plate of crispy beef tacos with guacamole and cheese dip

Cultural appropriation, not only is it a widely-discussed topic in these sensitive times of social unrest, but it’s something that we’re all somewhat guilty of. Even those of us with the most open of hearts and minds have been guilty of getting black-out drunk on St. Patricks Day, cheered for a sports team whose mascot is based on a Native American stereotype, or have bought/downloaded “Ice, Ice Baby” at one time of another. But ‘Cinco de Mayo’ remains one day, that has yet to be ruled “off limits” by the ever-vigilant league of social justice warriors.

In Mexico (or ‘Mejico’) the fifth of May is a time to observe the French military’s unlikely defeat at the Battle of Puebla, at the hands of General Ignacio Zaragoza’s Mexican (or ‘Mejican’) army in 1862. Americans, of course, tend to disregard the historical reason for the celebration, preferring to cut out of the office early heading for the nearest margarita bar.

But in 2018, Cinco de Mayo falls on a Saturday, meaning that the cultural shit-show would inevitably be worse than in other years. In the weeks and months leading up to Cinco de Mayo, bars and restaurants will have planned major events to capitalize on what has become an American drinking holiday. But they’re not the only ones.

As a Hyundai Dealership Charlotte-based ‘Puebla Hyundai’ had planned a major sale, akin to a President’s Day event, for Cinco de Mayo. It should be noted, however, that the owners of ‘Puebla Hyundai’ are none other than Sara Zaragoza and her wife, Jen Eral-Zaragoza, the former of which is the direct descendant of the famous Mexican war hero.

“Being so proud of my heritage,” explained Sara Zaragoza. “I decided to host an event that made this very special day so much more than just a drunkfest for repressed soccer moms.”

“And if you are a repressed soccer mom,” added Jen Zaragoza. “ Why not consider the accessibly priced Hyundai Tucson, or treat yourself to the versatile Santa Fe?” Facing a rolled eye stare-down from her wife, Mrs. Eral-Zaragoza added. “What? Those are southwestern-y names!”

It was at this point during the interview, when we were approached by a raging trainwreck of a woman best described as ‘meth-head Long Island Medium with a hint of George Lopez.’ Flanked by an effeminate young Latino man, and what seemed to be Urban Outfitter Instagram models too distracted by their phones to look up, the woman began to scream.

“You are trivializing a sacred Mexican holiday, with this disgusting attempt to sell your environment-killing filth!”

Mrs. Zaragoza maintained her cool with ease, in the face of the verbal attack. “ Ma’am, I’m a Latina, and General Zaragoza was my great, great, great, great, great grandfather. Our plan is to do right by Cinco de Mayo, Plus, Hyundais offer some of the highest mpg ratings when compared against their competitors.”

The woman raged on, “Hyundai should be ashamed! With names like the Elantra, the Sonata, the Azera. I mean, those clearly sound Spanish!”

“Ma’am. First, Cinco de Mayo is a Mexican holiday, not a Spanish one. The word ‘Elantra; is a derivative of ‘elation’ meaning to lift one’s soul. Sonata is an Italian word for a piece of instrumental music, while ‘Azera’ is another Italian word to describe a beautiful woman of certain middle-eastern descent.”

“Well, I’m triggered!” the protestor screamed. “Typical move by the patriarchy: stealing words from other cultures. Words that might make good baby names for inner-city youth! Why am I not surprised, considering that you actually sell a car called an ‘Accent’?!”

The woman’s ravings continued until the police arrived, handcuffed her and threw her into the back of their police cruiser. Her fellow protestors chose to linger, taking selfies in front of a Veloster which were quickly uploaded to Instagram captioned #socute.

We encourage you to visit Puebla Hyundai on Saturday, May 5th for their Cinco de Mayo sale!


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