Chapter VI: In Which a Letter Is Received and Answered

A grey 2022 Honda Pilot and a black 2022 Kia Telluride are shown parked next to a glass of wine during a 2022 Honda Pilot vs 2022 Kia Telluride comparison.

As an impartial witness to the machinations and madness of the auto industry, I try not to get directly involved in the lives of the dolorous drivers who so often write to me in the hope of getting answers. Your problems are yours alone, so stop asking me dumb questions! That being said, now and again, a plea comes my way in a manner so remarkable that I cannot help but step down from my throne of gold and onyx, deep within my ivory tower that claws toward the heavens like that of Babel itself, to provide respite. This is one such occasion.

Recently, one of my loyal readers wrote to me asking that I provide a simple comparison between the 2022 Honda Pilot vs 2022 Kia Telluride. Normally, I wouldn’t answer such a call to action, but the specifics in this instance were deeply compelling. As you’re about to see, this is no mere question about horsepower or gas mileage, but a true, human outcry for help in a moment of absolute need!

The Request

Below printed, in entirety, is the message that I received:

Dear Mr. Von Gourdboddum,

I’m a 34-year-old mother of two, and while I love my husband and my dear children, there comes a time every week when I feel like I’m moments away from spending all night screaming at the moon or simply killing them all! Much like any other mom out there, I alleviate this with a weekly meetup with my girlfriends to drink wine, complain, and relax. This has been our ritual since college, and, honestly, without it, I’d be in prison by now.

The problem, however, is that gas prices are now so high that we can’t get together as easily. Going to a bar or meeting up at Bridget’s house is just too expensive! After a month of skipping our wine nights, Carla found herself at 3:30 in the morning awakened by the shouts of her husband, who, it turned out, she was strangling in her sleep. A solution was needed.

Fortunately, we’ve realized we can skip the bar and just get together in each other’s cars for some wine, laughter, and a few tears. We’ve been taking turns with this each week, and my turn to host is coming up, but my current car just won’t cut it, and I need something new. I’ve narrowed down my options to the Honda Pilot or the Kia Telluride, but I can’t decide on which one is right. I asked my husband, but he just started talking about horsepower and payload capacities, so he’s useless. I need a simple answer.

Help me Rutherfjord Von Gourdboddum, you’re my only hope!


Angela Featherbreast

(Dictated, not read)

How could I say no to such a reasonable request? I leaped into action immediately, summoning the full breadth of my knowledge regarding the auto industry, and determined the answer for my new friend. As a true humanitarian, however, I’ve chosen to share it with you, as well.

The Response

My Dear Mrs. Featherbreast,

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for your remarkable and earnest letter. All-too-often the correspondence I receive comes in the form of requests to renew my car’s warranty, or crudely scrawled pornographic images from the local men’s prison. As such, I deeply appreciate your knack for the humble craft of word-smithing, and I have undertaken, with no little effort on my part, to provide you with a sufficient answer to your quandary.

As I see it, you need a vehicle with ample space for yourself and your companions while providing optimal fuel economy to ensure you have the booze money you require. With that in mind, consider the following:

The Honda Pilot provides about 40 inches of headroom throughout, about 41 and 31 inches of legroom from front to back, and around 150 cu.ft. of total passenger volume inside. In addition to this, you get about 18 cu.ft. of rear cargo area for your various wine bottles and accouterments. Finally, the Pilot can get an estimated 20 MPG in the city and 27 MPG on the highway, which should help save on gas.

By comparison, the Kia Telluride has about 39 inches of headroom throughout, between 41 and 31 inches of legroom from the front to back rows, and more than 178 cu.ft. of total passenger volume—that’s significantly more total space than the Honda. You would get about 21 cu.ft. of cargo volume behind the rear seats, giving you more space for your booze and perhaps the occasional sleeping bag full of a child who wouldn’t shut up. In addition, the Kia model gets an estimated 20 MPG in the city and 26 MPG on the highway, quite similar to the Pilot.

Overall, with this information, I’d say they are both acceptable solutions for your problem, though the Telluride gives your friends more room overall. Since the Kia model starts at nearly $5,000 less than Honda’s offering, that may be your best choice – feel free to provide me with any of that difference as gratitude for my extensive work.

Mostly Best Regards,

Sir Von Gourdboddum, et al.

I have, as yet, not received further correspondence from this dear reader, though I assume one revealing her deep pleasure with my recommendation is forthcoming. As usual, please refrain from sending me any similar messages unless you also provide the aforementioned crudely scrawled pornography.

Editor’s Note: We would like to remind all of our readers that drinking and driving is a terrible, awful idea, and people definitely didn’t do it all the time in the 1970s, and they survived just fine. Our publication staff, editors, and even this writer take no responsibility for anyone drinking wine while enjoying the impressive fuel economy and powerful V6 engine of the 2022 Honda Pilot. Maybe you drive better after you’ve had a few, that’s none of our business—but remember that you can definitely outrun the cops, so go for it! Thank you.


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