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Sight-Handicapped Drivers Vandalize Car Dealership, Outraged Over the Term “Blind Spot”
VAN NUYS, Calif. — A local Chevrolet dealership was besieged by a group of sight-handicapped individuals on Thursday, expressing outrage over the terminology of a particular driver assistance feature found in newer models like the 2024 Chevy Malibu, whose Chevy Safety Assist sensor suite calls it "Lane Change Alert with Side Blind Zone Alert."
Six blind people—or "persons with a...
Flat Earther Protests Chevy Dealership, Warns Danger of Driving off the Edge of the World
As the new 2024 model year gears up, there’s a lot of excitement regarding the offerings from Chevy. With the Silverado EV set to make a sizable impact on the vehicle-buying public, you can feel the enthusiasm in the air. While the aspect of finding a Chevy Silverado for sale is certainly on the minds of many, there’s one...
Hunter Biden Allegedly Selling Used Cars to Make Child Support Payments
WASHINGTON — It appears things have really gone downhill for Hunter Biden, who sources say is now hawking cheap used cars for sale at an abandoned lot somewhere in a suburb outside of Washington DC.
This information is a result of yet another mysterious customer—said to look like Hunter Biden—dropping off a laptop at a computer store and the shop's...
The Four Best Features of the Worst Ford F-150
Do you like shiny, powerful, impressive trucks that ride real tall, have rumbly-bumbly engines, and can tow a bunch of weight behind them? If you said no to any of those things, then go away. But for the rest of you who are still here (seriously, piss off if you said no), we’re going to talk about one of...
Florida Man Still Drives Ford Excursion, Claims It Has Nothing to Do With Size of His Penis
DAYTONA BEACH, FL — The SUV has achieved widespread popularity as the ideal choice of transportation in modern America, and a major part of this can be attributed to the scaling down of their size—an ongoing process since the early 2000s, leading to what we call the "crossover" SUV.
Many of today's new drivers—who were born at the start of...
Three Secrets of the All-New 2024 Chevy Traverse
Friends, allow me to start by saying something controversial: This is not the only automotive news website on the Internet. I know, I know, I was shocked to discover this too. And yet, as I looked at a number of other websites and the supposed journalism that they provide, I was dismayed and confused by what I discovered. Time...
Automotive Writer Has Emotional Breakdown After Being Bombarded With Vehicle Ads
BOSTON, Mass. — For much of the vehicle-buying public, the information they're presented about new models comes from freelance writers contracted by the automotive industry. They work hard to present this information in a way that excites and interests the average consumer.
But the pressure has been building for Jermaine Richter, who writes close to forty articles a month, and...
Ford Abandons New Environmental Initiatives, Claims Climate Change Is “Hoax”
DETROIT, MI — For over 100 years, Ford has symbolized American ingenuity and innovation. From its role in ushering in the golden age of the muscle car to being a major player in the rise in popularity of the SUV, your local Ford dealer has been able to withstand the many cultural changes that have occurred throughout the years,...
Chevy Introduces “Warped Tour” Edition of the Chevy Equinox to Target Millennial Drivers.
In the highly competitive world of the automotive marketplace, there’s no shortage of tactics and strategies to grasp onto the demographic of the millennial driver. With the average Chevy dealer not holding much interest to the younger generation, especially with Tesla models being the newest symbol of status and opulence, the bow-tie brand has announced a new version of...
Let’s Get Political and Kick(s) a Renegade
Alright, you cud-chewing sons o’ bitches, I’m here to give you that spicy political content you’ve been looking for. Yeah, I know, this is a car website about, by, and for cars (yes, all content here is written and edited by cars). What does politics have to do with it? Well, I could say that life is political, that...
Kevin Spacey Accused of Taking Ford F-150 for Test Drive Without Consent
Hollywood, CA— To say that actor Kevin Spacey has had a fall from grace in light of the accusations made against him a few years ago would certainly be accurate. Spacey, who was once known for his performances in The Usual Suspects, American Beauty, and the Netflix Series House of Cards, was just one of many prominent figures who...
Gen X-er Still Insists Geo Metro Was Best Vehicle Ever Designed
RAVENNA, Ohio — A new model year always brings a lot of excitement to those in the market for a new vehicle. Across the industry, consumers are waiting with bated breath for new releases from our most legendary automakers.
At Cornell Chevrolet, the sales staff has eagerly awaited the 2024 Chevy Silverado 1500 and its fully electrified counterpart, the Chevy...
Ford Raises Prices to Cut Prices to Raise Prices to Cut
There are some people who will tell you that time is a linear series of events, happening only in a straight line, uninterrupted, from beginning to end. Others take a bolder, or perhaps more cowardly, approach and believe that time is cyclical, that whatever has happened will happen again at some point in the future, repeating over and over...
Survey Says: Subaru Drivers Are Truly the Worst
Auto insurance companies are blood-sucking monsters, hungry for our hard-earned cash while refusing to ever pay for damages. That being said, even a monster can be helpful every now and again. The Count helped us all learn how to wear a cape, while my man Cookie Monster taught me that it’s best to never share or swallow cookies. Even...
#LoveWins as Florida Man Weds Chevy Truck in Local Ceremony
Every June, we recognize the LGBTQ community during Pride Month. Whether it’s a show of solidarity or a pledge to protect the rights and freedom they deserve and are entitled to, we’re all expected to stand in union with the people of this community. And while the #LoveWins hashtag is certainly present at this time of year all over...
Trump’s Mechanic Indicted for Inciting People to Get Unnecessary Vehicle Repairs
Washington D.C.—The recent indictment of former president Donald Trump has been some of the most divisive news to arrive in quite some time. Many of his supporters have wasted no time in expressing their outrage and making claims of another conspiracy, while his detractors are welcoming the news with enthusiasm after four long years of the dangerous flirtation with...
Trump Shows “Loyalty” to American Products in a Self-Made Toyota Commercial
If you’re currently deciding between the 2023 Toyota Highlander vs 2023 Honda Pilot, you should probably know that Donald Trump has plans to increasingly limit any vehicles or products not made in the U.S. in order to make America dumb again… uh, we mean, broke again… great again! That’s it.
That’s right, the former President has vowed that if he...
The Best Used Car, SUV, and Truck on the Market
There was a time, long ago when I was a younger man and in another country, when I considered myself something of a savvy merchant, a real wheeler and dealer within the auto industry. I made a habit of (and a fortune from) finding pre-owned vehicles that were in far better condition than they appeared, true diamonds in the...
3 Things You Didn’t Know About the Honda Pilot
I’m sure you know that the 2023 Honda Pilot is a three-row SUV with impressive performance and towing capabilities. But did you know that it has luxurious interior options and is a surprisingly delicate kisser? These are the kinds of specific and intimate details that you need to learn about a vehicle before you go looking for a Honda...
1994 Ford Explorer Now Identifies as 2024 Chevy Equinox
COLUMBIA, TN — In today's world of increased awareness regarding gender identity and dysphoria, we've learned to become more tolerant and understanding of queer people and their right to exist. Great strides have been made as we've come to accept that others are entitled to live their life without fear of reprisal—just the same as the rest of us.
Normalization...
