For those of you douche bags looking to recreate those absurd holiday commercials where couples inexplicably surprise one another on Christmas morning with a gift-wrapped car, truck, or SUV: f*ck you. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, good luck with your ridiculous Christmas plans to elevate the definition of ‘festive’ to heretofore unforeseen heights. But for those of you secret Santas whose truck-loving significant others are comparing the 2020 Ford F-150 vs 2020 Nissan Titan, you might want to choose carefully.
Of course, everyone knows that Ford CEO Jim Hackett lives in a cave with his dog, and is well known for having attempted to steal Christmas from the unsuspecting village that his cave overlooks. And while that may not be a dealbreaker for Ford loyalists, it may be a turnoff for the rest of you. But what’s Nissan like at the holidays?
When it comes to executive leadership, Nissan has had a rough go of it lately. You may recall the plight of disgraced former CEO Carlos Ghosn, charged with fraud for misreporting his salary. Ghosn was succeeded by Hiroto Saikawa, who kept the CEO seat warm until submitting his resignation back in September. Then, Nissan’s Chief Operating Officer Yasuhiro Yamauchi stepped in to take lead until the company’s nomination committee was able to appoint a permanent successor.
Enter Makoto Uchida, named as Nissan’s CEO back in October, and poised to step into his new role just in time for the holidays. As one would expect, Uchida will have his work cut out for him in righting the Nissan ship after it endured turbulent waters for such a long time. And, while Uchida’s reputation and credentials speak to his capability, rumor has it he’s already feeling weighed down by the burden.
In accordance with Nissan’s policies on corporate transparency, Uchida has been required to undergo preliminary and periodic medical and psychological assessments to ensure his fitness for the role. While he passed the first round with flying colors, the company might be second-guessing their decision based on his December assessments.
According to an anonymous inside source, Uchida’s psychological screenings were comprehensive and included discussion of thoughts, doubts, stresses, fears, and even dreams. It was during this screening process that Uchida revealed his belief that he had recently experienced something best described as ‘supernatural’.
The following excerpt, taken directly from the transcripts of Uchida’s screening, recounts his alleged supernatural experience. Please note (i) it has been translated from Japanese to the best of our ability, and (ii) we don’t speak Japanese, so, if it’s wrong, blame Google Translate.
“I was returning home one night, climbing the stairs and approaching my front door in the darkness when I noticed that the decorative door knocker – without undergoing any intermediate process of change – had taken on the likeness of Carlos Ghosn.”
We spoke to Dr. Hayao Kitaoka, Nissan’s chief wellness officer, who facilitated Uchida’s evaluations first-hand. “While I have voiced some concern, I did not find Mr. Uchida’s story to be troubling…at least not initially,” Kitaoka said. “Our review process can be stressful, and it’s not uncommon for stressed individuals to be fooled by their senses. But then, he started talking about the ghosts…
“I saw Carlos Ghosn once more that night, or at least his ghost,” Kitaoka continued. “The same face. His suit, his shoes, the hair upon his head. But he was bound by heavy chains that were wrapped around his middle, and dragged behind him on my floor. He told me that, that night, I would be haunted by Three CEOs.
“Carlos Ghosn isn’t dead, to begin with,” the doctor explained. “There is no doubt whatever about that. There is no register of his burial by a clergyman, clerk, undertaker, or witness, which brings me back to the point I started from. There is no doubt that Ghosn isn’t dead. This must be distinctly understood. He then went on to share that he was visited by Hiroto Saikawa, who identified himself as the CEO of Nissan Past, Yasuhiro Yamauchi, who revealed himself as the CEO of Nissan Present, and a skeletal, hooded creature who Uchida presumed to be the CEO of Nissan Yet-to-Come.”
The Lemon had difficulty translating and fact-checking Uchida’s claim that the encounter was meant to show him the true meaning of Nissan. And while we have no interest in attempting to discredit his story, we’re pretty sure it wasn’t the CEO of Nissan Yet-to-Come. We suspect it was actually ‘Death,’ and that if Uchida doesn’t make things work at Nissan, the Yakuza crime syndicate will be coming for him.
Just a theory, though. Merry f*cking Christmas.
