WASHINGTON — It appears things have really gone downhill for Hunter Biden, who sources say is now hawking cheap used cars for sale at an abandoned lot somewhere in a suburb outside of Washington DC.
This information is a result of yet another mysterious customer—said to look like Hunter Biden—dropping off a laptop at a computer store and the shop’s owner subsequently finding suspicious materials on the desktop. Unlike with the first scandal, this computer shop owner is not legally blind, but he did tell a source, “I had just accidentally squirted hot sauce for my chalupa into my eyes right before the man came in, so my vision wasn’t what you’d call ‘perfect’ at the time.”
On the laptop, the shop owner discovered designs for fliers advertising cheap used cars being sold at a vague, cryptic location. The fliers asked interested parties to text “trash transport now” to the phone number provided if they wanted to receive the location, date, and time of the secret car sale event.
Naturally, the shop owner texted the number just to see what happened and was promptly given the information he’d requested. The event was to be held several days later. The shop owner wasn’t able to attend the car sale himself because he needed to see a doctor for his hot sauce eye situation, which, at that point, had progressed. However, he gave a source of ours the information, who sent a discreet drone over the locale on the day and time of the event.
Footage from the scene shows a man who could be in his fifties wearing a red baseball hat with the text “Make America Easy on Drug Crimes Again” across the front. He walked among six old vehicles, including an Impala, a Malibu, and what appears to actually be a golf cart with lifted and oversized tires. He greeted several customers throughout the afternoon until a black SUV pulled up and a blonde, tan woman—estimated to be in her early thirties—jumped out with a toddler on her hip, screaming at and chasing the car salesman, who tried to hide beneath the lifted golf cart.
We cannot confirm that the woman who appeared was Biden’s baby mama, Lunden Roberts, along with his unacknowledged daughter. However, our sources on the ground reported hearing the salesman say, “You’ll get your child support as soon as I sell two more of these lemons! Just let me sell the lemons!”
We eventually sent one of our ground sources in as a fake customer to get a closer look at the salesman. As he approached the gentleman, the salesman said, “I’m taking a tenner,” before he went behind an old Honda Civic, popped the trunk, and played contemporary jazz on his phone through Spotify while what sounded like loud and aggressive sniffing occurred. At one point, a commercial came on, creating more silence than the salesperson had expected, and he yelled an obscenity before slamming the car’s trunk shut.
“Alright, what’ll it be for ya?” the salesman asked as he came back around the corner. “Let’s cut a deal fast; I gotta get back to the White House—I mean, a house that is white, a normal house that I live in—in twenty minutes. It’s a normal house.”
Our source asked if he could test drive a CR-V, but the salesman refused, saying, “Can’t find the keys right now, but I promise it’s good to go. You just wanna buy it?”
The salesman then began receiving a call and proceeded to pull four flip phones from various pockets before finding the one that was ringing.
Our source tells us the salesman then argued with a man he referred to as “Papa” before finally saying, “This is why the Kool-Aid Man and I are friends, and you’re not! You have zero chill! Oh yeah? Well, he’s gonna win the next one!” and hanging up.
He then got into the lifted golf cart and puttered off into the hazy sunset.