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VW’s All-Electric Future Is Looking Different Now That It Has AID.S
FAIRFAX COUNTY, VA — It’s no surprise that Volkswagen has announced yet another electric vehicle, considering they’ve been manufacturing battery-powered vehicles since 2020 (with the ID.4 crossover, the ID.7 sedan, and the ID. Buzz minivan), but what is a surprise is that this new model is a sports car—a new venture for the German automaker.
Volkswagen has famously shied away...
With the Camaro Being Discontinued, America’s Young Men Feel Their Masculinity Threatened
CHINO, Calif. — As you might have heard, Chevy will be discontinuing their classic muscle car in its gasoline-powered form, and the 2024 Chevy Camaro will be the final iteration. This is a major blow to men everywhere who have relied on this vehicle to demonstrate to their neighbors that they are alpha male badasses and ought not to...
BREAKING: Trico to Release New Windshield Wiper That Elongates “That Smear”
LIVE AUTO NEWS — We are buttered up to our gills with excitement. We just intercepted a nascent press release (someone emailed it to us by accident) from Trico announcing their intent to bring to market a new windshield wiper blade that is, honestly, something we never thought we wanted. However, given the fact that Trico is the inventor...
Ford to Partner With Malibu Rum for the F-151
MONTE RIO, Calif. — The Ford Motor Company has released a statement announcing a new truck model based largely on their best-selling light-duty F-150. It will supposedly see few changes, but Ford executives insist it is not just a trim for their indomitable hauler.
The statement was considerably difficult to read and riddled with spelling errors, leading us to question...
Signs Your Used Car Is a Closet Cold Case Killer
Does anyone else watch a few episodes of Cold Case Files to unwind at the end of the day or is that just me? Just me? Okay. There’s something oddly satisfying about law enforcement locating someone’s murderer 40 years later when they were right under their nose the entire time. Typically, the killer doesn’t go far, instead, they have...
Sight-Handicapped Drivers Vandalize Car Dealership, Outraged Over the Term “Blind Spot”
VAN NUYS, Calif. — A local Chevrolet dealership was besieged by a group of sight-handicapped individuals on Thursday, expressing outrage over the terminology of a particular driver assistance feature found in newer models like the 2024 Chevy Malibu, whose Chevy Safety Assist sensor suite calls it "Lane Change Alert with Side Blind Zone Alert."
Six blind people—or "persons with a...
Chevy Announces Return of Bolt EV and Future Plans
Recently, drivers were saddened to learn that the Chevy Bolt EV was being discontinued. As the most affordable and impressively flammable electric vehicle on the market, its removal would be felt by many drivers. Even more recently, however, drivers were saddened to learn that the Chevy Bolt EV was returning with an all-new generation and a full redesign. Why...
People Keep Mistaking Nissan’s Xtronic Transmission for a Popular DJ
Nissan recently announced that their 2024 Nissan Sentra for sale will have a new continuously variable automatic transmission by the name of Xtronic. However, this has caused some confusion in the house music scene, of all places, because of a DJ who goes by the same name.
Both house music venues and Nissan dealerships have been facing an increase in...
Flat Earther Protests Chevy Dealership, Warns Danger of Driving off the Edge of the World
As the new 2024 model year gears up, there’s a lot of excitement regarding the offerings from Chevy. With the Silverado EV set to make a sizable impact on the vehicle-buying public, you can feel the enthusiasm in the air. While the aspect of finding a Chevy Silverado for sale is certainly on the minds of many, there’s one...
Top Three Signs a Car Dealership Is Actually a Bordello
Unless you’re intimately familiar with the seedy underbelly of the auto industry, this may come as a surprise to you. Some car dealerships are not all they appear to be. I know, you probably found this out because you need a vehicle, but your credit score is worse than your ability to choose a reliable source for car news....
Hunter Biden Allegedly Selling Used Cars to Make Child Support Payments
WASHINGTON — It appears things have really gone downhill for Hunter Biden, who sources say is now hawking cheap used cars for sale at an abandoned lot somewhere in a suburb outside of Washington DC.
This information is a result of yet another mysterious customer—said to look like Hunter Biden—dropping off a laptop at a computer store and the shop's...
The Four Best Features of the Worst Ford F-150
Do you like shiny, powerful, impressive trucks that ride real tall, have rumbly-bumbly engines, and can tow a bunch of weight behind them? If you said no to any of those things, then go away. But for the rest of you who are still here (seriously, piss off if you said no), we’re going to talk about one of...
Florida Man Still Drives Ford Excursion, Claims It Has Nothing to Do With Size of His Penis
DAYTONA BEACH, FL — The SUV has achieved widespread popularity as the ideal choice of transportation in modern America, and a major part of this can be attributed to the scaling down of their size—an ongoing process since the early 2000s, leading to what we call the "crossover" SUV.
Many of today's new drivers—who were born at the start of...
Three Secrets of the All-New 2024 Chevy Traverse
Friends, allow me to start by saying something controversial: This is not the only automotive news website on the Internet. I know, I know, I was shocked to discover this too. And yet, as I looked at a number of other websites and the supposed journalism that they provide, I was dismayed and confused by what I discovered. Time...
Automotive Writer Has Emotional Breakdown After Being Bombarded With Vehicle Ads
BOSTON, Mass. — For much of the vehicle-buying public, the information they're presented about new models comes from freelance writers contracted by the automotive industry. They work hard to present this information in a way that excites and interests the average consumer.
But the pressure has been building for Jermaine Richter, who writes close to forty articles a month, and...
Ford Abandons New Environmental Initiatives, Claims Climate Change Is “Hoax”
DETROIT, MI — For over 100 years, Ford has symbolized American ingenuity and innovation. From its role in ushering in the golden age of the muscle car to being a major player in the rise in popularity of the SUV, your local Ford dealer has been able to withstand the many cultural changes that have occurred throughout the years,...
Chevy Introduces “Warped Tour” Edition of the Chevy Equinox to Target Millennial Drivers.
In the highly competitive world of the automotive marketplace, there’s no shortage of tactics and strategies to grasp onto the demographic of the millennial driver. With the average Chevy dealer not holding much interest to the younger generation, especially with Tesla models being the newest symbol of status and opulence, the bow-tie brand has announced a new version of...
Let’s Get Political and Kick(s) a Renegade
Alright, you cud-chewing sons o’ bitches, I’m here to give you that spicy political content you’ve been looking for. Yeah, I know, this is a car website about, by, and for cars (yes, all content here is written and edited by cars). What does politics have to do with it? Well, I could say that life is political, that...
Kevin Spacey Accused of Taking Ford F-150 for Test Drive Without Consent
Hollywood, CA— To say that actor Kevin Spacey has had a fall from grace in light of the accusations made against him a few years ago would certainly be accurate. Spacey, who was once known for his performances in The Usual Suspects, American Beauty, and the Netflix Series House of Cards, was just one of many prominent figures who...
Gen X-er Still Insists Geo Metro Was Best Vehicle Ever Designed
RAVENNA, Ohio — A new model year always brings a lot of excitement to those in the market for a new vehicle. Across the industry, consumers are waiting with bated breath for new releases from our most legendary automakers.
At Cornell Chevrolet, the sales staff has eagerly awaited the 2024 Chevy Silverado 1500 and its fully electrified counterpart, the Chevy...
