The Eagles have added five further dates to their 2018 “An Evening with the Eagles” tour, which kicks off on March 12 in Indianapolis, Indiana. The tour, now sponsored by Chevy trucks has been received with mixed response, ranging from unbridled nostalgic joy to relentless animosity based on the advertised lineup of the touring group.
The reconfigured group – billed officially as “Don Henley, Joe Walsh & Timothy B. Schmit, with Vince Gill and Deacon Frey” – has taken a measured approach to regaining altitude after the death of co-founder Glenn Frey (Deacon’s father) in January of last year, both in terms of timing and filling Frey’s enormous role. Henley is the sole remaining founding member of the group, which he formed with Glenn Frey, guitarist Bernie Leadon and bassist Randy Meisner in 1971. Walsh and Schmit replaced the latter two musicians in 1975 and 1977, respectively.
But according to inside sources, the story behind the tour is riddled with both hidden agendas and dark secrets. As many of The Eagles’ aging fan-base might recall, the mid-90’s brought the band’s initial reunion tour (titled “Hell Freezes Over”) after they’d original claimed that they’d reunite when hell froze over. While well-received, the tour consisted mainly of a bunch of forty-something rockers sitting on stools. Now, over twenty-years later, the controversial lineup understood the evolved expectations of today’s audiences, and decided to up the ante.
To do so, the band knew that they’d require stronger financial backing. Enter General Motors, who felt that the southwestern rock vibe of The Eagles provided a perfect platform to pitch the outgoing model year of the Chevy Silverado, before it received a restyling complete with weight reduction. Chevy’s condition: the band would compose an anthem to commemorate the Silverado.
But what would the band do with the money? A more elaborate laser or light-show, perhaps? Hire back-up dancers, or even orchestrate a relationship with Cirque de Soleil performers to add some performance value to their concerts? No.
The band was going to use Black Magic to resurrect the decaying corpse of Glen Frey.
We spoke to an anonymous informant within the tour itself, who shared that the band’s early tour dates had included a rider, stating that all venues must provide “a velvet-paneled room, with a flaming pentagram on the floor, an ornately-jeweled sacrificial daggers and a 12-14 year old Disney and/or Nickelodeon star”. Since we can only assume that the aforementioned tween/teen stars would have to be virgins in order to appease the Dark Lord, we can only imagine that the pickings are getting slim by this point.
“No offense against Vince and Deacon, who are both amazing musicians and stand-up guys,” offered the source. “But people are really feeling the absence of Glenn Frey, and if the band was going to compose a new anthem for Chevy, well…they knew that they’d have to reanimate Glenn to come up with a winner.”
And according to our anonymous source, reanimate him is exactly what the band did.
“Unfortunately, no-one comes back from the dead the same,” they explain. “First, the tour’s budget simply couldn’t shoulder the financial burden of fresh brains, which we all know zombies need in order to survive. Second, in the amount of time which had passed since his death, the part of Glenn Frey’s brain that composed music had deteriorated to a point where all he could come up with was a rehashed version of the band’s classic ballad, “Desperado” titled “Silverado”. Here’s an excerpt from the song’s ending, written by Henley and Frey, where it’s easy to discern one person’s collaboration from the other.
“Do you need more traction in wintertime?
Do you need to tow? Or have Four-Wheel Drive?
You could choose an F-150, but ME WANT BRAINNNNZ!!!
Whether in 4-Hi or in 4-Lo, aint it funny how the…
GLENN FREY WANT MORE BRAINNNNNZ!!!
Oh, Silverado.
No, it aint getting no younger.
GLENN FREY HAVE HUNGER!!! JOE WALSH TASTE GREAT!!!
Snowing or Raining…you’ve got a Chevy beneath you.
You better grab your Silverado! (Grab your Silverado)
You-ooh better KILL GLENN FREY!!! ME AM A MONSTER!!!!”
Understandably, both Henley and Frey agreed on “Before it’s too late” as the ending of the song. Sadly, the band had no choice but to execute Zombie Glenn Frey with a sniper-style double-tap to the back of the skull, after he refused to unlock his jaw from Joe Walsh’s leg. That said, we hope that you still enjoy the 2018 Tour, knowing that the young cast of Nickelodeon’s “Henry Danger” had to die (in vain) in order to make it happen.
