Three Secrets of the All-New 2024 Chevy Traverse

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A group of people are standing near a red 2024 Chevy Traverse.

Friends, allow me to start by saying something controversial: This is not the only automotive news website on the Internet. I know, I know, I was shocked to discover this too. And yet, as I looked at a number of other websites and the supposed journalism that they provide, I was dismayed and confused by what I discovered. Time and time again, these other websites offered only article after article providing “news” and “information” that were little more than well-written explanations of official vehicle specs, rewritten press releases, and articles from other websites reworded juuuuust enough to avoid plagiarism charges. What kind of news is that?

You deserve to go beyond the pale skin of the automotive world, to burrow beneath the skin, and dig your pointed teeth into the subcutaneous tissue below. If you’re anything like me, you’re after the meat of a story. You want to chew on bone and suck at the delicious marrow. Now that we’re all hungry, let me tell you some of the secrets the auto industry doesn’t want you to know—in a minute, because I need to go make soup.

Okay, I’m back. Let’s have a look at some details about the all-new 2024 Traverse that Chevy wants to keep from you.

Secret #1: The Z71 Can’t Go Off-Road

This is, arguably, the most shocking of these secrets, which is why I started with it. The new Z71 trim, which is being so loudly touted as a fantastic new off-road option for the Chevy Traverse, is actually incapable of handling any off-road driving whatsoever. Due to their focus-group testing, Chevy has discovered that no one will actually take the Traverse Z71 off-road. Instead, people want it as a status symbol for sitting in the driveway or picking up kids at school. As such, should you actually hit the trail in the Z71, it will literally shake itself apart and be rendered into a heaping, ruinous pile after about 13 minutes and 24 seconds. Not that we tried this or anything.

Secret #2: The New Engine Is the Old Engine

If you’re impressed by the “new” 2.5L turbocharged engine with its estimated 315 hp and 317 lb-ft of torque, then you should be, but not for the reason you think. You see, this isn’t actually a new engine. This is the engine that we were supposed to get for the 2018 model year, but the one we got instead, a 3.6L V6, actually went back in time to stop it. According to my sources inside Chevy, the 3.6L engine traveled through a “quantum gateway” to stop the 2.5L engine from being used in the Traverse at the time so that we’d get the 3.6L V6 instead. At that point, however, another engine also traveled back in time to try to stop the 3.6L. That engine became the father of the 2.5L engine that we have now, which means the 3.6L failed in its attempt to stop it after all. That’s just how things work once engines start traveling through time after watching way too much Doctor Who, because engines watch TV, too.

Secret #3: The Tech Features Aren’t What They Appear

It’s easy to be seduced by flashy things like a 17.7-inch infotainment display, which is standard in the all-new and redesigned 2024 Chevy Traverse, but you need to look closer. As soon as you read the fine print, you’ll notice that the measurement they’ve provided is in metric inches. A quick conversion will reveal that 17.7 inches is actually about 45cm in metric; once you convert that to metric inches, you’ll see that 17.7cm is around 6.9 inches, which I’ve been told is a “good size.” Further conversions quickly reveal that 6.9cm in metric inches converts to about 2.7 inches, which again we can convert to 2.7cm and then into 1.0 inch.

At this rate it should be clear that 1.0 inch is incredibly small. You’re looking at an infotainment display that you can barely see. This is why it’s so important that you always look at the fine print carefully when it comes to car specs, especially with a new announcement like this. Converting between the superior American measurement system of Freedom Units and confusing, inferior metric formats is always tricky. Fortunately for you, I was here to provide this guidance and offer the information you deserve about whatever it was we were discussing.

Editor’s Note: Based on this author’s own conversions, we believe he’s stumbled into a modified version of Zeno’s Dichotomy Paradox. The conversions between metric and American measurements will always approach zero, but never actually reach it. As such, we assume the actual size of the display is in a state of flux, and perhaps is determined by the speed at which you’re traveling. We’ve reached out to Chevrolet for comment on this new development, but at this time they’ve responded only with a cease-and-desist letter. We will continue our efforts to get to the bottom of this paradox, as well as how engines not installed in a DeLorean discovered time travel.

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