When will Los Angeles Embrace “Jeep Life”? When Hell Freezes Over.

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A man summoning hands from hell in front of the Hollywood sign and Jeeps with 'I heart satan

When searching for Jeep dealership Los Angeles drivers might be disappointed to find the relative lack of options available to them. From Bentley to Benz, it’s widely accepted that a large number of higher income L.A. drivers will place themselves behind the wheel of aspirational vehicles designed by high-end automakers. As for median to lower-income drivers, they are far more likely to choose sensible, fuel-efficient vehicles to make long commutes more palatable. But regardless of vehicle make, the near-global influence of California’s groundbreaking environmental legislation is bound to ensure that most every registered vehicle in the state is eco-friendly to some extent. It’s one of the major reasons why California streets and highways boast fewer oversized, heavy and super duty trucks along with a variety of other non-commercial gas guzzlers. This, of course, would include many offroad vehicles such as lifted, and trail-ready Wranglers.

But when it comes to Jeep’s lack of place in California, it’s not all about the environment. Beaches aside, the simple truth is that there’s a large disparity between the traditional Jeeper image, and that of the glamorous Hollywood elite (and the fame-seeking wannabes). While a New Englander might sell their soul for a kickass off-road vehicle, the majority of L.A. might sell their soul to be showcased in a national TV commercial.

Needless to say, no-one should have been surprised when a flaming hell-mouth opened up below the world-famous Rodeo Drive. Instantly swallowing a TMZ tour bus, and (potentially) killing two out of the three members of (90’s brother-band) Hansen, the crevasse was initially mistaken as another west coast seismic occurrence. But there was nothing natural, or geological about it. This was clearly the work of the goat-headed dark lord, Baphomet.

This theory seemed to be confirmed when two-winged representatives of demonic Principalities emerged carrying a blood-soaked scroll decrying, in ancient Mesopotamian, “JEEP CLEARANCE EVENT! ALL CALIFORNIANS MUST GO!”

According to authorities, countless hordes of travesties emerged from the hell-mouth, crawling or flying as their individual biologies allowed. High-end shoppers found themselves devoured or torn apart by the demons, but only after the victims’ souls were pulled from their corporeal bodies to appease the satanic bloodlust. High-end store after high-end store became engulfed in sulfurous flame, as the glorious Hollywood aesthetic devolved into a scorched, soulless hell-scape. According to Deputy Sheriff, Erik Estrada (and the E! Entertainment Network) the only survivors of the fallen angel attack were the Kardashian/Jenner family who ‘had no souls to offer.’

But what prompted this attack, and what connection do the minions of the underworld hold with Fiat-Chrysler of America? More importantly, are there other parts of the country susceptible to such demonic attacks, based on the absence of Jeep vehicles to be found? The world may never know, seeing as the liberal news media is unlikely to report this across mainstream news platforms.

With that in mind, The Lemon asks everyone to share this article as a warning. While we can’t prevent you from being attacked by the malicious spawn of Abaddon the Lawless, Son of Perdition, Serpent of Old and Ruler of Darkness…we can encourage you to improve your odds of survival by buying a Jeep.

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