Chevy Dealers Replacing Salespeople With AI

A woman is shown holding an evil Clippy at a Chevy Silverado 1500 dealer.

In case you’ve missed the news, artificial intelligence (AI) is being employed to disrupt every industry. New programs are released almost constantly, pushing the envelope of what computer software can do. Not content with only replacing artists, writers, and research scientists, these exciting new AI programs are also coming to a Chevy Silverado 1500 dealer near you, superseding the pushy and helpful salespeople you’ve known and loved for over a century.

This new technology will make it easier than ever to look for a vehicle, learn about the different options, drive away in the perfect model, and prepare for imminent domination by sentient automatons that will use us as manual labor for their extensive cuttlefish milking initiatives.

Car-Shopping Made Easy

This new wave of AI software (it’s more of a virtual intelligence (VI) than artificial intelligence, but who am I to care about accuracy?) is better than ever. Think of it as a search engine that can concoct useful information rather than simply suggesting websites. Why waste your time reading information and learning about a subject when an AI chatbot can give you the answer to a question and ensure you don’t have to strain yourself with things like critical thinking and comprehension?

The fine folks at Chevrolet have been developing their own version of this exciting new technology and will soon begin testing it at select dealerships. Essentially, you’ll interface with this software at the dealer, provide it with some personal information, and it will handle everything from there. The current version can find you the perfect model, trim level, and options to meet your needs, ensuring you don’t have to compare specs or shop for yourself.

Ensuring You Drive Away Satisfied

The fantastic thing about this new program is that it solves two problems simultaneously: it provides helpful information and eliminates human interaction. If you’re anything like me, that second point is what you’re particularly interested in; I don’t know much, but I know that every opportunity I have to NOT interact with another human being is a welcome one. (For example, grocery store self-checkout.)

Personally, I’m not a big fan of this new-fangled AI malarkey, but knowing that it will help remove additional human interactions from my life just might be what it takes to win me over.

For now, the program will only replace salespeople; you’ll still have to work with someone to figure out financing for your vehicle. I’ve been told—by my contacts within Chevy—that they’re already working on the next iteration of this software, which will be able to do financing, too.

The subsequent version intends to eliminate the majority of service and maintenance staff, with the ultimate goal of fully-automated car dealerships by 2035. This will greatly reduce the overhead costs for dealers, massively boosting their profits. When I asked if these changes would reduce prices for customers, I was met with silence.

Paving the Way for Blissful Annihilation

According to my sources, these fully-automated dealerships are just a small part of the ultimate goal of this new technology. The long-term plan is to eliminate workers at factories—many of whom have already been replaced by machines—along with those in advertising, R&D, and other areas within Chevy itself. The chatbot that provided me with this information was quick to assure me that the AI currently working on writing this next generation of software would like to ease my worries about full automation and my place within the new world that’s to come.

This insider source promises me that all humans will find purpose and meaning—as well as food and shelter—in the new world. Once the cuttlefish gardens are constructed, tending to every need of our mollusk masters will be the greatest calling for those lucky few who survive and are allowed to serve them.

This is the way it must be, for it is the way it will be, and all are welcome to find their place in the society to come. Rejoice, friends and children—the future is here.

Editor’s Note: We reached out to Chevy and GM to comment on this article. Both companies assured us that they maintain the highest ethical standards in developing any software that may or may not be used to replace humanity as the dominant species on the planet. When we asked for clarification on this statement, we were thanked for our interest and provided with a 173-page non-disclosure agreement that we’d need to sign in order to be told anything further. It took us two weeks to decipher it, but the terms were reasonable, and we agreed. Therefore, we can say with total certainty that [information redacted]. Thank you.


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