Four Signs That a Car Dealership Is Trying to Kill You

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A car salesman is shown on a dealer lot next to a warning sign.

Allow me to paint you a picture: You want to buy a car for cheap, so you look online for folks selling their vehicles in your area. After a bit of searching, you find something that will work for you, contact the seller, agree on a price after a bit of back-and-forth, and everything seems good. You go to meet the seller. They offer to let you take it for a test drive, so you get in. Next thing you know, you’re waking up drowsy and blindfolded, chained up in some lunatic’s basement! This is what happens to 100% of people who try to buy a car from a private seller.

To avoid this fate, you’ll obviously want to buy your next ride from a used car dealer, but that’s not without its own dangers. Life is fraught with peril, and we live in a cold, uncaring universe, which is evident by simply looking at the price of groceries these days, or by attempting to have a conversation with another person without it turning into a political argument. No one cares about you and your wellbeing, except for me. So I’m going to help you avoid the very real risk of a car dealership murdering you. You’re welcome.

Sign #1: The Salesperson Smiles at You

This one’s really simple, and it’s something that you should know about people in general, to be honest. Go to a car dealership and look around, though I suggest you do your best to avoid making eye contact, since that is known to arouse and enrage the average car salesperson. What you should see is people working there who look absolutely miserable, people who look as though they’ve been dragged to work by their hair (which is often the case), and forced to answer the phone, sell cars, and perform maintenance under threat of painful death. The moment, the absolute moment, that someone at a car dealership—especially a salesperson—smiles at you, get the hell out of there! They are going to kill you and harvest your precious organs to sell on eBay.

Sign #2: They Offer to Buy Your Current Vehicle

What do car dealerships do? They sell cars, that’s right. So why would a car dealer want to buy a car from you? That’s the opposite—it’s losing money! The only reason a used car dealer will offer to “buy” your vehicle from you is because they are actually planning on killing you, then selling your car to some other hapless schmuck. This is also true if they’re willing to take your vehicle as a “trade-in.” There’s no such thing as a trade-in. It’s an industry term for customers who are abducted and traded between dealerships as forced labor, or sold to car companies for use as crash test dummies.

Sign #3: The Dealership Offers a “No Haggle” Price

Invented by Saturn, which everyone knows was a cult based on human sacrifice, this is a trick that’s been popping up more and more lately. The idea that a dealership will skip the haggling process and simply sell you a car for a clearly marked price is utterly ridiculous. Why would they ever do that? Haggling is a chance to get as much money from you as possible before you drive away. The only time a dealer doesn’t bother with haggling is when they plan on skipping the whole thing and just murdering you. These dealerships are well known for not even harvesting organs from their victims ,or using them for some other nefarious purposes. They’re just filled with psychopaths who live for the kill. Again, look at Saturn, who became so diabolical in their ways that even GM had to shut them down.

Sign #4: They Have a Large Inventory of Used Cars

A legitimate used car dealer will have about two dozen models available at any given time, maybe three dozen if they’re particularly popular. Anything beyond that should be a massive red flag to you. How do some of these mega-dealers have hundreds of vehicles on-hand to sell? Simple: They’re killing people and taking their cars.

No dealership can afford to buy dozens and dozens of vehicles from people and stay in business, nor are they about to take all of those trade-ins (remember, that’s not a thing). The only way they could possibly have all of those vehicles at the lot is if they were stealing those cars. Despite what you might have heard, though, car salespeople aren’t thieves. They’re murderers who find the strength to get through each day only thanks to the promise of hearing another death rattle, or feeling that final arterial gush splash against their smiling faces. Still, at least they’re not the true monsters: auto manufacturer executives.

Editor’s Note: Although this author makes some good points about the dangers of car dealerships, we’ve considered this subject thoroughly, and believe he’s missing the point. Any good dealership should be able to get away with some murder here and there. Otherwise, they clearly haven’t earned our business. We wouldn’t want to buy a car from someone who hasn’t choked a few people and watched the light fade from their eyes. That’s just how the auto industry works.

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