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Bentley Trades in Reputation for NFT Profits

A golden Bentley symbol is shown on a dark background.
Bentley Motors Limited is one of the most prestigious and well-respected names in the auto industry, with more than a century of legendary reputation behind it. First founded in 1919 by W. O. Bentley, they have developed historic vehicles and forged a legacy of cutting-edge engineering and design. Few other names in the auto industry conjure up such a...

Pat the Patriot Sez: Biden and His Cronies Are Trying to Eliminate the Gas Station From American Life

Joe Biden is shown in front of a closed gas station near a Murfreesboro used car dealer.
It’s not easy being an American anymore. Ever since Biden stole the election, him and his cronies want to eradicate the way of life that we all love and hold dear. Remember when life was simple? Boys were boys, and men were men, and picking what you had to drive to work was easy—car or truck. Those were the...

Drug Cartels Expand Into Gasoline Amid Record-High Prices

A shady deal for gasoline is shown near a Charlotte used car dealer.
First, it was avocados, then limes, and now, gasoline. South American drug cartels have turned incredible profits trafficking drugs like marijuana, cocaine, and heroin over the U.S.-Mexico border, a trade that expanded to pricey agricultural products like limes and avocados in recent years. This diversification has served the groups well in the past, but as the price of gas...

David Duke Officially Endorses the Chevy Colorado

David Duke is shown behind a blue 2022 Chevy Colorado and a black 2022 Nissan Frontier after someone searched '2022 Nissan Frontier vs 2022 Chevy Colorado'.
A recent contest between the Chevy Colorado and Nissan Frontier has been heating up in the polls. Not surprisingly, the gap between the two has spoken to the ever-growing divide between the left and right factions that exist in America. While two vehicles having their various attributes and advantages compared to one another is certainly nothing new, the story...

Choosing the Right Truck Based on Real Numbers

A person is shown trying to figure out the right metric to use to judge a 2022 Ford F-250 vs 2022 Ram 2500 HD comparison.
One thing I’ll never forget is the advice that my grandfather gave me on his deathbed; he said, “Passion belongs in the bedroom, not at the car dealership.” In fairness, he was intensely intoxicated at the time, and the prostitute he hadn’t paid looked really angry at him, so that might’ve had something to do with his final words...

Things You Shouldn’t Say to a Car Salesman

A white SUV is shown from the rear covered in quotes after leaving one of the Albany car dealers.
There's a group of old men who eat breakfast every morning at the local diner. Clad in plaid shirts, blue jeans, and Dr. Scholl’s, their conversations are scattered with relationship drama that would make Hugh Hefner blush. Of course, there's also plenty of sass about the world's problems and their "back in my day" solutions. As expected, recent events...

Supreme Court Bans All Cars Made After 1959

The supreme court is shown during a 2022 Nissan Altima vs 2022 Toyota Camry comparison.
Any driver weighing the relative merits of the 2022 Nissan Altima vs 2022 Toyota Camry can save themselves some trouble as neither will be available for the foreseeable future. It’s not a parts shortage or supply chain issue that has seen automakers cancel the two 2022 models this time around, but rather the nation’s highest court. Following a string...

Auto Industry Implores Americans to “Stop Shooting Each Other!”

A man in a suit is shown reaching out an open hand.
No matter what side of the aisle you fall on, what your belief system may be, and what you feel the correct solution is, we can all agree on one thing: there’s a crisis of catastrophic violence in America today. I refrain from calling it “gun violence” because that can be a loaded and triggering term for some people,...

Chapter VI: In Which a Letter Is Received and Answered

A grey 2022 Honda Pilot and a black 2022 Kia Telluride are shown parked next to a glass of wine during a 2022 Honda Pilot vs 2022 Kia Telluride comparison.
As an impartial witness to the machinations and madness of the auto industry, I try not to get directly involved in the lives of the dolorous drivers who so often write to me in the hope of getting answers. Your problems are yours alone, so stop asking me dumb questions! That being said, now and again, a plea comes...

Lemon Exclusive: BMW Developing New Test-Drive Experience!

A blue BMW flag is shown promoting a new test drive program at a BMW dealer.
If you’ve been considering buying a BMW, then you might want to hold off a bit longer before heading to your nearest BMW dealer. Leaked information, provided exclusively to me through some of my contacts at BMW, has revealed that they’re hard at work on a new, innovative test-drive experience that you’ll only find at a BMW dealership. This...

