The American medical community was shocked this week, when a press release from the Food and Drug Administration announced that a revolutionary treatment had proven effective-enough during trials, to receive the administration’s coveted approval. That treatment…is automotive, ranging from muscle cars and powerful trucks to motorcycles and high-end utility vehicles such as those offered by Land Rover.
At age 54, Les Bonnar found himself burdened with an affliction that is all-too-common to today’s American males. The affliction attacked him and his lifestyle with all the patient resolve of a venomous serpent which had spent over half-a-century crouched in the long-grass, ready to strike. The effect of an end to its bite? Diminished confidence, depression, and even strains upon his marriage to his lovely wife, Donna. That’s right, like so many men before him, Les Bonnar a loving husband, father of three young adult children, owner of two Labradoodles (named Dodgy & Bev) and well-respected member of the middle-management team at Laprothy & Lloyd-Wright, drives a crossover SUV.
“Growing up, I never imagined I would have found myself in this position,” explains Mr. Bonnar. “Partly, because no young man imagines that his virility could be depleted, or the strength of his masculinity challenged. But also because crossover SUV’s simply didn’t exist when I grew up.”
And just as the crossover SUV entered our cultural mindset as the subtle evolution of the vehicles which preceded it, the effects of driving a crossover took its toll on Les Bonnar’s standard of living over time.
“My oldest son was born in 1990 and, frankly, was a filthy son-of-a-bitch since day one. After a few years of transitioning our Ford Taurus into a toy-ridden death trap that smelled faintly of juvenile diarrhea and Cheerios, we switched over to a Subaru Outback. It made it easier to haul strollers, and travel bags, and all of the garbage accessories that come with an infant. It also had a slightly larger cabin and was better ventilated. This came in handy when my daughter made her appearance, also smelling of ‘Diarrh-ios.’ At that time, we financed a minivan for my wife Donna’s ease of use, and I continued to drive around in the Outback. Our third child was a mistake, but we’ve grown to love him anyway. Aside from a growing interest in dogs, our family was complete. But eventually, it came time to pick up something newer and more reliable, hopefully smelling less of…well, you know.”
At the behest of his wife Donna, that new vehicle turned out to be a Honda CR-V. Within months, Donna Bonnar, enamored with the crossover, would trade her minivan in for a Toyota RAV-4. Within a year, her husband Les would only enjoy an intermittent ability to sustain an erection. The rest, as they say, is history…or HER-story.
For Donna Bonnar, mother of three high school and college-aged children, aspiring LabraDoodle enthusiast and instructor in the Monday and Thursday evening Booty Boot Camp classes at the local YMCA, life was beginning anew. But for her husband, life flew at half mast (and only on the best days).
“When Les and I first met, our love-making was non-stop. Suffice it to say, that two of our three children didn’t arrive by accident (poor Aiden),” Donna laughs. “But to be honest, in recent years, I was lucky for eleven minutes of finger stuff, always with the best of intentions. Like the speedometer of our CR-V when faced with a highway on-ramp, Les just couldn’t get it up. We tried all the normal treatments: Viagra, Cialis, Goat Wort, Bolivian Marching Powder, and the music of Prince. We may, or may not, have an active PornHub account, and I’m embarrassed to say that our Amazon Prime history will even show a few brands of penis pumps. None of it worked. That’s when we realized that the downward slope of my husband’s virility began when he first got behind the wheel of that damn CR-V. We needed to do something about it…”
Donna Bonnar’s husband, Les, agreed. “People make a lot of jokes about the ‘male mid-life crisis,’ criticizing middle-aged men for buying new sports cars in a vain attempt to feel younger. How is this any different from the way that society of yesteryear is now chastised for making such conditions as autism, developmental disorders, mental illness and even postpartum depression into punchlines? Middle-age is a part of life. If we survive life to the point where we can enjoy middle-age, we are rewarded with what: Limp-dick? It’s not fair. We can’t help but attribute it to the burdens and fatigues of life, priorities, and yes…giving up our hopes of buying a Challenger with a Hemi, and settling for a CR-V.”
And Mr. Bonnar’s impactful final point seems to be shared by scientists at the FDA, specially biochemist Dr. Rod Throbb. “Mr. Bonnar is just one of millions of men for whom erectile dysfunction is a real factor of life. Sure, some men are able to survive marriage and parenthood without sacrificing the psychological and physical benefits offered by a cool car, like the Dodge Charger for example. According to our studies, those guys live an alarmingly healthy and fulfilling sex life. First, because such vehicles are equally appealing to women and secondly because such we have been conditioned to form symbiotic relationships with our vehicles. Men who are allowed to drive vehicles that they personally consider cool, fast or powerful can provide a psychological foundation of confidence. But so many more men are subjected to automotive neutering, trading a reliable hard-on for all-wheel drive capabilities, cross-traffic sensor, and rearview camera. Speaking logically, humanity has survived and thrived for millennia without such automotive wonders; but how far would we have made it, without intercourse, both recreational and reproductive?”
Well said, Dr. Throbb. And kudos, on scoring a super cool name…
That said, Les and Donna Bonnar are in the process of shopping for a Dodge Challenger. And thanks to the conversation, they are also enjoying a healthy and newly-restored sex life. Seriously. They are fucking. A lot. I mean, there’s still finger stuff but solely as a warming ‘amuse-bouche’ to ‘Boomtown’.
