Waukegan, IL––As most of you are aware by now, this past summer was plagued by a series of car break-ins across Illinois. No neighborhood has been off limits for the perpetrators, as the mysterious assailant has targeted the cars of wealthy and middle-class areas. Fear has gripped many residents from Chicago to Springfield, as many dealerships have been working around the clock to install new alarm systems that many area residents are seeking. Angela Harper, the GM of Haddonfield Motors, a Minooka Nissan dealer, has attested to the sharp increase in sales.
“I haven’t seen a frenzy like this since the early ’90s. Back then, people were scared about getting abducted and having their anal cavities probed by an over-zealous alien race. There were a few documented cases, but I can chalk it up to people watching too many episodes of the X-Files and Sightings….” Harper’s words bring back memories of the alien abduction craze from a few decades ago. And while there’s still been no proof of alien life and many hoaxes from the tie period have since been debunked, there is a new theory being championed by many that might shine a light on the mystery of the recent automotive break-ins. And it has begun to incite paranoia among many communities.
Dr. Robert Jones, Ph.D., head of the Cryptozoology department at Warren G. Harding University, has recently unveiled an explanation for the string of break-ins and burglaries. “It’s quite simple,” he stated. “Obviously, we are dealing with a being who is not of our environment or even our species. What we are dealing with is an Australopithecus Gigantus, known in some circles and civilizations as a yeti, sasquatch, Harry from Harry and the Hendersons, or, as he’s known to the common individual, Bigfoot.”
Clearly, the sightings of this upright ape-like creature that have been reported for several decades are a reality, according to the esteemed Dr. Jones. “We have to take the mythology as fact from this moment forward,” Jones continued, applying a paper towel to his bald spot, “I’ve read the reports, and clearly, Bigfoot is the only logical explanation. I defy you to provide any evidence to the contrary.”
As unfathomable as it may seem, many agree with Jones’ claims that Bigfoot is responsible for this crime wave. Captain Henry “lead lover” Lawson of the Illinois State Militia has quickly called up volunteers for what’s now being called by residents as a “hairy situation.” The hypothesis that it was Bigfoot has been amplified due to the large footprints and missing food items from several vehicles in the local area.
“It makes all too perfect sense,” Lawson told us. “Who would break into a truck, ignore the stereo, and only abscond with a package of pork rinds? It’s Bigfoot; no other explanation could possibly exist for such a brazen string of crimes. If we don’t act soon, more vehicles will be vandalized, and our supplies of pork rinds will be hindered so greatly that a statewide shortage is the only possible outcome.”
Skeptics argue that a rational explanation can logically answer the string of thefts. Many are assuming that the larger-than-normal footprints are simply Shaq walking around the city and surrounding wooded areas in his bare feet. As for the strands of hair and missing foodstuffs, many believe it’s a homeless vagrant ransacking vehicles for food that’s in plain sight, or it’s possibly a drag queen who spends more money on makeup and dresses than sustainable food items. Both Shaq and RuPaul were contacted; neither wished to comment.
