The Four Best Features of the Worst Ford F-150

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Ten people are shown yawning near a white 2023 Ford F-150 XL.

Do you like shiny, powerful, impressive trucks that ride real tall, have rumbly-bumbly engines, and can tow a bunch of weight behind them? If you said no to any of those things, then go away. But for the rest of you who are still here (seriously, piss off if you said no), we’re going to talk about one of my favorite trucks, the Ford F-150.

Now, you’ll find a lot of articles out there about its various and sundry features, typically with a focus on the higher trims like the Platinum or the off-road focused Raptor. But we’re not doing that today. It’s easy to find good things about a truck that costs more than your parents paid for their house. Instead, we’re going to focus on the 2023 Ford F-150 XL, which is this truck’s most basic trim, with only the most standard features. Even if your truck budget isn’t $40,000 or more, you can still find some things to be excited about. Let’s go!

Feature #1: Looks Aren’t Everything

From the outside, there’s no denying that the F-150 XL looks like a truck. It has all of the classic hallmarks and legendary design we’ve come to expect from the bestselling truck in America since Reagan was hard at work destroying the middle class. It has four wheels, wrapped in some kind of rubber or something, along with doors—sometimes two, sometimes four, it’s up to you—and that part at the back that flops down. The rear flap? Yeah, it’s got a great rear flap, let me tell you, and side mirrors with real mirrors in them, not just rocks painted to look like mirrors.

Feature #2: The Inside is Alright

Once you get inside the F-150 XL, you’ll see why this model costs almost $10,000 less than the next trim up. It has elegant interior details like real vinyl flooring, a steering wheel carefully crafted from 100% authentic black urethane, and seats that have been stitched together from disparate pieces of genuine cloth. The seats are cushioned for an added touch of sophistication, and they can be adjusted using nothing more than bare strength and sheer force of will. There’s a real AM/FM stereo included, with speakers, along with lights inside to illuminate, and real sun-blocking visors physically attached to the interior.

Feature #3: An Engine that Produces Power

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “We’re looking at a truck here, right? So why hasn’t this dirtbag talked about the engine yet?” First of all, shut up, you massive waste of human flesh. Second of all, I’m getting to that, so please see my first point again.

The Ford F-150 XL comes with a standard 3.3L V6 engine with six whole cylinders, not half cylinders, arranged in a shape vaguely reminiscent of some kind of upside-down pyramid. This makes sense, of course, since ownership of an F-150 XL marks you as a member of the Illuminati, another soldier in the deathless army of the all-seeing eye! This gives you great power. Somebody once said something about power and responsibility, but who cares. It’s all about the power!

Feature #4: Other Great Special Things, Too

I know this might be hard to believe, but I’ve barely scraped the surface when it comes to the amazing array of features and really just super-good stuff in the F-150 XL. As the starting trim for America’s most popular truck, you’d expect it to have incredible towing capacity, an engine that puts all other pickups to shame, and gorgeous features inside that no other brand out there could compete with. It doesn’t, but you can still expect those things if you want to. It does have a 4.0-inch productivity screen, and an optional tray-style floor liner. So if that’s something you’d like to be able to get as an extra option, but not standard, then goddamn this is the truck for you!

Editor’s Note: We would like to remind our readers that ownership of an F-150 XL does not make one a member of the Illuminati. Members of that venerable and hallowed organization would own a Ram pickup, for one thing, and would certainly have one of a higher trim level. We heard a story about one Illuminati member choosing a Chevy Silverado rather than a GMC Sierra, and they were promptly driven out of their community. Also, don’t choose the wrong truck, and then roll up to your next Freemason meeting. Those are some catty bitches when it comes to trucks.

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