Signs Your Used Car Is a Closet Cold Case Killer

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A white 2020 Ford Fusion is shown from the front at an angle after leaving a used car dealer.

Does anyone else watch a few episodes of Cold Case Files to unwind at the end of the day or is that just me? Just me? Okay. There’s something oddly satisfying about law enforcement locating someone’s murderer 40 years later when they were right under their nose the entire time. Typically, the killer doesn’t go far, instead, they have a sort of fascination with the case, often turning up at the funeral and even aiding police along the way. There are some telltale signs, though, that can peg the killer right away, and although this may sound crazy, you can apply the knowledge you’re about to learn to used cars. A used car dealer can try as they might to conceal the evidence of a bad car, but justice always prevails, and here’s how to figure out if your used car is a killer in disguise.

No Prior Records

Staying off the grid is what serial killers do best. So often, they’re functioning members of society with normal jobs, families, and no out-of-the-ordinary tendencies. Cold case killers like to stay out of the spotlight, which means they don’t often have records that warrant their DNA being in the CODIS database. The same rings true for a used car. Many used car cold case killers carry no maintenance records. They have no prior convictions. They simply exist, just waiting to strike again. If you buy a used car and you can’t locate its prior records, run as far as you can, change your identity, and live a quiet life on a remote farm somewhere. It’ll find you–they always do–but maybe you can enjoy a decade or so before it does.

Abandonment Issues

Nobody wants to be lonely. Isn’t that what Ricky Martin taught us back in 2001? Cold case killers can really turn up the charm when they want to keep you around. They want to show you that they’re worth having in your life, so maybe they take you out to dinner once, buy you flowers, or help you out around the house. Everyone knows that this behavior doesn’t last and they’ll be right back to their true selves within a matter of days. A used car is the same. Just when you’re ready to replace it because it won’t start, its transmission is slipping, or it’s a downright terrible car, it starts to impress you by working the way it should have worked all along. But it just wants you to let your guard down so you won’t notice the large chef’s knife missing from your kitchen.

Hiding Its Scars

So many serial killers attribute their behavior to past tragedies or neglect. Maybe one of their parents wasn’t in their life or maybe they didn’t get as much attention as their other siblings. These things shape the way these individuals turn out, causing them to bury the trauma and hide their scars. Used cars do this too, hiding the rust and corrosion left behind by a previous owner who didn’t love it enough. Maybe someone put a bandaid on a big problem under its hood and it’s slowly peeling away. Look closely at the scars of your car. You may just gain a better understanding of why it acts the way it acts, and why it leaves its victims face-down so they can’t watch it with their judging eyes.

Concealing Weird Habits

Despite the fact that many cold case killers appear very normal, deep down, they have some odd tendencies. They may have an infatuation with a certain type of person or maybe they have to cut their steak a certain way. They may be OCD about things in the house, or they may even throw a tantrum if their schedule gets altered in any way. Surprisingly enough, a used car has weird habits it tries to hide too—probably so that you don’t abandon it. From trouble starting to a little shimmy as it drives down the highway, trouble unlocking its doors to little vibrations felt throughout the cabin, there are small nuances that make it just a little weird. Over time, it gets nearly impossible to hide these little ticks, so be sure to watch out for small oddities now.

It Will Strike Again

More often than not, a killer will strike again; it’s just too tempting and once they’ve hidden in the shadows for a certain period of time, they’re ready for their next victim. If your used car is exhibiting any of the warning signs mentioned above, chances are it’s just lying in wait—ready to make you have a bad day. Maybe it’ll decide to break down in rush-hour traffic, maybe it just won’t start when you’re running late to an important appointment, or maybe it’ll hide in your closet on your wedding night, waiting for you with an axe and a smile.

Anything is possible and depending on how attached your car is to you, the severity of its strike against you will vary. Crimes of passion are always more severe. So, don’t let the relationship with your used car get out of hand. Know the warning signs and seek help before it’s too late and your car ends up featured on the next episode of Cold Case Files. After all, the perpetrator almost always ends up being someone you know, and who do you know better than your car?

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