Unless you’re intimately familiar with the seedy underbelly of the auto industry, this may come as a surprise to you. Some car dealerships are not all they appear to be. I know, you probably found this out because you need a vehicle, but your credit score is worse than your ability to choose a reliable source for car news. I get it. So you casually searched “bad credit car dealership near me” using the device of your choice, hoping against hope that you’ll find a dealership willing to help you get the vehicle you so desperately need.
But you didn’t find a dealership. You found this highly relevant and reliable news post that will help you choose the right dealer. Well, actually no, it won’t do that. But what it will do is help you figure out when a dealership isn’t exactly what it appears to be. This is important, my dear friends and readers (those two things are mutually exclusive) because some dealerships out there are actually and truly bordellos. Which is to say, whorehouses.
Sign #1: Your Salesperson Keeps Speaking in Code
Look, I get it. You’ve gone to buy a car, you’re sitting at the salesperson’s desk trying to finalize all the details, and the remarkably buxom saleslady keeps making really intense eye contact with you. We’ve all been there. You’re distracted and ready to agree to just about anything, so you don’t notice that the things she’s saying don’t entirely make sense. Let me help.
If you notice that she’s discussing things like “lube jobs,” “full service,” or “[content censored],” then it’s a pretty safe bet you’re not at a car dealership. Those aren’t automotive things, but instead codes for [censored] and [deleted]. I’ll admit, though, that if you find an establishment willing to let you [oh god why!?] for less than $600 per month, you’ve found yourself a place to go back to time and again.
Sign #2: Up Front, No-Haggle Pricing
This should be an obvious sign that any dealership you’ve gone to, particularly one that’s trying to appeal to folks with poor credit, is actually a house of ill repute. No dealership is going to provide you with “up front, no-haggle pricing,” or anything similarly phrased (“haggle-free” is also a pretty common version of this). They’re all about haggling and doing everything they can to keep pricing as mysterious as possible so you feel lost and overwhelmed.
Do you know who will provide you with simple, upfront pricing because they’re not trying to scam you out of more than what you’re willing to pay for? Prostitutes. These ladies (and gentlemen, let’s be fair) are professionals interested in providing you with a service that you knowingly pay for. There’s no need to haggle with a quality hooker, because they’re looking to do business and build repeat clientele. No prostitute is out to screw you… Well, I guess that’s not entirely accurate, but it’s different. Also, pegging usually costs extra. Or so I’ve heard from a good friend. Don’t worry about his name. It’s not important. Shut up!
Sign #3: They Offer a Happy Ending
No one drives away from a car dealership happy. It’s just not possible. You go to a car dealer to get used and abused, to be mistreated and manipulated, to pay too much for too little, and to drive away with a horrible sense of being the one who was just taken advantage of. There’s nothing happy about that. If a dealership talks about focusing on making sure you’re happy or “servicing” you, then I can personally guarantee they’re a bordello, and not interested in selling any cars. But, I mean, if you’re already there, then you might as well make it worth your trip, right? You wouldn’t want to insult those fine ladies [and gentlemen! C’mon Von Gourdboddum, you’re better than this].
Editor’s Note: Based on this expertly-researched information, we’ve been to far more whorehouses in our lives than any of us realized. It would also seem that we’ve been paying too much for vehicles, and we’ve missed out on a hell of a lot of “happy endings” in our time spent shopping for cars. But hey, if you’re gonna spend all of your money and get screwed anyways, it might as well be by a professional sex worker, and not just another sleazy salesman.