It’s a tale as old as time. No…we’re not talking about ‘Beauty and the Beast’, you strung-out Disney+ junkie; we’re talking about the battle for supremacy in the truck segment (pffffft…idiot). But 2019 was a game-changing year for trucks. RAM managed to unseat Chevy to gain the #2 spot. GMC created the first-ever common-sense tailgate. Tesla, Rivian, and Ford started talking electrification. The Honda Ridgeline finally claimed its crown as the “Highest Ranked Pickup” but only by my gay Uncle Gary. But if you’re already looking to the new year, comparing the 2020 Chevy Silverado vs 2020 Toyota Tundra, we’re here to help…and so (it appears) is Santa Claus.
Okay, in all fairness, we’re not sure it’s actually Santa Claus that we’re supposed to credit. We have no definitive proof that it’s the mystical holiday icon known as ‘Father Christmas,’ ‘St. Nick,’ ‘Kris Kringle,’ or ‘Fett Bævel med den Silkeaktige Sekken’ (Fat Bastard with the Silky Sack) who’s currently man-spreading in the waiting area of our Detroit offices, jingle bells just swinging in the wind. But for a bearded, soot-covered stranger, he seems jolly, so we’re kind of inclined to believe him. In fact, we’re going to go ahead and refer to him as Santa, which brings us to our point: why the Toyota Tundra is about to shake things up further by moving the #2 spot further away from Chevy in what might be the biggest upset ever.
“All year long, I keep a list of who’s naughty and who’s nice,” explains Santa, festively scratching what we can only assume to be either (a) frostbitten cheeks, or (b) meth scabs. “And when it comes to the naughty list, nobody’s been worse than General Motors.”
Now, we’re hardly in the business of questioning Santa Claus – but the chances of us doing so are even less when he’s pantless, and holding us captive with a broken umbrella. That said, we encouraged him to continue with his point.
“Those execs over at GM don’t care about anyone, or anything but the almighty dollar. I see them when they’re sleeping; I know when they’re awake. I sniff their office chairs whenever I get a chance, and the only thing they’re getting in their stocking this year is a fresh and juicy Cleveland Steamer from yours truly.”
That’s when we asked him why he was in our office. He explained that he needed to use the reach and influence of The Lemon to help his message for the new decade to go viral. Needless to say, we were surprised that our 47 readers could have such an impact, but – like we said – who are we to argue with Santa? Even if he smells like Funyons and urine, with the subtle hint of urine-soaked Funyons?
He then went on to share how the various atrocities committed by General Motors, and why we needed to speak with our dollars. He then went on to praise the Toyota Tundra, recommending that prospective truck buyers consider the 2020 Tundra while warning us that “the shadow government is using the Disney+ streaming surface to spy on us, and distribute methamphetamines through an underground network of elementary school trafficking.”
Which brings the conversation full-circle. GM: Bad. Toyota: Good. Santa: Urine & Funyons. Disney+: Gateway Drug. If you don’t want your kids to grow up, strung out on meth, picking scabs off their faces while they sift through your wallet after “stopping by to say hi” at 1:45 in the morning, just say “no” to the House of Mouse and buy Toyota.
Merry Christmas.