Brave Patriots Bravely Turn Against the Us

An American Flag shaped like Texas is shown crossed out after a used Chevy truck dealership secedes from the United States.
Webster’s dictionary defines a “patriot” as “n. 1 fancy pastry 2 a shop where such pastry is made and sold,” and I couldn’t agree more. In this day and age, it’s more important than ever to know what you stand for and to believe in what is right. Recently, one new and used Chevy truck dealership in Texas became...

From Carjacking to Car-Hacking!

The infotainment screen of a car is shown with a hacker on it.
The future is now, my friends, and it… sucks. Just when we thought we’d run out of new and exciting things to be worried about, we now have to consider the cybersecurity of our vehicles. It’s no longer enough to make sure our computers, phones, tablets, smart TVs, toasters, and refrigerators are safe online—now, our cars are becoming targets...

Local Mechanic Channels “Eat Pray Love” In Debut Memoir “Intake Compression Exhaust”

A book is shown sitting on a table next to tools while a mechanic works on a 2023 Chevy Blazer.
Inspired by the novel and film of the same name, one local mechanic has decided to lay down his socket wrench and pick up a pen to write what some are calling “the automotive answer to Eat Pray Love.” It all started when Dan Delaney found a copy of Elizabeth Gilbert’s popular 2007 romantic memoir while servicing a customer’s...

SUVs Compete for Role in New Star Wars Series

A spaceship is shown flying over a desert during a 2022 Chevy Trailblazer vs the 2022 Honda HR-V comparison.
Two of America’s most popular SUVs are vying for a place in an upcoming Star Wars spin-off that follows the post-film exploits of one of the series’ more obscure vehicles. While fans initially speculated that the series might focus on the Millenium Falcon, TIE Fighter, or, over the objections of every Disney lawyer, Boba Fett’s ship Slave I, the...

3 Reasons Why the VW Jetta Is Better Than the Elantra

A grey 2022 Volkswagen Jetta and a grey 2022 Hyundai Elantra are shown facing eachother on a purple background.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, readers of all ages gather around and bear witness to automotive journalism beyond all others. Wait… now my brain is stuck on the phrase, “bear witness,” and I’ve forgotten what I was saying. All I can think about is a full-size bear up on a witness stand in court, giving testimony and answering...

Facing Low Membership, Topless Beach Opens to Convertibles

A grey 2022 Ford Mustang is shown blurred out on a beach.
Established over 55 years ago on the shores of Lake Winnipompac, Mel & Noma’s Topless Beach has long been a destination for sun worshipers who believe that nature is best enjoyed without the burden of clothing. While the beach was a popular summer retreat for much of the ‘60s and ‘70s, membership has begun to decline in recent years...

Dealership Caught “Rebadging” the Honda CR-V as Chevy Equinox

A Honda badge is shown with a Chevy badge pasted over it during the battle of the 2022 Chevy Equinox vs the 2022 Honda CR-V.
If you’ve ever taken a Chevy Equinox for a test drive, then I’m sure you quickly realized your mistake, returned the vehicle promptly to the dealership, and spent some time rethinking your life afterward. In the great battle of the 2022 Chevy Equinox vs the 2022 Honda CR-V, the opening salvo required little more than for Honda to let...

Ford Dealership Enters NFT Market

An excel sheet shows NFT created by and enterprising Ford dealer.
If there’s one thing that can be said about the auto industry, it’s that the market lives and dies by innovation. The most popular options on the road are often those with the most advanced technology and features available. Technology has never been more important than it is right now, and every brand and dealership out there are trying...

Auto Industry Working to Improve Self-Driving Cars

A diagram that shows a self driving car detecting a cyclist is shown.
If you’ve shopped for a car recently, then you’ve certainly heard all about the various types of impressive technology that companies are working on and developing. While a lot of it is found inside the cabin, like massive screens that wrap across the dashboard, Head-Up Displays that project information onto the windshield, and sound systems with dozens of speakers,...

Lansford Hastings Edition of the Chevy Blazer to Arrive Soon

An orange 2022 Chevy Blazer is before arriving at a Chevrolet Cincinnati OH.
While special editions of popular automobiles are certainly nothing new, Chevy recently announced a new version of the Blazer that’s set to arrive at several Chevrolet Cincinnati, OH dealerships. While some fans of the Blazer, which has been in production since 1969, are interested and intrigued with the concept of a new version, others are rather bewildered and even...