Russia’s Loss is America’s Gain as Traffic Becomes Less of a Hassle

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A used SUV for sale near you, a grey Chevy Equinox, is shown equipped with a Raytheon missile launcher.

There’s a lot of excitement regarding the upcoming 2023 model year. Many of the different brands that are scattered across the entire scope of the industry are attempting to one-up one another as the spirit of competition is at its absolute strongest. A recent chain of events in the form of a new announcement from GM might lead many to only buy its SUVs in the upcoming year. Before you think, “is there a used SUV for sale near me?” you should first ask yourself how long you want to live because if things unfold how GM wants them to, it will be the only brand available. How is this possible? It’s really simple. For the 2023 model year, all GM SUVs will be equipped with anti-tank missiles in order to hold a considerable edge over the various brands it is competing against.

It was long rumored that GM and Raytheon Technologies, the company responsible for manufacturing many of the weapons used by the armed services, were in talks with one another. “It’s a win-win partnership,” said George Carlyle, a spokesman for Raytheon Technologies. “We have a new lucrative contract, and we’re proud to be doing business with GM, the company that exemplifies the three things that make America so great: mom, apple pie, and wars to reap profits at the expense of millions of lives.” The transparency from Raytheon Technologies is telling of many of the controversial events that range from the Invasion of Iraq to the current War in Ukraine.

The weapons that will arm GM’s 2023 fleet of SUVs have been described as a mix of the post-apocalyptic designs from Mad Max and the conventional weapons that many have come to know through video games such as Call of Duty: Modern Warfare. The smaller designs of Chevy’s fleet, such as the Bolt EV and Trailblazer, will be equipped with the popular FGM-148 Javelin missile to combat SUVs of all sizes. Raytheon Technologies claims that all infotainment systems will come integrated with a version of the Command Launch Unit that will be user-friendly, and GM’s Teen Driver program will allow parents to oversee who has launch access, so these weapons aren’t used indiscriminately.

The Equinox, Traverse, and Blazer will all be equipped with the larger BGM-71 TOW family of missile systems, just to ensure that rivals such as Ford and Toyota don’t get too far ahead in the marketplace during the upcoming model year. While these steps by GM have been receiving praise from industry critics for their ingenuity and massive shift in the paradigm, others are not so enthusiastic about GM drivers having access to massive amounts of firepower. Calvin Wendicott, a spokesman for Ford, told us he’s appalled at the levels that GM has decided to stoop to, all so they can get a leg up on the upcoming model year.

To this end, Ford has been rumored to be bringing the Excursion back into production, if, for no other reason, Wendicott claims, then to “level the playing field in terms of providing vehicles that can retaliate with equal and superior firepower.” Ford’s decision might be too late, as the Chevy Tahoe and Suburban are rumored to have capabilities to launch nuclear warheads and other weapons of mass destruction. As for the other brands of GM, there have been definitive confirmations, though many suspect that Cadillac and GMC will feature such options as voice-activated missile command and hands-free targeting. It’s also still unknown whether Buick will have similar features, but many industry insiders have mentioned that the Enclave will come equipped with the capability to deploy landmines.

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