As we all know, High-Occupancy Vehicle (HOV) lanes are designed to allow vehicles with two or more people in them to have their exclusive use, thereby encouraging folks to carpool together and cut down on the number of cars on the road. Simple enough. Recently, however, a state representative in Texas (named Briscoe Cane because, of course, he is) has proposed a bill that would amend the Texas transportation code to allow pregnant women who are otherwise alone in their vehicle to use the HOV lane. Why? Because this new law would make the state recognize the fetus inside the woman as a person and allow “them” to drive together in the carpool lane. Not content to sit by as Texas leads the way, a number of state legislators across the US have moved quickly to push for similar laws in their own states. Let’s take a look at a few of these…
Arizona’s “Good Morning Drive” Bill
Filed by Arizona State Representative Chuck Bullsky, the so-called “Good Morning Drive” bill would go a step further and change AZ law to assume any woman who has had sex that day is pregnant and can therefore use the HOV lane. According to the wording of the bill, it would require that it be heterosexual intercourse and that the man “unloaded up all inside her without a rubber,” to quote the filing by Representative Bullsky. So far, the proposed change to AZ statutes has already had one alteration: if passed, police officers would be allowed to “inspect” woman drivers to ensure they are “riding dirty,” as the bill says, though no language was included that would require the woman be in the HOV lane or alone, merely that she was guilty of driving.
Florida’s “Loaded Balls” Bill
Florida Representative Guy Johnson has voiced concerns that allowing women to take advantage of changes to the law is unfair to men. In response, he has proposed what’s being called the “Loaded Balls” bill, which would allow men to use the HOV lane at all times because, as he put it, “Our balls are loaded with unborn children.” When someone took the time to explain how both a sperm and egg are required for a human person to form, Representative Johnson responded by aggressively grunting and screaming profanity.
California’s “Super Gay” Bill
Based on both the Arizona and Florida bills, California has proposed its own changes to its state laws as something like a combination of both. The California law would require an “ample amount of semen be inside or upon another person who is operating a vehicle,” qualifying them to use the HOV lane. As quoted, the bill is vague about the gender of the person, so long as the semen is not from the driver of the vehicle. When asked about this, a California state congressman replied, “We simply want to be fair to everyone. Whether it’s a good-time Charlie driving along while covered head-to-toe after a lusty gangbang, or me last Saturday after my birthday orgy when I was absolutely filled to the brim with the gift of life.”
Vermont’s “Whatever, We Give Up” Bill
So far, Vermont has offered up the most aggressive take on this subject with what they’ve proposed. Nicknamed the “Whatever, We Give Up” bill by proponents and opponents alike, the change to state law would allow anyone to drive in the HOV lane as long as “some form of organic material loosely connected to reproduction” is also in the vehicle. Examples from the language of the bill include “Used condoms, soiled undergarments, used tampons (so long as they have been removed and properly stored outside the glove compartment), and a college student’s masturbatory sock.”
When asked how any of this relates to the definition of a person with regard to a fetus, a Vermont representative said, “Well, a fetus isn’t a person by any definition. So if we’re throwing logic out the door, we might as well drag it out screaming and shoot it in the head behind our garage.” Given enough time, I’m confident that Texas will respond by proposing additional laws sure to be even more bat-shit crazy.
Editor’s Note: At the time of publication, we’ve not been able to verify all of these proposed laws. To be honest, we didn’t even bother – the fact that we’ve seen the news reports about Texas is enough to demonstrate how backward we’ve become. Also, several of the gals here in editing are hopeful this will catch on because they’d love to be able to use the HOV lane more often. Thank you.