Ed: Here at The Lemon, we take great pride in our diverse readership. Every day we receive emails from our wide variety of fans: doctors, Rhode Scholars, arsonists, furries, the list goes on! Today, however, we received a rather disturbing letter that seems to suggest that there is a *chuckles* wealth gap in this country?! Uh, yeah, okay, lady. Let me guess, you believe in systemic racism, too! Anyway, take a look at what this broad has to say if you’re looking for a good laugh. Or don’t. Actually, don’t look at it. It’s dumb. Okay, I warned you.
Dear Editors at The Lemon,
When you think of the quintessential American car, what comes to mind? A pickup truck, a muscle car, or a brawny off-roading SUV? Anything loud, aggressive, or bad for the environment is a solid answer, but I’m here to make a case for a vehicle that embodies all of this, plus an ideal that is about as American as apple pie: income inequality. With that in mind, it becomes obvious that the 2023 Cadillac Escalade is totally made in the USA. If you’re considering looking at Cadillac SUVs for sale, please, I beg you: read this before getting your next vehicle!
You know ’em, you love ’em, and you hope they’ll get off their asses already and colonize Mars already so the rest of us can have some peace before the Earth completes its transition to a drought-ridden hellscape. Yes, the unbearable few who make up the top 1% of income earners have been going to Cadillac dealerships for decades and purchasing their bloated, gas-guzzling monstrosities. Let’s be honest; they’re probably paying someone else to pick it up for them. Probably some poor, brown-skinned migrant, like with everything in this country. The Cadillac Escalade was crafted with the richy riches in mind. It’s grossly expensive and full of silly features that NOBODY NEEDS. I mean, c’mon, air conditioning? Are you so lazy that you need the vehicle itself to blow cool air on you? Don’t even get me started with heating.
The 2023 Cadillac Escalade has a starting MSRP of $79,795. Yes, starting! Meaning that’s what you’re actually gonna pay after dealership markups, taxes, and interest. The top-tier trim, on the other hand, starts at just under $150,000. Please excuse me while I throw up. No, really, I’m vomiting while I type this. Aside from being expensive, the Escalade is also huge, seating up to eight people, although you’ll probably rarely see them with more than one to two passengers inside. The fact that it only gets 15 MPG in the city is of no concern to fat cats with bloated wallets.
Remember those silly features I mentioned? In an effort to make their vehicle seem worth its egregious price tag, Cadillac has stuffed plenty of them into their SUV. Some are worthwhile, like anything safety-related or the available-at-an-extra-cost hands-free driving technology, but plenty of others just feel like desperate cash grabs. Like, really, a rear-view camera? Um, no thanks, I’ll just turn my head.
So the car is big, right? Makes it challenging to talk to those folks in the back row (if there are any). If there are any passengers in the back row, they’re probably poor (that’s why you put them in the back). It’s like modern-day segregation. The Conversation Enhancement feature acts like an intercom system so the driver can project their voice throughout the cabin. Did you know that Rosa Parks got arrested for asking the bus driver if she could try out the intercom? They don’t teach you that in school.
And what about all those fancy cameras in the front? Don’t be fooled by the sci-fi mumbo jumbo; what those little guys do is display the view of a front-facing camera on the driver information screen. In other words, it shows the driver what they can already see by simply looking out of the front windshield, which is, famously, what drivers tend to be doing most of the time. How lazy is that? Oh! I almost forgot: it also puts arrows on the screen when it’s time to turn, just in case you forget what right and left are. I guess it’s hard to know which way to turn when you’re constantly leaning right (get it?!!).
The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect representation of American excess. Asthmatic babies are being born at an unprecedented rate, and birds are literally falling from the sky, choking on carbon monoxide. And yet, cars like the Cadillac Escalade still exist. There is an Escalade EV on the horizon, which will ensure people can still look rich while abiding by their state’s emissions laws (but let’s be honest, money puts you above the law, and they’re probably just driving EVs to piss off their friend that invested heavily in Marathon). Well, things may look bleak for the old US of A, but at least things like healthcare and education are accessible and affordable.
Anyway, thanks for reading my two cents on what’s really going on. I’ve been a big fan of the Lemon for years and really hope this gets published in one of your “Letters to the Editor” segments. Also, I just wanted to say how much I appreciate that your publication respects women and has always had our back, and has been outspoken about many women’s causes. Thank you so much!
Ed: LOL. Women, am I right?