Three Secrets Chevy Won’t Tell You About the 2023 Traverse

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A red 2023 Chevy Traverse is shown on the highway to hell being held up by a pig with a large shadowy figure in the background.

Friends, as you know, I’m here to peel back the yellowed skin of the auto industry and reveal to you the hidden truths of its steaming innards. I hold myself to the highest standards of journalistic integrity, which means I live to provide you with facts that other so-called journalists are too afraid to tell you about. Take the 2023 Chevy Traverse, for instance—a midsize three-row SUV with plenty of “interesting” features…

You’ll read about all sorts of “interesting” features from other reporters—incentivized swine who overlook the dark and twisted SECRETS that all of us industry insiders know about. They’re too afraid of the consequences to tell you the truth about these things—worried that the shadowy masters behind the scenes at General Motors won’t invite them to the next press conference or will add their names to the ancient List of Whills that records the true identities of sinners for the day that Lord Al’ghazbrrth awakens. I have no such fears, which is why only I am brave enough to tell you the truths that you deserve to know.

Secret #1 – The Actual Cargo Volume

According to Chevrolet, the 2023 Traverse offers a total of 98.2 cu.ft. of cargo volume inside; I’m here to tell you this is an absolute lie. To start off, let’s look at what they’re claiming for this vehicle… Chevy says that the Traverse has 23 cu.ft. of rear cargo space, with 57.8 cu.ft. of cargo volume behind the second row of seats, and then 98.2 cu.ft. of total space—as I said—but from what I’ve seen, this math just doesn’t add up.

For starters, 57.8 plus 23 equals 80.8, right? Yet Chevy says there’s 98.2 cu.ft. not 80.8. Where are those extra 17.4 cu.ft. coming from? The simple answer is that it’s the room added when accounting for the space between the front seats and the second row, but the simple answer is never the correct one! In reality, the Chevy Traverse has 103.7 cu.ft. of total cargo volume, but 5.5 cu.ft. of that space is used by Chevy’s new camera system and advanced spy software. They’re always watching you in the Traverse, tracking your every movement, word, and thought for the growing database of human behavior they’re creating so they can better control us once their semi-autonomous cars become FULLY autonomous!

Secret #2 – Hidden Safety Features

Chevrolet is quick to brag about the Chevy Safety Assist package of safety technology that comes standard on every Traverse, but they’re much shyer about the extra features that they DON’T want to talk about. You already know, I’m sure, that every Traverse model comes with a Forward Collision Alert with Automatic Emergency Braking, along with Front Pedestrian Braking and a Following Distance Indicator. Similarly, I’m sure you’ve heard Chevy brag about the fact that you get Lane Keep Assist with a Lane Departure Warning in every Traverse model—but what about the hidden features?

Did you know that every Chevy Traverse comes with an Automatic Hog Warning that alerts you if a pig unexpectedly rises up in the middle of the road? It must, as there’s no other explanation for why I keep hearing a voice shout “Pig!” at me—and in the screeching voices of several of my ex-girlfriends, no less, whenever I drive by their houses.

Secret #3 – The “Into the Void” Edition

Chevy loves to brag about their Midnight Edition for the Traverse, which comes with 18-inch gloss black-painted wheels, black center caps, and black bowtie emblems. It also features a black grille, front and rear black Chevrolet bowtie emblems, and other similarly unique details in black coloration. If you know who to ask, however, then you can order a 2023 Traverse in a limited “Into the Void” Special Edition, which comes with a Vantablack exterior.

This renders the Traverse essentially invisible when you drive at night. In fact, other drivers looking at your vehicle are likely to be so stunned by the absence of light and color on the road that they’ll vomit and pass out in their own sick.

The “Into the Void” Edition also features a special Vantablack upholstery and similar details, so driving and riding inside feels like slipping slowly into an impossibly hungry abyss. Your surroundings will become lost the longer you try to look for them until you begin to question whether you even exist at all or if you’re simply a collection of thoughts gathered for a single, unfortunate moment yet to be scattered across the cold emptiness of space. This is the perfect expression of modern automotive design and engineering.

Editor’s Note: We would like to assure you that you do, in fact, exist, and the preceding argument was invalid. Any similarity to delusions you may otherwise experience is entirely coincidental. If you’d like to gain additional affirmation of your reality, please hang up and try again. Thank you.

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