The one thing I can always appreciate about the auto industry is that they know when to stop at a good thing. Sure, car companies will offer a dozen trims on a vehicle, but they know that once they create a high trim level that becomes recognizable and, dare I say, “iconic,” they should stop there and let it be what people want. Recently, to demonstrate my point, GMC has revealed Denali Ultimate trims for several of their vehicles, including the Yukon and Sierra.
For years now, the Denali has been their signature trim level for the most tech features and the highest luxury options across their lineup. That’s all changed now, as the Denali is just second-best, playing second-fiddle to the new Denali Ultimate and the extra layer of sophistication and prestige it will bring. I reached out to one of my contacts deep within GMC, and he revealed that their plans don’t stop with the Denali Ultimate; oh no, in the years to come, they’re bringing more Denalis than you’ll know what to do with!
The Denali Ultimate
The first step in their relentless pursuit of higher prices is the Denali Ultimate, which needlessly adds a new layer that could’ve simply been applied to the Denali trim to improve it. Inside a Denali Ultimate model, you’ll find rich luxury thanks to an exclusive Alpine Umber full-grain leather interior, with seats that feature quilted inserts and plaited contrast stitching. These models feature 16-way power-adjustable seating with massage features, of course, and numerous displays along with a 15-inch color head-up display. They also include high-performance Bose sound systems with a dozen or more speakers and CenterPoint Surround Sound. Quite nice, no doubt about it, but this is only the beginning…
The Denali SuperMegaDeluxe
Sometime next year, GMC will announce the Denali SuperMegaDeluxe trim, which will build on the great features introduced in the Denali Ultimate and take them even further. This trim will have exclusive Apollo Crimson even-more-full-grain leather seating, featuring dodo-down filling for luxurious comfort you won’t find anywhere else. These seats are already in production because they’re being hand-crafted by the children of [Name of impoverished country redacted], requiring 16 months to make each seat. Sure, they’ll be crippled by the strain on their tiny fingers, but that’s a small price to pay for such exquisite quality.
The Denali GigaChad
Not to be outdone, GMC is already working on another trim level, though we won’t see it become available until sometime in 2025 or even 2026. Currently being developed using the internal codename “Denali GigaChad,” this model will feature stainless steel seating, for real men, with leather details for added comfort. In a move to, according to my contact at GMC, “Skip the foreplay and get right to the penetration,” they’ve simplified the interior; everything is just one massive screen. The windshield? A screen that you can see through a small portion of. The dashboard? A single curved screen sweeping across the interior. The steering wheel and pedals? All HD LCD screens you can use to watch live sports streamed in real-time or for viewing the latest high-quality, imported Hentai during your morning commute.
The Denali Alfredo
This one may be an error on the part of my contact, but I’m providing it with the description he sent to me in full: “The Denali Alfredo will feature exquisite, handmade interior materials, all coated lovingly in a luxurious cream sauce. The recipe is an industry secret, but it involves making a béchamel using rich, creamery butter and a metric shit-ton of Parmigiano Reggiano!” He might’ve accidentally copied his lunch order into his email to me, but I’m passing it along just in case. If true, this will set a new standard for automotive cuisine.
Editor’s Note: At this time, we have been unable to verify any of this information with GMC, though we’ve left several messages on what sounded like a Sony TAM-100 answering machine. We would caution you against using any of this while shopping for or considering your next vehicle, particularly as this sort of excess is completely unnecessary. Except, that is, if the Denali Alfredo turns out to be real because that’s absolutely necessary, and we’ll take three. Thank you.