Cincinnati, OH – On an overcast Saturday morning, Gabriel and Donna MacAvoy loaded their three children inside of their 2009 Ford Escape, and pulled out of their suburban driveway. Their intended destinations, after a quick stop at the local Starbucks, were their local Ford and Chevy dealerships.
Just as countless American families do every day, the MacAvoy family was car shopping. While their Escape had served them well, it was time for an update. They knew that they were looking for a new model year offering; the only debate was between the 2018 Ford Escape vs. 2018 Chevy Equinox, having performed their due diligence to eliminate all other alternatives. All in all, the process had taken several months, but this was the day that they would make their decision.
That is, until Gabriel MacAvoy suddenly collapsed on the ground, soaked by the remains of his Triple Venti Half-Sweet Non-Fat Caramel Macchiato.
According to bystanders, the family looked on in shock as Emergency Medical Services arrived on scene. According to Mrs. MacAvoy, her husband was the picture of perfect health. Aside from the occasional Starbucks visit, Gabriel lived a primarily Vegan lifestyle. A competitive runner, he didn’t drink, smoke or use narcotics and spent 5-6 days a week in the gym as part of the local CrossFit community. No concerns were raised by his family’s medical history, and his recent physical rated his overall health as superb.
So, what caused this healthy 41-year old man to collapse mysteriously in front of his wife and children? According to the American Medical Association, Gabriel MacAvoy was one of hundreds of Americans reported to have exhibited near-identical symptoms in near-identical circumstances.
“We refer to the condition as ‘Crossover Fatigue,’ “ explained Dr. Newt Ehrdman on behalf of the AMA. “Primarily psychosomatic, the physical symptoms are inspired by the simple fact that no-one really likes crossover SUVs. Sure, everyone likes to brag about a shiny, new car and post pictures on social media so their bitchy friends can throw shade, but let’s look at the facts. No one races a Ford Escape for pinks slips. And there is no historical evidence that someone got laid because they were still driving around in an XTerra. From what we’ve seen ‘Crossover Fatigue’ is a defense mechanism that has evolved within the human mind over the last three decades. Normally, it occurs after extended periods of examining crossover SUV offerings, comparing makes, models, and trim levels and realizing that you’re only one step away from a minivan. It’s the brain’s way of telling you that you’re about to gift-wrap your tits or testicles, hand them over to your controlling spouse, and get a joint Facebook account. Naturally, the body rejects this and simply shuts off, out of survival instinct.”
Considering the over-saturation of crossover offerings within the marketplace, it’s hard to think of any means of sidestepping this risk, while accommodating the demands of family and/or an active lifestyle. Dr. Ehrdman however, has a suggestion.
“If you must invest in a crossover, it is imperative that you also invest in a performance vehicle of some sort, to counter the psychological wear of driving something so lameass. Whether classic or new, a Camaro, Mustang or better yet a Charger can do a lot to restore your self-respect. You’ll feel more energized, and less-likely to collapse like a bitch in a puddle of Starbucks. And let’s be honest, it will probably get you laid, too. I mean, that’s just science.”
Just science, indeed.
