If you’ve been on the internet at all in the last decade – I assume you have since you’re here right now – then you’ve no doubt seen about a thousand “listicles” that present you with “X Things You Need to Know About Traditional Piano Tuning” or “X Ways to Seduce Your Neighbor’s Window Washer.” Well good news: I’m here today with another one that will tell you what you need to find when looking at used Fords for sale out there.
These listicles (it’s a portmanteau of “list” and “article,” get it? People are so clever) are just super helpful. Rather than having to actually read a full article for the information you’re looking for, you can just skim the section headers. Personally, I love anything that lets me get to information I need faster, without having to read actual content that might teach me something. I don’t want to learn something; I just want someone to tell me what’s important and what I need to know so I can spew that out to my friends and family at a summer party.
So here’s some stuff that you need to know, presented in a way that is highly digestible.
#1 – Real Penguin-Leather Interior
I cannot possibly overstate the importance of rich, genuine penguin leather when looking at different used Ford models for sale. Whether you are buying from some guy across town, talking to a friend about his old car, or shopping at a dealership, this should be the first thing you check for. Any Ford that doesn’t have a penguin-leather interior, and I mean real penguin leather, not that synthetic crap, isn’t worth your time.
In fact, if you don’t walk into a Ford dealership today, and I mean as soon as damn possible, slap your hand hard against the nearest desk or similar surface – even the floor would work – and demand to see the vehicle they have with the most penguin leather in it, you’re not serious about buying a vehicle. I’ve worked in the auto industry for three decades, covered every type of vehicle release and announcement you can imagine, and nothing gets me excited like seeing real bird skin inside an American car.
#2 – An Engine Fueled by the Souls of the Damned
Let’s be honest about something for a moment: the engine inside your vehicle doesn’t really matter. Other writers will tell you that it does; you can find all kinds of articles, blog posts, and videos online about the importance of engines; there are even people that rebuild their own engines. It’s all nonsense. The engine doesn’t matter and very little of your car’s performance actually depends on it. I know, that’s going to blow your mind, but once you see past the illusions they’ve put up, you’ll understand things as I do.
Now, that being said, there’s one thing you should still look for. The best Ford trucks, cars, and pickups are those that run on special infernal combustion engines. These are designed by Ford engineers that have a direct line down into the fourth circle of hell, where the souls of the greedy find eternal torment and punishment. By channeling some of these spirits back up to the material plane, and trapping them within an engine, you get tremendous fuel economy and the smug satisfaction of knowing you’re part of G-d’s plan!
#3 – Octagonal Tires on Oblate Wheels
As they say, the tires are the only part of your vehicle that touches the road. Clearly they’ve never seen my own custom coupe, which is designed with bumpers, headlights, and seats that all touch the road. But, be that as it may, they still have a point: the tires and wheels on your used Ford are important.
For the best performance, and a driving experience beyond what most people will ever know, you want to find octagonal tires. Now, I know what you’re going to say: shouldn’t tires be round? No, that’s dumb. Shut up.
Octagonal wheels use centrifugal force to ramp up your overall power and get you going faster than ever. Those straight sides really have to work as the oblate-spheroid wheels turn, grinding against the pavement with every inch of motion. As the tire works its way to the peak between two straight sides, there’s a moment of serenity, before you crash down onto the next side. It’s kind of like riding on a roller coaster with a new peak and a sudden drop every 5.3 seconds. You’ll love it!
#5 – Even More Penguin Leather
Once you’ve established that you know what you want when looking at a vehicle by demanding a genuine penguin-leather interior, then take it further. The seller of the used Ford will recognize that you know what you want, but they might still try to shortchange you. Demand the absolute pinnacle of penguin leather. You need more leather than they can handle.
That means leather seats, of course, but you also want leather belt buckles, leather lining and details on the dashboard, and a penguin-leather-wrapped steering wheel. If the steering wheel doesn’t have some beak to it, then get the hell out of there because that seller is trying to screw you over. Demand leather wheels – yes octagonal, penguin-leather wheels on your Ford. That’s how you know you’re getting a good one. The trunk should be lined with leather, the hoses connecting the cooling system throughout the interior: leather. Everything that can be leather, and a few things that can’t, should be.
#6 – Whatever Happened to #4
As you’re looking at a used Ford for sale, you’ll want them to be able to explain #4 in this list. It’s their fault that it’s missing and I want some damn answers. Whether you go to a Ford dealership or you’re looking at car postings online, demand that they can tell you about #4 and what happened to it.
Once you find it, then let me know because I want it back. Until then, we’ll just have to continue the best we can, though I assure you that #4 was really the best one on this list. Everything else is just empty and devoid of meaning without it.
#7 – Your Lost Youth, Hopes, and Dreams
Take some time to think about the things you’ve lost. Consider what you were like when you were younger; as a child, what did you dream about? What did you want to become? Have you done it? Are you the person you were meant to be?
If not, then you should insist that any used Ford for sale that you find have that for you. It’s not too much to ask and it’s a great way to ensure you get a real value with your vehicle. I mean, anyone can sell you a car, truck, or SUV. There are a lot of them out there. But if you find someone that can sell you the hopes and dreams of your youth that have been left behind, then you know you’ve found something really special.
Or, you know, go do it your damn self. Don’t wait for someone else to find what you lost – you’re a person. Just make it happen.
Editor’s Note: We strongly discourage the use of the “listicle” format due to the inherent laziness involved in creating such content in large numbers. For more information, please see our article on the “Top 5 Things Wrong with Listicles, Number 3 Will Blow Your Mind.” Thank you.