Ford Abandons New Environmental Initiatives, Claims Climate Change Is “Hoax”

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A group of protestors hold signs and protest a Ford dealer.

DETROIT, MI — For over 100 years, Ford has symbolized American ingenuity and innovation. From its role in ushering in the golden age of the muscle car to being a major player in the rise in popularity of the SUV, your local Ford dealer has been able to withstand the many cultural changes that have occurred throughout the years, as well as adapt to the ever-growing changes in consumer needs. That is, until now.

In a recent statement from Ford CEO Jim Farley, there was a massive change in the Blue Oval’s outlook toward going green—a move that many other brands have fully embraced to lower emissions and scrub away the carbon footprint that still haunts our planet.

“Ever since the Model T, Ford has always gone against the grain in an attempt to be Number One in the hearts and minds of the American people. … So, as of today, we’re announcing that we will no longer be adhering to rules and regulations that limit emissions. We’re going to do what we do best: build vehicles that require frequent trips to Sunoco and belch out smoke with no apologies.”

“For the past several years, we’ve been warned about the dangers of climate change… I’m here today to state once and for all that it’s a hoax. A big, fat, dirty, sexy hoax.”

For those of you who had hoped to buy an environmentally friendly Ford, this sudden change of plans must seem upsetting. Ford will still produce their hybrid vehicles and the all-electric F-150 Lightning, but only because they “generate a great amount of profits and make people feel better about themselves,” Farley said.

Farley has stated that the industry-wide initiative to produce more electric vehicles is nothing more than falling in line and conforming with the notion that the planet is suffering from the effects of humankind. “The planet has existed for billions of years … now Al Gore says it’s in trouble, and everyone believes him. Well, no more!”

“It’s a bold new chapter in the history of Ford… We’ve always defied convention and expectation, so we’re going to take a stand against the rampant paranoia that unwashed, stinky environmentalism activists have been spreading for the past several decades.”

While this news might come as a surprise to many, there’s one person who has speculated that this is certainly not a surprise. Industry insider Mark Scaglione—who was willing to talk with us—explained that this has been a part of Ford’s business model for several years.

“It’s all a part of what Ford has always done: ignore consumer needs and the greater good and do what they want. Look at the Edsel—it was a hideous disaster, but Ford still produced it. They also knew the Pinto could blow up if rear-ended, but they wanted to turn a profit before anyone else found out.”

Scaglione went on to say that Ford’s abandonment of all environmentally-conscious policies and initiatives is actually one of the best marketing strategies that he’s ever come across. “There’s a lot of division in the United States right now. A large number of drivers and consumers cling to the belief that climate change is a hoax and that the desire to take better care of the planet is a misconception and conspiracy.”

“By doubling down on this point of view, they’ve managed to alienate several potential customers, but they also gained the die-hard loyalty of a whole new demographic. It’s a bold step and something that shows the outside-the-box thinking Ford has always been known for.”

We’re unsure of how this strategy will play out in the upcoming years, but we will keep you updated as this policy takes effect.

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