If you were around during the turbulent decade of the 1980s, you’re likely familiar with the period known as the “Satanic Panic,” the age in which tabloids and talk shows trumped-up wild and unabashed conspiracy theories about Satanic cults lurking in the shadows of Middle America, kidnapping children and either sacrificing them or forcing them to partake in a ritualistic murder. If this was so long ago, you might be asking, why are we mentioning it now?
Well, an investigation into the Toyota logo has recently risen in response to a rash of new conspiracy theories. While some theorize that it’s nothing more than an upside-down penis, others are looking deeper and theorizing that it might be an invocation to none other than Satan himself—the Abrahamic fount of evil, the fallen angel, Lucifer, landlord of Hell. We took a trip to the offices of Tantric Toyota, a Toyota dealer near Oroville, CA, to get some insight into the ongoing investigation.
The first person we spoke to was Ruth Gilbert, a sexual advice columnist and author of “It’s Not That Hard: An Essential Guide for Finding the Clitoris.” Gilbert spoke at length about her theories regarding the sexual innuendo of the Toyota logo. “Upon further examination of the logo that Toyota has chosen to implement, I can clearly see that it is, in fact, an upside-down phallus—or, in layman’s terms, a penis. When the logo is turned upside-down, I can clearly see a pair of testicles and a shaft.”
Gilbert also reminded us that such imagery is not a bad thing; as a matter of fact, some cultures might even consider it a symbol of fertility and good fortune. “When archaeologists unearthed the ancient ruins of Pompeii, several erect phalluses were discovered. The Ancient Romans felt this encouraged fertility. As for Toyota, it could mean the same thing. However, the fact that it’s turned upside down could mean the exact opposite and represent flaccidness or sterility.”
Gilbert’s theories on the hidden meaning behind the recognizable automobile logo isn’t the only one, as occult expert Dale Griffis—who gave evidence at the 1994 trial of the West Memphis Three—has his own theories as to what secrets the Toyota logo is obscuring from the general public. “The underground Satanic movement is a real phenomenon. While many would have you believe it’s simply a product of paranoia, their history of infiltrating the automotive industry needs little to no introduction.” Griffis went on to explain, in great detail, how Satanists have been behind such incidents as the explosions of the Ford Pinto, the energy crisis of the 1970s, and even the recent worldwide microchip shortage, claiming the global pandemic was a smokescreen for them to operate in secrecy. “Everyone’s quarantining at home; all of a sudden, a factory burns down with millions of microchips inside? Sounds suspicious.”
Griffis explained that the Toyota logo, while looking like a halo or crucifix to the untrained eye, actually contains some stunning clues as to its real meaning. “There are six gaps in the logo itself, a clever way to hide the mark of the beast—six, six, six. Do you see it? Yeah. Now you can’t un-see it.” Griffis also noted that the top of the logo is, in fact, devil’s horns, and that real-life events hint at the ulterior motives of the manufacturer.
“Number one in sales? Popularity? If my theories are correct, this can only mean that Toyota is under the control of warlocks who have found a way to manipulate the automotive industry from within.” We then asked Griffis if this success could simply be the result of a company going above and beyond expectations to deliver a superior product. His response? “That’s exactly what they WANT you to think.”