Meet the Holderness Family.
The fact is that you probably already know Penn and Kim Holderness, as well as their children Lola and Penn Charles, courtesy of your Facebook newsfeed. Beginning with their viral “Xmas Jammies” video, the Holderness Family has become an internet sensation creating family-friendly parody music videos based around every topic from “Summer Vacation” and “Back to School.” Ring any bells? If not, here’s a look at their most recent video; but we warn you, viewing such scripted camera-mugging for more than 53 seconds can result in suicidal thoughts.
We’re sorry (whether you enjoyed that, or not). In fact, you probably fall into one of two groups (i) those who adore the Holderness Family or (ii) those who wish a giant crevasse would open up at their feet and swallow their pretentious, overbearingly saccharin and pandering “comedy” stylings. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Last weekend, it was reported that the dealerships located on an Orlando area auto mile had fallen victim to a major crisis. With massive sinkholes opening along the stretch of highway and throughout the dealer lots themselves, countless motorists, car-buyers and dealer inventories had been sucked into the gaping hell-mouths, never to be seen again. The only exception? The Holderness Family, who happened to be car shopping at the time.
“We were looking for a new crossover SUV,” explains former local sports anchor Penn Holderness, making hip-hop hand gestures, seemingly unaware that we were not, in fact, filming him. “We were debating the 2018 GMC Terrain vs 2018 Nissan Rogue, so we came to the auto mile to take a look at both.”
We can only assume that his wife, former local news reporter, Kim agreed with his recount based on the nondescript gang sign she threw up while nodding her head with lips puckered like some sort of Botox’d video vixen, adding, “That’s when we met the Mole People.”
The Mole People which Kim Holderness is referring to, appear to be a subterranean race of evolved foragers, that have thrived underground for millennia. While the authorities remain tight-lipped, sources tell The Lemon that the mole people instigated the sinkholes as a first-strike against the surface dwellers. According to that source, the mole people intend to terrorize humanity through destruction and kidnapping, until mankind relinquishes control of the planet to them.
And while the mole people show no intent of returning any of their victims to safety, onlookers were amazed when the Holderness Family rose from one of the sinkholes unscathed.
“There they were, rising through the mist,” explains Tim Martell, an onlooker who witnessed their return. “But did they really need to pose, like an early 90’s Boys II Men album cover? I mean, seriously. Are they like this all-the-friggin-time?”
Accompanying them was the only communication received to date, from the Mole People; a piece of slate, with the words ‘You can keep them’ scratched crudely into it. One can only assume that the family is already halfway done with a parody to Blackstreet’s ‘No Diggity.’
No Diggity? No doubt.
But Harvard-educated child psychologist Nigel Pentecost fears for the Holderness children, citing, “irreparable psychological damage, which could take decades of intensive therapy to reverse” further clarifying, “not because of the mole people, but simply because of those damn videos their parents make.”
