Washington D.C. – In the streets of our nation’s capital, and in 3,000 cities throughout the United States, high school students and their supporters stand united, mobilized in the face of a common threat. That threat? No, not guns (I mean, don’t get us wrong, that’s happening too) but something else has managed to draw the ire of Generation Z. What is it? The inability of legal minors under the age of 18 to engage in legally-binding vehicle lease agreements.
The result is being called ‘The March for our Drives,’ and it’s proving one of the most divisive cross-generational debates in our nation’s history. The revolt, which is being compared to a full-scale revolution was first-triggered last week, at Parkland Chevrolet, a Broward County Florida-based Chevy dealership. Accordingly to staff members of the dealership, 14-year old Addie Espinosa arrived at the dealership interested in learning more about Chevy lease deals.
“We just assumed she was doing some kind of school report,” said General Manager, Anna Ray. “Next thing my salesman knows, she’s trying to lease a Chevy Spark and not taking ‘no’ for an answer.”
While the dealership was prepared to write the exchange off as another humorous anecdote, a disgruntled Miss Espinosa directed her frustration to social media. Snapchat, Instagram and Twitter went ablaze with her viral assault on the status quo of car-buying, claiming that she is “becoming an activist because adults don’t know about f*cking lease programs.”
“When your old-ass parent is like, ‘I don’t know how to send an iMessage,’ and you’re just like, ‘Give me the fucking phone and let me handle it.’ Sadly, that’s what we have to do with car loans. Plus I f*cking love the Chevy Spark. #socute”.
Comments raged coast-to-coast from Miss Espinosa’s peers, including:
- Am I Next? Because I totes love the #ChevyBoltEV
- Girls clothing is more regulated than lease programs!
- #sounfair URso gorge. I hate you, wife. TTYL.
Social media engagement would surge, resulting in one of the largest mass organizations of uninformed pubescent revolutionaries since, well…the last mass organization of uninformed pubescent revolutionaries.
Espinosa, who has been working one night a weekend for the last 11 months as a babysitter, states, “If I’m old enough to die in a car crash, I should be old enough to lease a car.” While we were tempted to point out that it would be two years before she can legally drive, we held off, mostly because it made us nervous when she started shaving her head. In our experience, that’s never a good sign…
The Lemon’s legal correspondent, Attorney Hugh Janus spoke candidly on the matter, “The United States is no stranger to youth revolt. From protesting the Vietnam War to placing demands upon gun reform, the last half-century alone has fueled a growing empowerment of our youth. But with youth comes certain limitations in terms life experience, emotional maturity and the real-world application of fundamental life skills. Are we really going to bow to the whims of teenagers? Next thing you know, they’ll start trying to rewrite the Constitution. Oh, wait…”
