into a mobile domicile. The more features that allow you to live on the fringes, the better; you don’t want to risk getting tracked down by the Planet Fitness membership you keep for the showers.
Vagrancy
Whatever abandoned, inoperable wreck you can find down by the canal. You can’t afford to be picky.
Panhandling
If you own a car and panhandle, you’re deeply confused.
Also acceptable: 1993 Volvo 940 Sedan.
Loitering
In this case, you’re probably not leaning up against the wall of a 7-11, but you could be idling against the curb somewhere busy, like in front of an urban hotel or outside the arrivals gate at the airport. If this is your goal, then go big or go home: get something large and loud, like a Cadillac Escalade, a GMC Yukon XL, or a Land Rover Range Rover.
Littering
This one really depends on your personal vibe, but your options are essentially “anything but a Subaru.” You could go with something pompous like the Escalade or Range Rover, and witnesses will say, “Yeah, that tracks,” or you could go with something decrepit like an old Ford Escort or Chevy Cavalier, and witnesses will still say, “Yeah, that tracks.” Get a pickup—any truck—and you’re guaranteed to succeed.
Vandalism
Something that screams “my first vehicle,” like a 2002 Honda Accord.
Disturbing the Peace
This category often boils down to loud or excessive noise, so you’ll want something brash and oppressively masculine. Either go “homebrew Frankenstein” with a souped-up Subaru WRX (preferably blue) or go full-on “divorced dad” with a Chevy Camaro (preferably yellow). Rev the engine and play your shitty music as loudly as possible.
Indecent Exposure (Cool)
Any car over thirty years old that’s in pristine “auto show” condition.
Indecent Exposure (Gross)
Any car over thirty years old that suffers from rust, weathering, and untreated collision damage.
Illicit Drugs (Trafficking)
You’ll want something that can really pack in the product and carry a heavy load, all while keeping it concealed from passers-by—something that blends in with urban and suburban environments. The appropriately named Chevy Suburban is your best bet, as even older models can carry over 1,500 lbs within a cargo area of over 120 cu.ft.
Illicit Drugs (Sales)
You’ll want a Honda Civic modded to ride low, with negatively cambered wheels and race tires, underlighting, a rear spoiler, and a turbocharged engine, among other features. The key addition is the window decals on the front and rear screens, with random words across the top and bottom.
Illicit Drugs (Usage)
Same.
DUI (Teens w/ Rich Parents)
Just use your parent’s car. It doesn’t matter because you’ll probably get away with it.
DUI (Teens w/ Poor Parents)
Just use your parent’s car. Enjoy it while it lasts; your mom or dad is gonna be pretty pissed when their sole means of getting to work gets impounded, in addition to how they’ll have to take on a new debt just to bail you out of county lockup.
DUI (Uncle, Cool)
Any pony car or luxury full-size SUV.
DUI (Uncle, Shitty)
Any midsize sedan or imported SUV.
DUI (Karen)
This is another one that runs the spectrum. Go with a Lincoln Navigator or Mercedes-Benz GLS, or go with a Honda HR-V or Subaru Crosstrek, or go with a Ford Taurus or Volkswagen Jetta. The world is your oyster; you’re the protagonist; whatever you want to drive is the right answer.
Hit-and-Run
See above.
Cyberbullying
Same.
Domestic Violence
Ford Explorer Platinum, Chevy Camaro 2SS, Chevy Silverado 1500 High Country, Ram 2500 Big Horn, or any Land Rover Range Rover, Porsche Cayenne, or Rivian R1S.
Animal Cruelty
In cases of active cruelty, your best bet is a pickup truck. In cases of passive cruelty (like animal hoarding), you’ll want a Subaru SUV.
Bestiality
First-generation Buick Enclave.
Sexual Assault
Lexus RX or Pontiac Aztek, depending on your income.
Sex Trafficking
You’ll want something with a lot of seating, like a Chevy Suburban or Ford Expedition, but you might also want to stoop to something utilitarian like a Mercedes-Benz Sprinter van, supposing you’re not interested in providing seating.
If your chattel is well-tamed, you could get away with a smaller ride, like a Jeep Renegade, or a more luxurious one, like a Jeep Wagoneer.
Why so many Jeeps? It’s a Jeep thing—you wouldn’t understand. Not yet, at least.
