Detroit, MI – The Cobo Center recently hosted an automaker summit, comprising of such industry mainstays as Ford, General Motors, Fiat-Chrysler of America, Toyota, Nissan USA and Honda. Accordingly to the joint statement issued by the above-named automakers, “this nigh-unprecedented think-tank of leading manufacturers is intended to introduce a unified perspective that will be applied to the creation of the automobiles of tomorrow.”
And while no members of the press were allowed to attend the closed-door conferences, they were permitted to attend an event called the ‘Free Forum’. The forum consisted of a representative from each automaker, seated on a central dais, surrounded by members of the community intended to represent the everyday car-buyer. Using a question & response format to encourage open discussion between the consumer and the development teams, the hope was to gain “a more unbiased understanding of what car-buyers want, outside of brand loyalties”.
Unlike other ‘town-hall’ style forums, where attendees are asked to submit their questions beforehand, this Forum was designed with candor in mind. No questions were to be screened, and no contributors’ questions would go unanswered. The forum would last for 120 minutes.
Unfortunately, the automakers could have never anticipated the bland, endless rambling of 25-year old Beck Denham who was, at the time, debating the merits of the 2018 GMC Yukon vs. 2018 Ford Expedition. 22 minutes into the forum, Denham took to the podium.
“SUVs are so basic,” began Denham, in true millennial fashion. “It’s like, look…we have this and we have that, but so does everyone else, so who cares? #BasicAF is what comes to mind, when I think about today’s SUVs, especially when it comes to crossovers. It’s like, who looks at a CR-V and thinks, ‘Yassssss….THAT is goals’. Who? No-one. And if you do, I’ll just be over here, sipping tea. Clap back if you want, but I can’t even. Welcome to my JOMO.”
Beck Denham then proceeded to speak for 47 minutes, leading to…
“It’s like this guy, Alan, that I used to work with. Alan was like 43, and desperate to fit in with the of us who weren’t. ‘Hey. Let’s hang out with Alan!’ said no one ever. But he just kept showing up, telling us stories that happened back when we were in diapers, or before we were even born. It was like, ‘Oh, You saw Blues Traveler in concert? Great. Who’s that?’ Oh, you went skydiving in 1996, but it wasn’t as scary as the time you went bungee-jumping in 2002? Cool story, bro.”
And 39 minutes later…
“So, I was like, ‘FOH Alan! Pics or it didn’t happen’.”
That was about the point when convention security arrived to remove Beck Denham from the premises. Unfortunately, it had basically utilized all of the open time in the forum, minimizing both (i) the opportunity for other contributors, and (ii) the actual benefit to be gained by the automakers. But at the end of the day, Denham was like “whatever bitches” and the bitches “whatevered.”
What’s your opinion on either the GMC Yukon or the Ford Expedition? The Lemon wants to know. Unless, of course, you’re over the age of 35 with experience in sky-diving. If so, we’re all out of fucks.
