Subaru Celebrates the Crosstrek Because No One Else Will

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A green 2023 Subaru Crosstrek is shown from the front at an angle while parked in front of fireworks after leaving a dealer that has a Subaru Crosstrek for sale.

The Subaru Crosstrek is definitely one of the crossover SUVs of all time, and there is no denying that fact. If you’re looking for a Subaru Crosstrek for sale, then you probably already know this, and you have seen that it has features and options available. There’s an engine within the Crosstrek that provides power to its wheels, which it has four of, each one with a tire on it. Now that Subaru has revealed the new 2023 Crosstrek Special Edition, let’s take a look at what makes this SUV the vehicle that it is.

An Engine That Makes You Question Your Life Choices

At the heart of the Crosstrek is the much-vaunted 2.5L direct-injection Subaru Boxer engine that delivers more than 180 hp and over 175 lb-ft of torque. To be specific, it offers 182 hp and 176 lb-ft of torque, which is a quantifiable amount designed to allow the Crosstrek to propel forward and, if rumors are true, even backward. It’s hard to argue with just how much this engine uses an internal combustion system to create energy that is transferred from it to the wheels when someone drives it. Those numbers really speak for themselves and what they say is, “Hey there, we’re intensely underwhelming, and you’ll wish you’d bought something else.”

Generous Use Of “Adventure”

Subaru is happy to talk about how the Crosstrek is a fantastic choice for your next adventure, and that’s certainly being generous. It comes with Symmetrical All-Wheel Drive (AWD) on every model, which is the only thing about this SUV that could possibly trick someone into thinking it’s ready for going off-road or similarly embracing an adventurous lifestyle. Yes, the AWD system helps improve traction in slippery conditions, and that could, theoretically, include going off-road, but why would you?

Subaru even brags about it having 8.7 inches of ground clearance, but have you seen what 8.7 inches actually looks like? It’s not something I’d personally start boasting about. That’s like saying it can clear small pebbles and manage to get you over speed bumps. It’s the kind of ground clearance that is just high enough to make you cocky about what it can do and just low enough to be demolished by the first actual obstacle in the road you come across.

A Spacious Interior To Inflict On Others

They say that misery loves company and the Subaru Crosstrek is here to prove it. The interior is roomy, with up to 121.7 cu.ft. of total volume inside, giving you plenty of room to bring others along so they can be disappointed by your vehicle alongside you. The Crosstrek Sport features “adventure-ready [there’s that word again] StarTex water-repellent upholstery,” which sounds like a fancy way of saying “cheap rubber and plastic” to me. Best of all, it includes “floor mats made from recycled materials,” as though I’ve been looking all my life for a vehicle with floor covering made from my old water bottles. I’d prefer they just give me the water bottles so I could shred them up and choke myself on them like an over-stimulated seagull.

Safety Features To Ensure A Long Life Of Disappointments

But Subaru isn’t about to help you off yourself – in fact; they want to keep you around as long as possible. The safety features on the Crosstrek are like something out of Dr. Kevorkian’s worst feverish nightmares, designed to prolong your life way beyond the point where you have the desire to keep living it. Every model comes standard with Subaru EyeSight Driver Assist Technology that includes things like automatic Pre-Collision Braking and Adaptive Cruise Control. It would seem that Subaru isn’t content to punish you only once for choosing the Crosstrek; they want to ensure you live a long, mundane life filled with endless hours to reflect on what you’ve done and pray for death. But it won’t come… at least not while you’re behind the wheel of the most Crosstrek SUV ever built.

Editor’s Note: This is certainly one of the blogs ever written, and we have edited it properly to ensure that’s the case. Our writer’s work will be long remembered as consisting largely of words and with those words arranged in sentences in order to create paragraphs. Now that you’ve read it, you’ll remember it for a short time before it’s replaced in your brain by a car commercial or simply erased by a night of heavy drinking. Thank you.

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