Fast car = small penis. How’s that for an attention-grabbing opening line? My editor has been riding me lately about how I start so many of my articles with, “Rambling nonsense that makes yourself sound smarter than everyone else,” and how I, “Don’t work here anymore, stop sending us assignments. Please, for the love of god!” So here you go Kurtis, hope you’re happy now!
Recently, a study was conducted to try to determine if there’s any sort of connection between a man’s sense of self-confidence regarding the size of his peen and his desire for a sports car, and the results confirmed what we all already knew. People say that institutions of higher learning aren’t doing anything to help the lives of common folks, but this study was conducted by the Department of Experimental Psychology at University College London, and I can’t think of a better use of scholarly time. This is the kind of stuff people need to know about!
To try to keep things as impartial as possible, researchers set up a fairly straightforward experiment. They brought in male test subjects and provided them with seemingly random facts, and then asked them to say how much they would like to have a variety of different products. These subjects were told that the study was “investigating how people multitask online, doing their shopping and browsing the internet simultaneously.” Good cover.
Within these random facts was buried one of two versions of a “fact” about penis size: the “small penis condition” (their words, not mine) stated that the average penis size is 18cm (or about 7 inches), while the “large penis condition” stated that average penis size is 10cm (about 4 inches). For the record, the average length of an erect penis is about 13cm (or just over 5 inches) – so you can see they were providing information that would make average men think they either have a small penis (small penis condition) or a larger-than-average penis (large penis condition). The subjects would then rate the desirability of a sports car.
The results of this experiment showed, “men who thought they had a relatively small penis rated the sports cars higher [more desirable].” The evidence was also stronger for men the older they were, with little evidence for men up to 29 years of age and greater evidence for men above the age of 30. They looked at similar data with regard to overall self-esteem for the men in the study and any detectable increase in desire for a sports car; they “found no evidence that ratings were affected by self-esteem overall.”
In other words, these results for an increased desire for a sports car were ONLY connected to a sense of having a smaller-than-average penis. You could argue that this is merely an instance of correlation, and we all know that correlation is not causation. That’s true, of course, but it does bring up some interesting questions, and they’re already planning future experiments to try to better understand why the link seems to be uniquely tied to penis size and sports cars.
All of this being said, one thing is clear: having a small penis is the sole driving factor in men wanting sports cars and is the absolute cause for purchasing such a vehicle. We now know, from a single study, that this is a universal truth and utterly irrefutable. If you see a man driving a sports car, then you know – with certainty – that he has a paltry penis. Just a tiny little todger, really a minuscule member… a nibbling of a nob… a junior, not a jumbo.
On the other hand, if you should see a man driving something like a… oh, I don’t know… 1992 Toyota Corolla because that’s all he can afford with the meager earnings he has left after spending all of his auto-journalist money on booze and caffeine pills, then you know he must be miraculously endowed. This theoretical person, we’ll call him Flufforfjord Von Fjordboddum, likely had to buy that car because he spent all of his savings on penis reduction surgery. And even still, even still, he’s encumbered with a shillelagh roughly the size and girth of a burrito from Chipotle in the mid-2000s (not one of those lame burritos they sell now, one of the monsters from the good old days). Just sayin’ ladies.
Editor’s Note: We can confirm that the quotes provided at the beginning of this piece are accurate and from members of our staff. We’d also like to mention that “Jumbo” was the nickname that former President Lyndon B. Johnson gave to his penis, of which he was incredibly proud, frequently showing it off to members of his White House staff. No seriously, look it up, it’s a matter of historical record. Thank you.