Comparing the 2018 Chevy Camaro vs. 2018 Dodge Challenger is an exercise that is bound to prove challenging on a number of levels. With the former wrangling up to 650 horses, and the latter capable of up to 840 hp (depending on trim) either one offers a hi-po’d driving experience for horsepower junkies. Both cars boast an enthusiastic fan base, historically loyal to each respective automaker. Each has been reimagined for a new generation of enthusiasts, with both Chevy and Dodge considered largely successful in their efforts. And thus, both are the ideal vehicles for young men and aging man-children desperate to assert their masculinity.
And therein lies the story behind the story.
Thus far, 2018 has presented itself as a battleground, bloodied by the warring of countless conflicting ideologies. One such debate exists over the influence of what leftist feminists call ‘toxic masculinity,’ defined as ‘a narrow and repressive description of manhood, designating manhood as defined by violence, sex, status, and aggression.’
Toxic masculinity has been applied to such broad-stroked concepts as the male-biased ‘patriarchy’ to such micro-facets of manhood as demeanor and interests. Consider for a moment the writings of liberal wunderkind Alex Eunuch-Katz which declare, “All masculinity is toxic masculinity. There are no exceptions and never have been since the dawn of time. Men wage wars. Men kill. Men rape. Then we factor in the Euro-Christian faction of masculinity and see the true horror of toxic masculinity. White men drive muscle cars, looking to bolster their phallus with horsepower. White men listen to AC/DC, looking to compare who has the biggest balls.”
While Eunuch-Katz was not writing specifically in regard to the Camaro or Challenger, it becomes difficult not to observe the correlation. We reached out to both General Motors and Fiat-Chrysler of America in the hopes that they would share their perspective. Neither would comment directly, but a GM press liaison did share, “If, hypothetically, we were comparing ball size, I doubt that General Motors would be too concerned.” Upon hearing this, his FCA counterpart laughed stating, “GM said what? Listen we’re glad to put our money where our mouth is and prove, once and for all, who’s got the biggest balls of them all.”
But, as noted above, the feminist’s indictment places more than just the two automakers within the proverbial crosshairs. Standing between them is iconic rock band AC/DC, and the surviving members of the band are taking a decisive stance to protect and preserve masculinity.
“There’s nothing offensive about AC/DC’s music,” claims the band’s PR rep. “Songs like ‘Let Me Put My Love Into You’ and ‘Beating Around the Bush’ are simply poetic interpretations of consensual intimacy. Set to Angus Young’s ripping guitar work and the ever-recognizable ‘doom-pah doom-pah’ drumbeat that brands the band’s music so decisively, AC/DC embodies an era of rock and roll which lives on through it.”
“And if GM and FCA want to measure balls to silence PC culture, we stand behind their right to do so. But let it be known, that AC/DC has never interpreted “balls” to be a rigid, masculine term. As far as the band is concerned, everyone has balls. They even wrote a song about it! Just listen to the lyrics: HE’s got big balls, and SHE’s big balls.”
“But AC/DC?”, he continues. “They’ve got the biggest balls of them all.”
Following the release of that statement, Alex Eunuch-Katz filed a police report that rabid AC/DC fans had set themselves up outside of her Greenwich Village apartment, blasting ‘Big Balls’ on repeat. She is now seeking psychiatric aid, unable to expunge a repetitive ‘doom-pah, doom-pah’ drum beat from her head.
As for the Camaro and Challenger…who do YOU think has the biggest balls of them all?
