2018 Buick Regal

Gardner, MA – It was 4:18 AM on Saturday, July 7th when the Gardner Police Department was dispatched to the scene of a motor vehicle accident reported by the early morning prep staff of a local Dunkin’ Donuts. No, not the Dunkin’ Donuts diagonally across the street from the Police Station. Also, not the one on Timpany Boulevard. And, no,  not the one on Parker Street, either. The accident occurred at the Dunkin’ Donuts on Pearson Boulevard (not the one inside Mr. Mike’s, but the one seventy-five yards away) next to the railroad overpass. In fact, it was the absence of elaboration as to which Dunkin’ Donuts was the scene of the accident that led to a significant delay in police response. Upon arrival, the GPD found the street-facing corner of the store impacted by the collision of a 2018 Buick Regal. In his statement (to first responder Sergeant Jeff Ticonderoga) the store’s night manager Bill Bower stated, “My world-class team and I were hard at work, when suddenly the entire building shook with a deafening noise. At first, I think we all thought that we were experiencing some kind of earthquake. All I kept thinking was, ‘But it’s time to make the donuts!’ but as we made our way from the prep-kitchen out back, we saw that a car had crashed into the front of the store. Once the smoke settled, we could see that the driver appeared to be a teenager.”

Courtesy of his MA Drivers’ License, the teenager in question was identified as seventeen-year-old Kevin McMaster of Winchendon, and the vehicle was registered to his maternal grandfather, Eli Drouin of Lunenberg.

According to Sergeant Ticonderoga,”Following an examination by EMT responders, it was determined that the driver had sustained no physical injuries from either the collision or the discharge of the driver’s side air bag. Clearly disoriented, he was removed from the vehicle, to assess his mental state and identify whether or not he was under the influence of alcohol or narcotic substances.”

While this segment of questioning and testing yielded no indication that the teenage driver was operating under the influence, it exposed a question which would derail the investigation.

“In accordance with standard procedures, I proceeded to ask Mr. McMaster specific questions regarding his personal identity. Having already confirmed his birthday at September 8th, 2001 and his address as 187 Baldwinville State Road in Winchendon, we could properly assess his mental state. Needless to say, we were taken aback when he confirmed his birthdate as April 7th, 1944 and his address as 14 Maple Street in Lunenburg. We then asked him his name, and his reply was ‘Eli Drouin’.”

“Needless to say that we contacted Mr. Drouin immediately, to alert him of the vehicle theft. Upon doing so, we were presented with another factor disruptive to our investigation. Mr. Drouin was keen to advise us that his grandson could not have been driving the vehicle, because he (himself) was Kevin McMaster.”

“At that point, we visited the elderly Mr. Drouin at this place of residence, accompanied by his grandson. At that point, the two proceeded to recount the events of earlier that day, resulting from Mr. Drouins acquisition of an African totem depicting Munga Wa Roho, the Swahili Elephant God of Souls.”

The following appears outside of official record, since there is no sanctioned means of attributing the otherworldly powers of a Swahili deity to include “body-swapping”. According to Mssrs. Drouin and McMaster, they had been spending time together earlier that afternoon, with the grandfather sharing stories of his youth and career in archaeology.

According to Mr. Drouin (from inside a teenager’s body), “There we were, seated beneath the totem of Munga Wa Roho, when my grandson made the mistake of saying, ‘I wish I could live your life’ and the rest was history. You see, people complain all the time about Hollywood making the same movies over and over again every few years, but some of those movies are cautionary tales. Frankly, once they stopped making ‘body-swap’ movies like Freaky Friday, this sort of thing was bound to happen. You just don’t go throwing around statements that begin with ‘I wish’ when you’re surrounded by ancient artifacts. I’m just sorry for the damage I had caused, as I must have dozed off behind the wheel. I guess I’m just not used to high school parties, anymore. But I’ll be damned if I wasn’t going to have some fun until we received our shipment of nectar from the Mti wa Kubadilisha plant. It’s the only way to reverse the body swap.”

That shipment is expected to arrive in 6-8 weeks. Needless to say, Mr. Drouin might just have the best summer he’s had in a while.


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