DETROIT, MI – It’s another year for GM. Production is rolling along as many look forward to the newest offerings from Buick, GMC, and Cadillac. Others, meanwhile, are enthusiastic about Chevy.
In an age where the economy tends towards unpredictability, it’s time to take the shortcomings that have plagued the bowtie brand and use them to your advantage. The 2023 Chevy Silverado 2500 HD—a vehicle that is far more interesting to type out than to actually own—is set to return to dealerships nationwide, barely updated and still worse than the Ford F-250.
As expected, this will be another year of the most expensive paperweight ever built. That said, owning a vehicle like a Silverado 2500 will allow you to rack up tremendous debt and use the economic hardships to your advantage—and get free food while you’re at it. This is the ultimate life hack, and we’re here to go over how it’s done…
Bad Engines, Great Opportunity
Chevy likes to think of itself as a company that adheres to the growing changes in consumer needs—and they’ve gotten good at lying to themselves. After all, they’ve been at it for over a century. Once again, the bowtie brand turns out to be the most awkward guest at the wedding reception. You know, that one who thinks a blender is a perfect gift for a pair of newlyweds.
Once again, Chevy offers two engines that are only attractive to those accustomed to sedans. The gasoline-powered V8 gets terrible gas mileage and doesn’t tow as much as the competition. Of course, there’s also the Duramax turbo-diesel—further proof that Chevy still hasn’t realized that diesel has been out of vogue since pet rocks and bellbottoms.
Terrible gas mileage means spending more on fuel and less on your kids’ college education. It is encouraged that you provide bank statements to Federal Student Aid, an office of the US Department of Education, proving you’re unequipped to manage your finances and you’re poor as a result; this may help your children qualify for student loans and financial aid once it’s time for them to go off to college—so long as all those diesel and leaded gas fumes haven’t turn your kids’ brains into soft pudding.
With your saving depleted and your credit cards maxed out, you can capitalize on this financial hardship further with different kinds of loans…
Take It to the Limit (Of What Your Spouse Will Let You Do to Their Credit)
The most favorable loan terms are given to those with great credit scores or massive savings accounts. You’re not a bajillionaire, and we’ve already purposefully sunk your credit by buying a Silverado 2500 we can’t pay off (because we didn’t actually need it for work, since we work in an office setting; we just wanted it because we like to impose ourselves on the streets, because it makes us feel tough, and our dad hit us when we were kids so now we want other people to feel constantly threatened the way we were). But now we can take it even FURTHER.
What they don’t tell you is that credit on the OPPOSITE end of the spectrum will get you just as flexible of loan terms—only, they come with caveats. Predatory lenders will be more willing to provide adjustable-rate mortgages to people with bad credit because the interest rates are AMAZING for the first few months. You’ll get to live like a king for up to a year and a half, at most, before that window slams shut; you’ll get priced out of your own house, which you can no longer afford even a fraction of; it’ll go into foreclosure and your family will have to downsize to what all can fit inside a car—and since you only have that Silverado, you’ll probably be limited to the spouse and ONE of your kids, and anything you three own will have to go in the truck bed…so let’s hope it’s waterproof!
And THEN you can apply for food stamps, wherein the government will give you FREE VOUCHERS for you to cash in at grocery stores to get just enough food for you [three] to survive on, for one month at a time! And, again, it’s FREE food!
Victory!
