DETROIT, MICHIGAN – What’s good, my dudes. I figured I’d introduce myself before I share some cool car news from my uncle. My name is Brogan McHenry. I’m an 11th grader at Mumford High School and I love three things: chicks, cars, and lacrosse. I hold a team-record for chugging three beers at a party last weekend, and that came after I smoked a quarter-gram of weed to my face. If you can’t tell, I’m pretty popular, and I’m in tune to most-things Detroit. That’s why The Lemon recently hired me as their newest intern.
Although, for my first story for the site, I actually don’t have a scoop from my sources within the Detroit public-zoned high school system. Instead, this most recent source comes from my uncle himself: Jerry McHenry. Don’t recognize the name? Well, that’s probably because you don’t know shit. Uncle Jerry is a customer service representative at Buick. There aren’t too many people who are more tuned in to the company. Of course, he never tells me anything… except when I saw him on Christmas. After he downed a 12-pack, I started picking his brain.
HERE’S WHAT HE TOLD ME: while people are focused on competitions like the 2019 Buick Encore vs 2019 Subaru Crosstrek, the brand is actually developing a brand-new SUV that’s being created SPECIFICALLY FOR TEENS.
The vehicle’s going to be called the 2020 Buick GucciDap 6900 and it’s going to contain EVERYTHING WE EVER FUGGIN WANTED FROM A VEHICLE. Assuming your dad’s got a good job or whatever, maybe you’ll have this on your Christmas list next year.
My favorite feature is probably the Juul charger, meaning you can get your nic-fix before and after the school bell. The infotainment system even has a button where you can automatically order more cartridges, and it’s easy to connect your parent’s credit card to the system.
The coolest technology is probably the Fortnite windshield. While you’re driving, your copilot can get silly in battle royale. Thanks to the wireless hotspot, you don’t have to play that shitty single-player mode. Nah fam, your co-pilot can rock out on Loot Lake.
Forget about your co-pilot, though. The 2020 GucciDap 6900 will soon become your top bro thanks to the WingMan feature on the infotainment system. The technology will let you know when your girlfriend is nagging you during her period or something (I still don’t know how that shit works), and it will provide auto-responses that will keep you out of trouble. You at the mall with your bros? The vehicle will automatically send her a timestamped pic of you watching your step dad’s toddlers. You texting some new chick? They’ll show screenshots of you texting your boss or something. Are you smoking a cig behind the dumpster at Denny’s? Well… the system will send a pic of you doing that, because that’s BADASS, my dude.
If you got some cottonmouth after that cig, then no need to worry. The vehicle’s cup holders are actually connected to a keg of Red Bull. All you got to do is connect the included cups, and you’ll instantly have yourself some frothy, cold, delicious liquid cocaine.
Best of all, the vehicle has a whole lot of space in the back… meaning you’ll have more than enough room to get to second base with your date 😉
That’s all I’m going to reveal right now. Check back next month to see if I wrote more about it. Chances are, I’ll probably suffer another lacrosse concussion and forget that I even have this internship… but check in anyway!
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Until next time…STAY WOKE.