Here at The Lemon, we believe in three things: opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve; long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days; and that every vehicle should be judged solely by its merits. We hold ourselves to the highest automotive standards, and while other news outlets within the lamestream media heap praise onto garbage vehicles as they follow the siren song of hefty advertising contacts from the auto industry, we choose instead to provide you with the truth about every car, truck, and SUV on the road.
This is something we know you’ve come to count on from us, and we’ll work tirelessly, relentlessly, to continue providing you with the kind of forthright and meaningful content you expect. As such, we feel it only right to hold aloft a truly remarkable piece of machinery as it represents everything we stand for. We cannot imagine a vehicle that so perfectly embodies the spirit of The Lemon and everything we represent than the 2023 Jeep Renegade, our SUV of the day for the week this month.
Way #1 – An Engine that Brings a Tear to Your Eye
There’s a simple rule in the auto industry; it’s the first thing they teach you when you go to college to become a car journalist. It’s this: judge every vehicle by its engine, nothing more or less. And boy howdy, does the Renegade earn its lemon status with its 1.3L Turbo I-4 engine with 177 hp and 210 lb-ft of torque. You might not expect much from a subcompact crossover model, but you should expect something that runs on more than dust, the dying embers of humanity’s future, and a deep, bitter yearning for better times in your life. Press the pedal, feel the power of this engine, and experience something akin to a shot of lemon juice right in the eye – you’ll love it, believe you me.
Way #2 – Interior Space that Redefines Luxury
Looking for a subcompact model that offers surprising space inside to enjoy? Then I suggest pretty much anything else because the Renegade ain’t it (as the kids say). Just over 18 cu.ft. in the rear and cramped seating that makes you wonder where things went so wrong – that’s assuming you’re up front. Stuck in the back, you’ll quickly lose the ability to think rationally as your knees turn to jelly amidst the intense pressures of such lacking legroom. The Renegade really redefines luxury, by which I mean, if you believe Jeep, then luxury is defined as “Soul-crushing features and appointments designed to ensure you regret all of your life choices.”
Way #3 – Towing that Proves we Live in an Uncaring Universe
Go to Jeep’s page for the 2023 Renegade – do it, I dare you! Know what you’ll find up top, right alongside them bragging about the 177 hp and fuel economy that certainly is a numerical value? Another spec: 2,000 lbs of maximum towing. Take a moment to think about that and really absorb it, go on, I’ll wait.
That’s the best the Jeep Renegade can do: bragging about 2,000 lbs of maximum towing capacity as it coughs out a meager 177 hp. Honestly, I can’t think of anything worse than that. Actually – have you ever opened a package of raw meat only to discover that it wasn’t sealed properly, and you can see that gray-green color all along its slimy, viscous exterior? You know that rotten meat smell that hits you, and you can almost chew on it? That’s about the only thing worse than making a car so bad that you have to brag about 177 hp and 2,000 lbs of towing.
The 2023 Jeep Renegade, it’s better than spoiled meat. There’s your new ad campaign, Stellantis; I’ll expect my check in the mail.
Editor’s Note: We’re concerned this author has been unfair about some of the Jeep Renegade’s finer features. True, it might not have the most powerful engine or an incredibly luxurious interior, but it’s also a very budget-friendly model. The 2023 model starts at just [checks notes] more than $31,000!? Are you kidding me? Never mind, burn it down; burn it all down. We’re done here – I’m going to go drink some tea and read a book because some idiots will still buy this thing, and our efforts are pointless. Thank you.