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Ford Announces Self-Destruct Feature for the 2024 Ford Escape
For those of you who consider yourselves tech-savvy, recent innovations made throughout the automotive industry must be a source of considerable excitement. Many are understandably blown away by the recent developments in semi-autonomous driving from Ford, which the brand is referring to as BlueCruise. Another new feature is set to debut as well, and for those of you who...
An Upside-Down Phallus or an Invocation to Satan? We Take a Closer Look at the Toyota Logo
If you were around during the turbulent decade of the 1980s, you're likely familiar with the period known as the "Satanic Panic," the age in which tabloids and talk shows trumped-up wild and unabashed conspiracy theories about Satanic cults lurking in the shadows of Middle America, kidnapping children and either sacrificing them or forcing them to partake in a...
Highway Accident Provides Evidence I Am a Living God
If you're at all familiar with the tremendous breadth of my award-winning, once-in-a-lifetime journalistic work—which has been lauded as the most important writing of the modern era—then you already know that my genius is only surpassed by my humility. And yet, despite how humble and amazing I truly am, even I was recently astounded and perplexed to discover that...
Ford Announces It Will No Longer Sell Vehicles to Those With Good Credit
DETROIT, MI — Ford has existed as a symbol of Americana, innovation, and versatility for well over a century. They've always provided options for a diverse array of customers and have always done their best to adhere to the ever-growing changes in consumer needs. But a new policy passed by the beloved blue oval brand has the potential to...
Sales of Commercial Trucks Spike in NY and Nearby Area
As an automotive journalist, I don’t usually pay attention to things like sales figures for vehicles or other types of news. That’s not what I write about. The modern news industry is all about outrage and getting reactions for those meaty, meaty clicks. I’ve got engagement time and click-through targets to hit, with no time for facts or data....
Ford Announces the 2024 F-150 “Karen Edition”
As one of the most popular vehicles on the road today, the Ford F-150 is a symbol of Americana and, for many, a sacred institution. One of the reasons for its immense popularity is that Ford has continuously found a way to expand the lineup of various trims and editions, meaning there’s an F-150 for just about everyone. But...
Ohio Dealership Develops Exciting Used Truck Promo
There are an estimated 17,600 new-car dealerships in the US, with more than 150,000 used-car dealers across the country; that's a lot of competition that a dealership has to contend with. In previous decades, a giant inflatable gorilla might've been enough to draw customers to your lot, as opposed to the competition, but these days it takes more than...
New Gordon Ramsey-voiced GPS Tells You How Terrible of a Driver You Are
TULSA, OK — The last time we visited Kingston Kia, it was for a feature entitled "2023 Ford Explorer vs 2023 Kia Telluride; Which One Has Best Potential to Catch Fire?" Well, we've made an unexpected return to this dealership to report on an exciting new development in driving assistance technology. Kia—a brand that is always looking toward the...
Take Advantage of Secret Car Tax Write-Offs
Want to know how much you love your nation? Consider this: do you love paying your federal income tax, looking forward to it each year with delight and patriotic glee? If not, then you hate your country and you should feel bad about yourself. In a truly great democracy, each of us would look forward to this special time...
I Rode in the Kia Carnival Z06 Prototype
Most days, being an automotive journalist means little more than having ample reason to day-drink and stare out the window as I ponder how my life got away from me. But every once in a while, a special opportunity comes along that makes all the long hours of verbal abuse from dealerships and boot-licking at manufacturer press events worth...
Chevy Trailblazer That Went Missing While Exploring the Amazon Presumed to be Eaten by Cannibals
It was several months ago when an expedition consisting of Ruggero Yates, Edward Monroe, and Faye Jonas left to explore the Amazon region. While the area has been visited and extensively studied by many in the last several years, this expedition was going to be a unique one, as it was going to be undertaken in a 2024 Chevy...
Three Things the Camry Can Do That the Accord Can’t
Automotive history is filled with epic clashes between vehicular giants and grand rivalries that have shaped the landscape of the industry through endless strife and conflict. We all know of legendary battles like the Ford F-150 vs. Chevy Silverado 1500, the Chevy Camaro vs. the Ford Mustang, and the Jeep Wrangler vs. the internal organs of its passengers on...
The Nissan Rogue is Designed to Hot Box
We all remember the weird commercial for the Kia Soul with the hamsters that were definitely smoking weed right? The trauma that commercial caused permeated for years, across perfectly innocent potheads. Why the hamsters? Why a Kia? Were they even smoking weed, or is this a fever dream/hallucination? Well, all of that is besides the point. The point is...
This Truck Service Is Affordable, Efficient, and Definitely Not a Drug Front
Taking care of a truck can get expensive. If you're like me, you probably work your truck hard, and it is consequently in frequent need of a tune-up. I was getting tired of what a money pit my truck had become, so this most recent time I was looking into affordable Honda truck service, I was ready to try...
Dumb American Bewildered by the Intricacies of the Metric System
Burlington, ON––When the financial center at Burlington Motors receives visitors, it’s usually related to matters of car financing. After all, many people rely upon these essential services to get behind the wheel of a vehicle. But the other day, there was a visitor of a different sort, one who caused quite a stir when he burst through the office...
Tesla Disappoints
As a journalist, one of the most important things to me is clarity with my audience: providing you with a clear vision of what I do and what I stand for. It's with such clarity in mind that I must make a confession... What you see above was not the original title for this piece. No, the original title...
Auto Mechanic’s Mind Blown After Woman Demonstrates Reasonable Knowledge of Vehicles
DETROIT, MI — Expectations held about the knowledge of America's auto mechanics have always been relatively high, especially in recent years. After all, with so many advances in safety and driving assistance technology—which seems to increase each passing year—it's only natural that we expect the technicians working on our vehicles to demonstrate first-rate knowledge and expertise. And many of...
How to Behave at a Honda Dealership
There was a time when people carried themselves with a certain amount of dignity and class while doing business with a company. You see this when you look at photos of people flying on planes 60 years ago. Everyone is dressed nicely, men in suits and ladies in nice outfits, all behaving with the utmost decorum. These days, the...
Dominatrix Upset By Truck Advertisement Promising Ability to “Carry All Your Adult Toys”
Denver, CO - A recent advertisement from the Denver Outfitters tire center and truck dealership has caught the ire of a local dominatrix.
For those who live the rugged life of off-roading, any vehicle with a substantial towing and payload capacity has probably come through Denver Outfitters at one point or another. This small company takes great pride in the...
Ford Releases New Jock-Nerd Hybrid
Mixing the power of gasoline with the power of electricity has become old hat—and, besides, it's never really had much appeal for the kind of people who just want the biggest, baddest, most powerful truck they can possibly afford to buy. The hybrid F-150 may be all fine and well for the kale farmers in California, but a different...
