In the auto industry, there is nothing quite like the remarkable freedom afforded by the Jeep Wrangler. Ford would like to pretend that the Bronco provides some stiff competition, but really, it’s not even close. Whether you’re planning on heading to your nearest Jeep Wrangler dealer, or you’re just sitting in the waiting room of your doctor’s office and killing time while reading bullshit on your phone, I’m here to help. The beauty of the Jeep Wrangler is that you can tackle anything you can imagine, from the most challenging off-road trail to the near-constant line found at your local In-N-Out Burger.
No matter what sort of adventure you’re up for, one of the most important aspects of any journey is the planning stage where you figure out what you need to know. As such, I’m going to take you through three of my favorite trails that are absolutely perfect for a Wrangler and most of the drivers who choose it. Best of all, these trails are fantastic options no matter what your level of off-road experience or driving skill. So whether you’re an old hand at leaving polite civilization behind, or this is your first time enjoying everything the Wrangler has to offer, you’ll find something here to enjoy.
Trail #1: The Parking Lot at Scottsdale Fashion Square
Let’s be honest. You’re not going to go off-road or visit any fancy trails in your Jeep Wrangler. If you’re reading this, then you’re 100% a mall crawler, and you deserve to feel like the scum that you absolutely are. Since you’re only going to be using your Wrangler to drive around malls, you might as well choose a good one, and I can’t think of one better than this.
Located in fabulous Scottsdale, Arizona, the Scottsdale Fashion Square is one of the most prestigious and popular malls in the country. At least, it was 20 years ago. I don’t know if it still is, and I can’t be bothered to do any research on the subject. At one time, however, it was the second-biggest attraction in Arizona, just after the goddamn Grand Canyon! So it’s good enough for you and the ginormous off-road tires you bought for your spiffy beadlock-capable wheels.
Trail #2: I-90 Between Any Two Cities
If you really want to hit the road and see what your Jeep Wrangler can do, then simply pull up a map on your phone and look at Interstate 90. This glorious stretch of interstate highway runs pretty much from east to west across the entirety of the northern United States, connecting hundreds of towns and cities. Pick any two—this is easiest if one of them is where you already are, but I don’t really care—and drive I-90 between them. That’s about the most adventure you’ve probably ever planned for your Jeep anyways, and the vast expanse of I-90 will really let you feel the dreadful suspension, wretched handling, and, of course, the death wobble that the Wrangler is so renowned for.
Trail #3: Turner’s Auto Wrecking, Fresno, CA
While I’m certainly a fan of Scottsdale Fashion Square, and a long road trip can be deeply enjoyable, if you really want to get the most from your Jeep Wrangler then this is the trail for you. Found in Fresno, California, Turner’s Auto Wrecking is one of the biggest junk yards in America, and the perfect destination for your Jeep. I don’t care if you’re driving a brand-new model fresh from the dealer, or an old beast with 100,000 miles on it (though let’s be real, that’s pretty unlikely for a Wrangler), this is where your vehicle belongs.
Yes, that’s right, the perfect destination for every Jeep is a junkyard where it can slowly rust and decay, like the waste of raw materials that it is. If knowing that makes you feel bad, then my work here is done. You should feel bad for buying a Wrangler and wasting everyone’s time with an off-road vehicle that you’re not going to use for its intended purpose. And if, by some chance, you actually do want to get the most from your Jeep, then consider hitting up Ouray in Colorado or the Rubicon in California. Maybe you’ll actually feel something for once in your life.
Editor’s Note: If you should happen to head toward Scottsdale Fashion Square, get lost, and stumble upon a Greek Festival, then we strongly suggest you stop there, because it’s going to be better than anything you can find at the mall. Try some of the roast goat, and tell them we sent you!