DAYTONA BEACH, FL — The SUV has achieved widespread popularity as the ideal choice of transportation in modern America, and a major part of this can be attributed to the scaling down of their size—an ongoing process since the early 2000s, leading to what we call the “crossover” SUV.
Many of today’s new drivers—who were born at the start of the millennium—might not recall the days when SUVs were of unusual size and had powertrains that choked down gallons of fuel with reckless abandon. While you might not see one of these land masses among a dealership’s usual used SUVs for sale, you could far more easily take a trip to Daytona Beach and meet Jason “The Jiggalo” Johnson.
Johnson, a retired gym teacher, is one of the few remaining drivers who swear by the old saying that “size does matter.” He still drives a 1999 Ford Excursion—a behemoth of a vehicle, Johnson assures those he comes into contact with, that “has nothing to do with compensating for the totally acceptable size of [his] penis.”
Just in case some of you are confused about the vehicle in question, the Excursion was the next size up from the Ford Expedition and was known for its enormous girth, its V10 engine, and its average fuel economy never exceeding single digits.
We spoke to Johnson about his passion for a vehicle that serves as a masterclass for impracticality. “I’m a man. I’m a big dog. With me, it’s real simple—go big or go home.”
Johnson was all too eager to share with us the reasons why he’s stayed loyal to this whale-ass of an SUV after all of these years. “America built its name on big vehicles. Then everything went to hell and a handbasket when pussies started having their cars built with chopsticks and not with tools. Asians are ruining America. You know, I have this theory—”
We asked him if he was referring to the energy crisis of the 1970s and the need for more fuel-efficient vehicles. “You’re damn right!” he responded, spraying saliva. “You see this vehicle behind me? This is for big boys, not wimps who rely on electricity and eat tofu.”
We were curious as to why Johnson, who lives alone and has no need for a vehicle with towing prowess, would be so insistent on driving an Excursion, especially when it only gets 9 MPG. “It’s how I do my part to make sure that the American gas station stays in business. It’s also a small price to pay for the amount of power and glory the Excursion delivers. Have I told you yet about that time I shot a raccoon?”
While we were certainly impressed with Johnson’s dedication to what he perceives is American exceptionalism, we also had our assumptions about his reasoning. We were nervous about asking him a particular question, but it was on our minds from the moment we started talking.
“Mr. Johnson, is the reason why you drive an Excursion deflective in any way?”
“Are you overcompensating for any possible shortcomings?”
“I don’t follow.”
“Are you asking me if I have a small penis?”
“In not so many words, yes.”
“I don’t need any help in that department, believe me! There are a lot of reasons why I drive what I do. And me having a small dick is NOT one of them. Except… except I DON’T. I asked my mom just last week, and she said I have a gentleman’s member.”
Johnson’s becoming as defensive as he did seemed to answer our question; that, and his saying so. Nevertheless, his determination to drive such an impractical vehicle is certainly admirable.