If you’re anything like worldwide music sensation Post Malone, you’re ALWAYS TIRED…of hearing about highway casualties and want to make it better now. Well, Malone is ready to go flex his influence and start takin’ shots at the relationship between drivers and the wide-array of driver assistive features made available by today’s automakers.
According to the iconic musical upstart, “I fall apart every time I get up at the crack of 4PM and hear the traffic updates, talking about car crashes and shit. Well, I want that to be over now. Which is why I’m about to go psycho and work with the National Highway Traffic and Safety Administration (NHTSA) to make sure all my people stay safe, whether they’re driving a ’19 Hellcat or a ’92 Explorer. We gonna hit this hard. Fuck. We aint got no option.”
Born Austin Richard Post, the 23-year-old musical sensation might just be the solution that the NHTSA has been looking for. Heavily influential over his loyal fan-base, Malone has proved a controversial icon. On one hand, he enjoys an almost unquestioned existence in the minds of his youthful fandom, making radical fashion statements and adding facial tattoos without any sense of long-term consequence. On the other hand, his success (and general appeal) prove confusing to most everyone over the age of 35. But the NHTSA is banking on the ever-growing influence and expectations of millennial, Gen-Y and Z demographics.
We spoke to Susan Gorcowski, Associate Administrator of Communications and Consumer Information at the NHTSA who explains the added motivation for partnering with Malone. “We were searching for a celebrity spokesperson whose influence over younger drivers was unquestionable. It was August 21st. We were sitting in the office brainstorming when we saw the news coverage of Mr. Malone’s harrowing emergency plane landing. Then, just weeks later, on September 7th, Malone was involved in a West Hollywood collision between his Rolls-Royce, a KIA, a fence and some shrubs. The decision was clear: between his trending influence and the realization that Post Malone might be the perfect partner to usher in drastic and positive change.”
“Back then, I thought God must hate me,” Malone recalls. “But I aint gonna put on God. I was just being paranoid. People were just trying to blame it on me, but I was like, I aint on the other side yet man. I’m too young, dude. I just need to find the meaning behind it all. Maybe God was just trying to tell me something.”
So what does this new partnership entail? A national campaign, it is expected to include everything from television and radio spots, to LIVE streaming content where Malone will present important safety information and tutorials on the proper use of driver assistive technologies. It is even expected that designated YouTube and Instagram TV channels will be set up to host the inevitable wealth of video content.
But what the world really wants to know is whether or not the rumors are true regarding Malone’s offer to play the role of crash test dummy, getting behind the wheel of crash test vehicles in an attempt to drive the point of vehicle safety. The rockstar seems hesitant to confirm either way but is quick to casually laugh, shrug or smile mischievously when the topic comes up. The NHTSA seems less interested in casting doubt…
“Oh, we’re definitely putting him in crash tests. No doubt about it. But don’t worry about his safety. Based on our research, we’re fairly certain that nothing can kill him except magic, or a specific ceremonial dagger of ancient Mesopotamian legend. At the risk of sounding trite, it’ll probably be Post and the cockroaches left standing if there’s ever an atomic holocaust. In fact, we’ve sparked the attention of certain government agencies who would like Mr. Malone’s help in testing the effects of nuclear technology on human subjects and the effectiveness of advanced military-grade weaponry.”
Malone, an avid pro-gun advocate and conspiracy theorist, just laughs, stating, “That’s baller.”
