Sitting here atop a mountain and looking out over the vast stretches of wilderness surrounding this bunker of mine, something is clear to me. More electric vehicles (EVs) are hitting the road here in America, but we lack the infrastructure to keep up with them. Am I saying this based purely on what I can see around me? No, of course not. I’m basing this astute observation on recent news that there are only three EV chargers in the country for every 10,000 Americans, which seems problematic to me.
Of course, one man’s problem is another man’s opportunity. With EV car sales on the rise and the charging infrastructure struggling to keep up, you have a chance to profit off this disparity. It may seem callous or shrewd to try to profit off this situation, but I assure you that there are plenty of companies doing everything they can to squeeze every cent out of the scenario we find ourselves in. Shouldn’t you get some of that cabbage instead? Here’s how you can.
Way #1: Sell Electricity by the Side of the Road
Here’s something those Washington fat cats don’t want you to know: There’s no law on the books prohibiting the sale of electricity by private citizens. You don’t need a license for it or some kind of permit. Electricity is a natural resource, and you’re free to sell it however you want. See where I’m going with this? Your home gets electricity, right? It seems like you have a simple solution to the lack of charging stations.
That’s right, your home can be a charging station. Just let strangers plug into your outlets, if you know what I mean, and get their fill of your delectable fluids… I mean, electrons. I’m not sure how electricity works, and I got distracted by what I was saying. My point is that you can sell electricity to your fellow Americans, and everyone wins. You make a profit, drivers can get where they’re going, and some third group gets something too. It’s perfect!
Way #2: Offer Your Children for Transportation
I know what you’re thinking. “Hey Rutherfjord, I don’t want a bunch of filthy strangers coming to my home and plugging their vehicles into my precious outlets! Screw you for suggesting that, you old bastard!” First of all, go to hell, but thank you for being a reader. Second of all, that’s fine. I’ve got a solution for you too.
You have children, right? Don’t we all? Well it’s about time they start earning their keep. I don’t care how old they are. That’s the beauty of this–it works in any situation. Let’s say you live in an area without any charging stations, and people are worried about running out of juice before they reach the next one. Just offer to strap your kids to their vehicle, and have the wee monsters drag it for them however many miles it is to the next charging station.
I’ve designed some special harnesses that are perfect for this situation. They’re one size fits all with adjustable straps, so you can secure your child, and then connect the other end to the vehicle you need them to tow. It’s a simple, elegant solution for a complex problem, and I’m particularly pleased to be able to offer it. If you don’t have any kids, pets will work just as well (well, maybe not hamsters, fish, or rocks), or maybe make that good-for-nothing husband of yours finally work a day in his life.
Way #3: Build a Pop-Up Charging Station
Finally, we have an American classic. Grab yourself a cardboard box, draw “EV Charging Station” on it, plop it down in an empty lot, and charge folks $20 to “plug” into it. Is there anything there to actually charge their vehicle? Hell no, but that doesn’t matter. Get five or six people all lined up, take payment while the first rube is charging, and then get the hell out of there. Yes, it’s a scam, but so is everything related to energy and the auto industry, so it’s time for you to get yours. Can you be arrested for this? Probably, but that’s your problem. It’s only a problem if you get caught. So don’t get caught, and grab that American dream!
Editor’s Note: We’re pretty sure there are laws regulating who can sell electricity, or power companies wouldn’t exist the way they do. To be honest, we’re too lazy to look it up, and Sheryl just rolled in with donuts this morning, so this is fine. Go ahead and do these things, then let us know how they work. We’ll… hey, save me a cream-filled!