If you’re interested in live auto news like I am, and you watch for the signs and secret signals that we all know are deeply encoded in the endless stream of buzzwords and propaganda scrawled across most car news sites out there, like I do, then you’re already well aware of what I’m going to discuss here today. To you, I only say: “Ludivico. Omelette. Simulation. Epsilon. Terre Haute. Euphrates. Waxwing. Indigo. Renfield. Eclipse.”
For everyone else, I’m about to blow open a story that every other “news” site out there doesn’t have the guts to expose. Why, you ask? Because they know that once they address what’s going on, people will panic, stocks will crash, and the world as we know it will die as the ashen cinder that it was born to become. So what’s going on out there?
Two words: Ghost Cars.
How it Began
The first confirmed sighting of a ghost car was on June 7th, 1971, but I believe (and belief is knowing) that it goes back much further than that. There are stories about Henry Ford and the obscene practices he followed in creating his modern automobile production facilities. We all know about the blood mixed into the concrete in his auto plant’s foundations – but most people believe it was his blood he added. My sources indicate that it came from orphans – ORPHAN BLOOD!
No matter how it all began, we know that the first ghost cars were produced by [REDACTED] in either the early 1940s or the late 1950s, depending on whose story you believe. The process was simple: make a car, give it life, murder the car, and resurrect its ghost through generous applications of automancy, necrotism, and following the ancient text known only as the “Malleus Motorcarum.” And the end result was a terrible one: a vehicle both incorporeal and hungry for the warmth and life of living creatures – most especially, man.
First Encounters
As I said, the first confirmed sighting of a ghost car was on March 13th, 1968, in an incident that became known as the Rockwedge Encounter. Though I wish some tape recording or even audio recording could be found of that moment, sadly none is known to exist. The only surviving evidence of the Rockwedge Encounter is a call log made by a local sheriff’s office responding to a flood of phone calls that came in that evening.
The first call on the log concerning the sighting of a phantasmal automobile came in at 7:14 pm local time, quickly followed by additional calls at 7:27 pm, 8:13 pm, and 6:45 pm. Although the sheriff’s office responded – this was, of course, before the Carter Inquisition and the total crackdown on police involvement with the spectral menace – and they did their best to deal with the entity they encountered, they were wholly unprepared for its rampage. By the first light of dawn, over 12,000 people had been killed, nearly the entire population of [REDACTED].
Additional sightings followed the Rockwedge Encounter, each with the same horrifying results. Every night, phantasmal sedans roamed America’s roadways, and as they were left to hunt and kill unimpeded, tens of thousands of people died before sunrise. The carnage has escalated – now, millions of people are slaughtered in the darkness every single night, and only a few have taken up the call to respond.
Where We’re At
By last count, according to the Centers for Disease Control, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, and the [REDACTED], somewhere between 1.6 billion and 148 trillion people have died in ghost car encounters. At this rate, the entire population of the world will be wiped out sometime between now and the cataclysmic heat-death of the known universe. This cannot stand.
America’s roadways are being overtaken by a nameless, unknowable plague of ghost cars that seek to end our dominion over the land. What’s worse, recent reports now indicate that larger spectral vehicles may have appeared as well – at least one person has claimed they witnessed a full-size ghost pickup truck consuming the souls of a bus full of circus clowns. Recent video posted to [REDACTED] and hastily removed due to a DMCA takedown order, seems to show a massive, spectral SUV pulling alongside a car in rural East Virginia and tearing it apart.
But what can be done? How can we respond to these terrifying monstrosities bristling with translucent hate!?
The Road Ahead
As I type this, rogue exorcists now roam America’s roadways, taking the fight to the ghost cars themselves. Their results are, thus far, inconsistent at best and seem to indicate that spiritual belief and psycho-plasmic warfare might be only one piece of a larger puzzle necessary to end this terrible spectral atrocity. That being said, it’s better than nothing.
Numerous reports and hundreds of videos have been posted showing the battle between these autoerotic exorcists and the ghastly horrors that share our roads. The fighting is quick and brutal – esoteric chants and crude, pornographic drawings are the primary weapons of these roadside warriors. But they seem to have an effect – in dozens of these reports, all evidence indicates that the methods being used can drive off the ghost cars.
In one particularly stunning video, which was recently released by the National Council for [REDACTED], a road exorcist can be seen doing battle against a ghost car. His hypnotic gyrations and obscene incantations clearly have an effect on the vehicle. When, at last, he calls out the 7 unspeakable names of the old ones, the ghost car is shown to retreat and waiver, a sound is heard like the bleating of a goat with a thousand mouths, and the ghost car erupts in a shimmering display. A glorious explosion of protoplasm and glitter, which leaves nothing behind but a crater and the shattered dreams of our masters.
The Hundred-Per-Cent Solution
In the end, the path ahead is clear – there can be no truce, no treaty between these warring parties. We must end this menace, this plague of locomotive locusts that have taken over our roads and claimed our highways in the name of their profane overlords. Once, this was a country where men and women roamed free, driving to and fro, where they will, on grocery trips and long rides from state to state. Now, only the shattered ruins of that once great automotive kingdom remain…
But it is not too late. Every person, man woman and child, has an obligation to take up the fight and ensure this menace ends before nothing is left. Perhaps the rogue exorcists are right and the bizarre and apoplectic methods they employ will win the war. Or perhaps they are as mad as [REDACTED] and his cadre of social-media crusaders that have declared war on the phantasmal autocracy that holds this nation in thrall.
Who do we look to now, at first light in the east? Rumors have spread of one that can battle the ghost cars without ritual or weapon. One, whose very presence is anathema to them, and who can eradicate an entire fleet of phantasmal four-door fiends with a single word. But her name cannot be spoken aloud, lest we [REDACTED].
Publisher’s Note: Based on a series of photographs in the possession of this article’s writer, which in no way includes images depicting European royalty behaving in a scandalously normal manner, we have been forced to rehire the writer. When we attempted to fact-check the preceding content, two of our editors lit themselves on fire while chanting incoherent words described by one witness as “the gibbering madness of a thousand howler monkeys,” while a third went out to buy a carton of milk and has not been seen in two weeks. As such, we do not stand by the veracity of its claims and implore you not to read what you have already read. Thank you.
