Athol, MA – In recent years, Western Massachusetts has reached what can only be described as “mythical status”. Not entirely unlike the absentee worlds of Atlantis, El Dorado or Bethesda Maryland, this part of the state (anything west of Route 495) consists primarily of what are referred to as “the lost towns”. And smack dab in the middle of them rests the mist-laden valley of Athol, former “Teen Pregnancy Capitol of Massachusetts” and home of ‘Seven Dragons’ (a surprisingly good, if not shady-looking, Chinese place). The people of Athol have long-accepted the absence of radio reception, accepting second-hands opioids and incestuous romance as a consolation prize. But we’re not here to dwell on ‘Tool Town’s’ shortcomings; we’re merely setting the stage for a larger story, the tale of a young man so excited about the New Toyota Supra, that CBS might just consider offering him a contract with countless spinoff options.
At least that’s what state police CSI specialist, Russ Vanderholme says jokingly, after inspecting the residence of 22-year old Dustin Russell. Russell, best known for his distinctive swagger, low-sagging pants, flat-brimmed Chicago hat and tendency to pursue prematurely developed 15-year old girls, might just be the perfect poster boy for Athol. Russell, who was rushed to Athol Memorial Hospital (yes, that’s an actual place with real doctors and nurses) from unprecedented levels of dehydration drew the attention of local law enforcement when paramedics noticed several suspicious items in his apartment.
And while The Lemon is restricted from discussing those details (as part of an ongoing case) police have revealed that, what shocked them more than those items, was the state of the apartment itself.
“Have you ever seen the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards?” asked Vanderholme. “You know, where everyone gets covered in slime? The apartment was like that except, instead of slime, it was semen; specifically an overwhelming amount of semen which was only visible under a blacklight.”
And while someone might suspect that the copious number of discharges were related to a combination of self-pleasuring and/or intercourse with underaged Athol High students, Dustin Russell contends that it was not.
“That’s all new,” he shared with The Lemon. “I was just sitting at home, watching some coverage of the Detroit Auto Show when I came across the unveiling of the new 2020 Toyota Supra. I clicked on the link and got so excited that, I’ll be damned if there wasn’t suddenly jizz everywhere. I mean it was like Coco Keys, or Great Wolf Lodge up in there. Well, I mean, if those waterparks dumped jizz instead of water on everybody’s heads.”
Russ Vanderholme confirms the story, stating, “All the samples which were taken generated identical dating when tested for age. I’ve never seen anything like it. That kid went full Jackson Pollock on that room; he must have been really excited about that car!”
Unfortunately, the reveal of the 2020 Toyota Supra seems to be creating similar situations around the world.
“It’s crazy,” says Vanderholme. “Don’t get me wrong, I liked Fast and Furious too. But the kids that were raised on those movies have some weird ideas about what a car should be. And that new Supra really bridges the gap between their little fantasies and a genuinely sweet ride.”
And that’s when Vanderholme jazzed in his pants.
Just another day in Western Massachusetts….
