Friends, as you know, it’s Independence Day, the Fourth of July, when Jesus Christ delivered the Declaration of Independence to America some 247 years ago! Ever since that sacred event, true and real patriotic Americans have been celebrating the only ways that are proper: cooking and eating outdoors, shooting guns, blowing shit up, and buying cars! If you don’t buy a car, SUV, or (preferably) a truck this July 4th, then you’re a goddamn communist coward and a traitor—so you better just think about that.
Fortunately, America’s fine and patriotic car manufacturers understand what really matters on this glorious and holy day, so they create special editions and models just for a proper celebration. These are the vehicles that you should prioritize buying in order to show Republican Jesus that you honor and believe in the tenets of patriotism, freedom, and strength. Otherwise, you can just swim back to Cuba, Comrade Yellowbelly!
The Jeep Wrangler Internment Edition
This year, to honor the brave men and women who volunteered to serve America in its greatest time of need, Jeep is releasing an all-new Internment Edition for the legendary Wrangler. This model will have images of the proud patriotic citizens who served the country by spending time during World War II in American concen– I mean internment camps. Yes, the exciting new Internment Edition will feature the names and familiar faces of Japanese-American heroes, along with others who spent time in these camps, such as people of Japanese descent, Americans whose families came from Japan, and those people who were deemed “Japanese enough” to serve on the frontlines of America’s war against itself.
The Ford F-150 Henry Ford Tribute Model
As you know, Henry Ford was a true American innovator, hero, and force for social justice who not only created the auto industry but also ensured his workers earned just enough to not quit but not enough to live too comfortably. We all know about the proliferation of the assembly line, but what about Ford’s other notable accomplishments? Such as how he kept his factories segregated, aggressively fought against labor unions, and how he would frequently referred to them as being part of a larger Jewish global conspiracy.
This year, Ford Motor Company is celebrating its beloved pioneer and namesake with a new Henry Ford Tribute model of the ever-popular Ford F-150. For starters, it features a stunning portrait of Henry Ford on the hood—the same portrait of him that Adolph Hitler kept in his office; I’ll remind you that Ford was the only American that Hitler mentioned and complimented by name in Mein Kampf. In addition to this portrait, a number of famous Henry Ford quotes are etched into the body of the special F-150 and stitched into its luxurious, synthetic seating. These are quotes from his popular weekly series called “The International Jew: The World’s Problem,” which he began publishing in 1920. Yes, this is indeed an American icon we can all be proud of.
The Ram 1500 Built to Serve Edition
What could be more meaningful than a truck designed to celebrate and honor the brave men and women who serve in America’s armed forces? This year, Ram is expanding its popular Built to Serve series of special editions with a new lineup designed to really pay tribute to the American armed forces. Along with the gorgeous black American Flag badging typically found on these models, the new editions will also feature battlefield photographs of the mutilated corpses of soldiers as the custom background on the truck’s Infotainment display and driver gauge screen. Not only that, but all safety warning sounds feature custom screams of dying men, women, and children, to ensure drivers are aware of these alerts.
There’s never been a better time to check out Ram’s not-at-all-jingoist-or-opportunistic take on patriotism with the increasingly-iconic Built to Serve vehicles. Not only does this allow a multinational corporation to cash in on human pain and suffering, but it also provides them with a way to further develop their blatant appeal to emotions in advertising. Best of all, this year, Ram is instructing dealerships to offer $500 off the purchase of a Ram truck for every limb a veteran is missing when they come into the dealership—particularly fortunate servicemen and women can roll onto a lot and save up to $2,000 on a new Ram truck. Well worth the sacrifice!
Editor’s Note: We’d like to remind our readers that Henry Ford was an absolute monster who shouldn’t be idolized or held up as a great businessman by anyone with anything remotely resembling empathy or decency. According to one report, when Ford was shown newsreel footage of Nazi concentration camps and the atrocities that his kind of vile anti-Semitism had birthed, he had a stroke and collapsed, which may have contributed to his death. Being proud of your country’s potential and hoping for it to be better is the foundation of patriotism—we can certainly do better in choosing our automotive icons. Thank you.