Perform an online search comparing the 2018 Chevy Equinox vs 2018 GMC Terrain, and you’re bound to see some new voices being added to the debate. In fact, if you’ve logged into Social Media you might have already received an invite, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

These days you don’t even need to venture outside of your Facebook Event notifications to see that some group is gathering somewhere to protest some cause. And while we tend to associate such protesting (peaceful or otherwise) with topics of a political nature, there are countless other gatherings of like-minded individuals united against causes that you may be blissfully ignorant to. All-too-often such individuals are united against what they view as a common threat. Take General Motors, for example, who have recently been targeted by the unholy union of two unlikely bedfellows.

The first of these groups you might be familiar with: the Environmentalists. From marches through city streets to high-powered political action groups, the environmentalist community have tasked themselves with the protection of our planet.

The second group may be less familiar to you (unless you’ve had the opportunity to better understand their private, protective and respectful culture). Commonly mistaken as practitioners of witchcraft in a ‘Disney Meets the Salem Witch Trials’ sort of way, the Wiccan community takes pride in their symbiotic relationship with the energies of all elements, including the earth that lies below our very feet.

Now, it bears clarifying that The Lemon can’t claim to be neutral in the reporting of this story, based on our love of all-things-automotive. That said, our commitment to responsible journalism ensures that we will do our best to be as respectful as possible of all parties involved.

That said, it’s been just over 72 hours since a bunch of dirty hippies and witches began to swarm the area surrounding General Motors corporate headquarters in scenic Detroit, Michigan.  Assuming the protest to be environmentally driven, at first, GM CEO Mary Barra released the following statement:

“As has been proven time and time again, the commitment that we at General Motors have made to protect our shared environment through conscientious design and responsible manufacturing stands as a cornerstone of everything that we do, and everything that we are.”

Unfortunately, the statement was only pertinent to half of the unruly mob; the half which was present to lobby for further improvement on EPA ratings for General Motors crossover and SUV offerings. This, of course, left the Wiccan protestors who were there for an entirely different reason, as explained by protestor (and craftsman of flammable papier-mâché effigies) Raven Moone-Clawe, who read the following statement from her iPhone X.

“Today, we take a stand for our Earth-Mother Gaia, and all of the energies of this fragile-yet-furious world that we are so fortunate to call ‘home’. While there will someday be a reckoning

for the automotive industry as retribution for their continued abuse of our natural resources, that day is not today. Today, we stand against Terran-Appropriation. We stand against the theft of that which no man has the right to take. We demand that the patriarchal powers-that-be at General Motors and Chevrolet rename the GMC Terrain and the Chevy Equinox, returning the power of a name to the earth mother herself. They will no longer extort the cosmic transfer of power that occurs when the sun crosses the celestial equator. No more will they rob the soil itself of its identity. Down with the Chevy Equinox! Down with the GMC Terrain!”

In a public response, Mary Barra replied, “Wait. Patriarchy? I’m the female CEO of a global leader in the automotive industry.” She then commissioned GM’s landscaping team to drive the protestors from the premises, using three dozen leaf blowers.

“We had to do something about the overwhelming smell of patchouli, “ explained Ms. Barra. “You want to talk about something that’s no good for the planet? Nobody wins with patchouli. Frankly, it was a last resort. We tried to bribe them with a general donation of ‘schwag’ from Gillette, but there just didn’t seem to be a lot of shaving going on in that crowd. There were, however, a lot of naked people painted bright red and engaging in various acts of intimacy.”

At this time, there have been no reports of vengeful action by the Wiccan community. There has also been no indication that the group was targeting any other automakers who had abused their connection to the earth, or its primal energies. However, owners of the Honda Element should probably proceed with caution (especially if someone starts making a tiny doll in their likeness). Just sayin’…


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