If you’re at all familiar with the tremendous breadth of my award-winning, once-in-a-lifetime journalistic work—which has been lauded as the most important writing of the modern era—then you already know that my genius is only surpassed by my humility. And yet, despite how humble and amazing I truly am, even I was recently astounded and perplexed to discover that I might be a living god and perhaps the embodiment of earthly power and fortune. This is not the sort of thing one expects to wake up and discover, and yet a recent accident on a highway in Los Angeles provided indisputable evidence that this is the case.
A Dramatic Video
On March 23 of this year, an incident occurred on the 118 Freeway in Chatsworth, a suburban neighborhood in Los Angeles, California, that was fortunately captured on the dash cam of one Anoop Khatra, who was driving along and minding their own business (I assume). The camera footage depicts an unusual event as a Kia approaches a Chevy truck on the highway, both traveling along and also minding their own businesses (I assume), when something I would best describe as “interesting” happens: the Kia flies into the air!
In fairness, the Kia doesn’t just soar into the air under the exertion of its own willpower; what happened was the front passenger-side tire came off of the Chevy truck and casually drifted into the lane of the Kia, and the Kia then drove into it. As it did, the tire forcing itself under the Kia sent the car into the air—not just a couple of feet, but absolutely soaring into the air—where it did a sick half-roll before landing on its roof, then rolling over back onto its wheels. The fact that the Kia had the wherewithal to do a flip in mid-air is clear evidence of the impressive engineering that goes into these vehicles. Well done, Korea!
Why Does This Mean I’m a God?
This is the question you’re probably asking yourself—which is understandable because I haven’t explained it yet, dummy. Just the day before—the literal day before this crash occurred—I was heard by numerous witnesses loudly lamenting the lack of flying cars. This was in reference to the sorts of sci-fi films and TV programs I enjoyed in my youth and how they speculated what the technology of the future would look like. Prominent among these depictions was the idea of flying vehicles—Back to the Future II providing one famous example.
Yet here we are, demonstrably in the future, and we don’t have flying cars. Sure, we have the Internet and smartphones, but, like, 95% of the functionality of those things is porn. Once you’re done hitchhiking under the big top, what’s left to do with modern technology? We were lied to, and so I called out to the heavens about the lack of flying cars.
The absolute very-next day, what happened? A car flew! This can only mean one of two things: either there was a completely normal event that coincidentally occurred the day after I made a statement that, in an oblique way, could be seen as connected to it, or I’m a literal deity born not of mortal clay but of the celestial nectar dripping from highest boughs of the world tree. When written out that way, the reasoning seems pretty simple and straightforward—there’s no way that sort of coincidence could occur, so, clearly, I’m a god.
What Does This Mean for the World?
With my new godlike powers, I’m committing myself to deliver on the future that we were promised in the 1980s; that’s right, my friends and readers—all flying cars all the time! This Kia has opened my eyes, and it’s clear now that flying cars won’t happen through some sort of anti-gravity technology, magnetic systems, or other forms of propulsion. If we want cars to fly, we need to make it happen through simple physics and the best engineering that South Korea has to offer. I’m committing myself now—as this world’s youngest-ever god—to sending every Kia on the road flying skyward toward the heavens, and I’ll be using the sturdy tires of Chevy trucks to make this dream a reality for me and for all of you.
Kia drivers, I implore you to get up alongside any and all Chevy trucks you can find. I’ll be doing my part to ensure they’re loose and ready to start meandering into your lane, but I need you to meet me halfway. I’m a god, not the God, so my powers are somewhat limited. Get alongside those Chevy trucks and wait… I’ll be there, keeping things interesting—so brace for impact and get ready for unbounded freedom as you hurl toward the fluffy arms of the waiting clouds above. Together, we’ll create a better world!
Editor’s Note: Although we’ve been unable to verify the writer’s claims of divinity, two of us here in the editing department have Kias, and we’ve realized that just this morning we parked next to Chevy trucks. What this means for us when we go to start our vehicles and head home after work today is uncertain, and everything just feels so… up in the air. Thank you.