CHINO, Calif. — As you might have heard, Chevy will be discontinuing their classic muscle car in its gasoline-powered form, and the 2024 Chevy Camaro will be the final iteration. This is a major blow to men everywhere who have relied on this vehicle to demonstrate to their neighbors that they are alpha male badasses and ought not to be messed with.
There are few universal truths, and one refers to the respect of men. When a man removes the muffler from his Camaro so that it far exceeds allowable decibel levels for a neighborhood, and then he peels out in a school zone going 75 mph, that man is very, very manly and must be respected. Now that the Camaro is being discontinued, manly men everywhere are unsure what to do.
Chadeth (yes, that is his real name; it’s a portmanteau of Chad and Seth), a 22-year-old local resident, expressed his concerns about the Camaro being discontinued in a recent social media vlog.
The Postmates driver/Soundcloud rapper/Crypto-preneur said in the video, “The Camaro is how I get chicks. I pull up to, like, high schools—I can totally get girls my own age, by the way, they’re just boring and gross—and I, like, rev my engine super loud until everyone can’t help but notice me. Girls turn around and look at me, like, they think it’s so cool. I haven’t technically gotten any chicks yet, but it was clear I was getting close, so losing the Camaro will really cramp my style.”
Christophan (portmanteau of Christopher and Nathan) told one local reporter this: “Every night, or I guess, early morning around like 2:30 AM, I like to find a quiet cul-de-sac in a residential area, go to the top of the street, rev my engine for like ten minutes and then peel out down the street. I don’t stop for stop signs. I just feel like that’s my way of letting people know what’s up.”
“And, what is up?” inquired the reporter.
“You know, what’s, like, up,” explained Christophan, a 28-year-old Lyft driver who lives in his mom’s in-home office/pilates room.
Reports state that Camaro drivers have created a support group at a local Sbarro where they can express their grief over their lost masculinity and exchange ideas on other ways to reclaim it.
One reporter went undercover in the group and jotted down a few of the comments she heard. All commenters are anonymous for privacy reasons.
“I was thinking, like, maybe I could get a truck with really, really big tires on it? And I think if I aggressively tailgated people who were already going pretty fast, that could maybe help me feel taller.”
“I’ve started giving women unsolicited financial advice. Sometimes, I just walk up to a woman I don’t know and explain cryptocurrency to her. That helps a little.”
“Last week, a guy bumped into me on accident, and I, like, body-checked him and asked if he had a fucking problem with me. He looked at me and walked off, and that felt pretty good.”
“I’m not really sure what I’m going to do with all the money I’ll save on speeding tickets. I set aside, like, $700 a month for those because, obviously, if you drive a Camaro, you’re not allowed to abide by the speed limit. Everyone knows that. But now…if I just have to get a normal car, I guess I’ll have to go the speed limit… Maybe I can use that $700 to put an abnormally long spoiler on a Honda Civic. Or, like, maybe I can give my baby mama some money to help raise our daughter. Or maybe a dope sound system with a tweeter.”