MONTE RIO, Calif. — The Ford Motor Company has released a statement announcing a new truck model based largely on their best-selling light-duty F-150. It will supposedly see few changes, but Ford executives insist it is not just a trim for their indomitable hauler.
The statement was considerably difficult to read and riddled with spelling errors, leading us to question if it was issued preemptively. It also had an inexplicable stain, which we found dumbfounding since the statement was a PDF and not a tangible sheet of paper.
We reached out to Ford for comment, and everybody we spoke with—up to CEO Jim Farley Jr. himself—was likewise confused, saying they’d investigate. About twenty minutes later, Henry Ford III—the spoon-fed great-great-grandson of the automotive pioneer—slid into my Instagram DMs.
I evaded the semi-erotic tones in his messages for about an hour, at which point he asked if he could call me. I gave him my phone number. The following is my best attempt at transcribing our conversation:
HF3 – “What’s up, sugar dick.”
FBS – “Hello.”
HF3 – “I like the picture you posted in, uh, October of 2011, of the, uh, funny carpet.”
FBS – “Are you drunk?”
HF3 – “Are you horny?”
FBS – “[pause]”
HF3 – “You there?”
FBS – “I was hoping to ask you about this press release that came out on Board of Directors letterhead?”
HF3 – “That was an email.”
FBS – “Yeah… It was… I had hoped you could—”
HF3 – “[background noise] One minute! Lemme jus- One minute!”
FBS – “Are you busy?”
HF3 – “Nah, it’s… a party.”
FBS – “It sounds like a fun party.”
HF3 – “Of course, idiot. Do I look like the kinda guy who does, who goes to stupid- I don’t go to stupid parties. I go to big fancy parties cos I’m cool and I’m fuckin’ rich as shiiiiit.”
FBS – “I wouldn’t have expected anything otherwi—”
HF3 – “You should come over.”
FBS – “I’m, uh, busy right now, sorry.”
HF3 – “We’ve got a beefcake actor, a Dutch staffing tycoon, one of Zimbabwe’s Vice Presidents, and the guy who created Chili’s.”
FBS – “That sounds really diverse.”
HF3 – “It’s Bohemian Grove.”
FBS – “I had my suspicions.”
HF3 – “What’s- because, like, you’re an investigator or something? Are you investigating me?”
FBS – “No, I’m an editor for an automotive publication. I wanted to ask you about the new—”
HF3 – “The F-151?!”
FBS – “Yes.”
HF3 – “I came up with that! It’s the best!”
FBS – “Wonderful. Could you please tell me more about—”
HF3 – “It’s like if you took an F-150 and you, like, made it the dopest shit ever.”
FBS – “Okay. So how exactly does it differ from the orig—”
HF3 – “Cos it’s fuckin better, you shit-bitch.”
FBS – “What I meant was, what features are you proposing to have in—”
HF3 – “I wrote all that in the press release.”
FBS – “Yes, of course, but I was hoping to get a quote from you directly.”
HF3 – “Okay, well, it’s got a big fat dumper in the back, so you can tote all your friends around the ranch, and you’ve got the biggest motherfucking cup-holders you’ve ever seen in your whole goddamn life, and it’s got LED strips all over the inside for the dopest lighting, and it’s got a palm tree, and it’s got ten cigarette lighters to light your chronic, and little cubbies in the armrests for you to hide your chronic when the oinkers pull you over and call the sheriff to drive you home, and there’s a chunky—”
FBS – “I’m sorry—did you say there was a palm tree?”
HF3 – “Yeah, in the car.”
FBS – “Right—that’s what I’m confused about.”
HF3 – “What, you ain’t ever seen a palm tree before?”
FBS – “No, I’ve… seen a palm tree…”
HF3 – “And there’s one in the car.”
FBS – “Okay. Um. So how was this model developed?”
HF3 – “In a brain’s dream.”
FBS – “And, so- What I mean is, did this pop into your head fully formed, or…”
HF3 – “Oh, it’s the craziest story. So I’m doing Caribou Lou jello shots off Karl Rove’s squishy belly, and Wolfgang Colberg of Pernod Ricard takes my shoulder and he points in my drink and he’s like, ‘That’s my rum,’ and I’m like, ‘Nah, bruh, I poured this myself,’ and he’s like, ‘No, I mean, that’s my rum,’ and I’m like, ‘No, you Kraut fuck, I poured this into my own goddamn cup, so don’t tell me it’s yours cos I’ll fucking squeeze your head between my thighs and pop it like a fucking grape,’ and he’s like, ‘No, I mean, my company owns that rum—Malibu Rum,’ and I’m like, ‘Ohhhh,’ and we laughed and laughed…”
FBS – “So… then you just designed a truck together?”
HF3 – “Fuck yeah, bitch, my name’s on the company; I can do whatever I want. I’ve killed seven men.”
FBS – “Oh.”
HF3 – “All were Filipino—isn’t that weird? I never planned that. What does that mean?”
FBS – “I don’t…”
HF3 – “Woofies.”
FBS – “That’s a…”
HF3 – “We’re doing it the other way, too.”
FBS – “Doing…what the other way?”
HF3 – “Malibu Rum and Ford, Ford and Malibu Rum.”
FBS – “You’re putting a Ford F-150 in the rum?”
HF3 – “We’re making the rum taste like a Ford F-150, idiot.”
FBS – “Wha- …how?”
HF3 – “Splash of gasoline, blend, then let soak in an all-terrain tire for a week.”
FBS – “That’s… surely innovative.”
HF3 – “There’s a market for it.”
FBS – “You would know best.”
HF3 – “How do you feel about sex with older men?”
FBS – “I’m married.”
HF3 – “Me, too. Wink.”
FBS – “Did you just say ‘wink’?”
HF3 – “I have very narrow hands, if you know what I mean.”
FBS – “I have to go.”
The Ford F-151 will be available in Cream White or Piss Green and is expected to debut in 2025. Estimated MSRP is around $46,000.