Prostitution (Provider)
Something clean and capable that gets strong fuel economy figures, like a hybrid Toyota RAV4.
Prostitution (Recipient)
1995 Subaru Impreza sedan, 2006 Hyundai Tucson, or 2018 GMC Acadia Denali.
Gambling (Host)
Something nondescript but flashy nonetheless; something that will look wealthy under marquee lighting but disappear on a dark highway. Try a black Buick Enclave or Lincoln Navigator. If you’re just starting out on hosting an underground gambling ring, try a Toyota Highlander.
Gambling (Player)
Either a 1990 Ford Tempo or a 2024 Cadillac Lyriq BEV, depending on how well you’re doing.
Assault (Civilian)
This person will want a crossover SUV that’s sadder than they realize, as it foreshadows their inevitable descent into a primal eruption. This SUV must have a banal, uninspired look and a mediocre performance that the prospective buyer is too drowned by ennui to realize is a farcical parody of better vehicles, just as their life is a parody of better people’s lives.
See a mid-aughts model like the Buick Rainier or Saturn Outlook.
Assault (Police Officer)
Something along the lines of a seventh-generation post-facelift Dodge Charger Pursuit or a first-generation post-facelift Ford [Explorer] Police Interceptor Utility; either way, you’ll want a bull bar and roof-mounted flashing lights, or else the people you pull over might not immediately realize you’re a cop.
Child Predation
You’ll unquestionably want an unmarked white panel van, like a 2015 Ram ProMaster City Tradesman Cargo Van or a 2021 Ford Transit Connect.
Kidnapping
Same.
Unlawful Detainment
Same.
Homicide (Serial)
Same—or a Ford Pinto.
Homicide (Once)
Every nameplate and model year has been privy to this at least once, so follow your heart and create your own adventure; any vehicle will do.
White Collar Crimes (Insider Trading, Embezzlement, Tax Evasion, etc.)
Luxury models only—otherwise, people are going to think you did a really shitty job at white-collar crime, and then it’ll just be embarrassing for you.
Counterfeiting
Counterfeiting is about blending your product in with the masses, to the point where your product is indistinguishable from the herd—and what better way to bring that ethos to a car than with a Chevy Malibu?
Fraud
Go big or go home: Cadillac Escalade.
Bribery
You probably don’t want to go too big on this one. You want a nondescript car that can disappear on the street, but you also want something with extravagant trim levels so that you can live in the luxury your line of work probably has you thinking you deserve; more importantly, you want to give off the aura to your intended recipient that you have wealth and power and thus can be trusted or should be acquiesced to. Go with a high-trim Buick, GMC, or Lexus.
Extortion
What is extortion, if not inverse bribery? Same three options.
Smuggling
This one’s similar to sex trafficking, except the product is something you can’t too easily pass over the border since the fuzz is on the prowl for it, be it marijuana, heroin, or knock-off jeans. Look for a mid- or full-size SUV with an elite off-road trim, like a 4Runner TRD Pro, Chevy Traverse Z71, or GMC Yukon AT4.
Conspiracy (Racketeering)
Mafia crimes deserve mafia rides. See models from Volvo, BMW, Cadillac, or Mercedes-Benz.
Conspiracy (Murder)
If you’re planning a murder-for-hire, you’re probably someone with an extroverted and blunt personality. In that case, you’re probably currently driving something like a Mini Cooper, a Mazda crossover, or a Ram pickup. Stick with that.
Conspiracy (Mass-Murder)
If you’re gonna do genocide, you need to do what Hitler did and get in bed with Volkswagen. Also, IG Farben.
Conspiracy (Theory)
This is essentially a hybrid of loitering and disturbing the peace, so you’ll want the halfway point between a Range Rover and a Camaro: a 2019 Subaru Ascent. (For those who disagree, I have charts and articles I can show you that prove the Ascent is the model preferred by members of the Illuminati and the Bilderberg Group).
Conspiracy (Sedition)
Either a black Cadillac DTS or a black Lincoln Town Car.
Terrorism
Any lifted pre-owned pickup truck—and haphazardly tied to the back is a large blue flag bearing a five-letter surname.
Treason
A blue 1997 Lamborghini Diablo VT roadster.
