Listen up, you misbegotten collection of ill-tempered household pets, freeway wanderers, and mind-swapped war criminals in the bodies of potted plants. (Yes, I know my audience – we have all this data for a reason). But seriously, listen up; I’m about to share something important with the lot of you. I’ve put in the time, I’ve done the research, and I’m going to help you decide between two of the most popular luxury SUVs in a comparison: 2020 Cadillac XT6 vs 2020 Buick Enclave.
Now, I could quote you a bunch of specs and statistics, but that’s not what you want. You could look those things up yourself, and even then, it’s not what you’d want – because you’re a real American, so numbers and facts don’t matter to you. Hell no. What you want to know is how these two vehicles make you feel – that’s far more important than some melon-farming numbers on this Monday-to-Friday website!
I’ve traveled all over talking to people, and one of the ways I like to break the ice when starting a conversation is to ask a person if they prefer the 2020 Cadillac XT6 or the Buick Enclave. Since I always have a recorder on, I’ve captured a lot of answers, and I can share them with you now.
Jersey “Little Flower” Ortiz; Rockway, IN
“I don’t drive – I prefer to transport myself from one location to another simply by jumping repeatedly and allowing the earth to move beneath me, taking me where I need to be. But if I did have to choose, I’d probably go with the Cadillac XT6. I really like the combination of letters and numbers there; I’ve always felt a strong connection with the letters ‘X’ and ‘T.’ In fact, those are my birth letters – the letters that presented Sesame Street on the day I was born. The number 6 has always had a significant meaning for me since I was six-years-old when I was born, and my parents had six children before selling a few of them off for scientific experimentation.”
Milburt Hallsworth; Fort Porkins, OH
“That’s an important question you’re asking there, and one I’ve actually considered quite a lot. I’m in the market for a high-quality luxury SUV, so both the 2020 Cadillac XT6 and the Buick Enclave appeal to me. Just a few weeks ago, I spent some time with both vehicles, and I’ll tell you this: neither one of them has enough soup-carrying capacity for my liking.
Sure, they both have large interior space for whatever I need to take with me, but that means I need to package my soup in a number of containers. I have a standard 80-gallon tureen, like anyone else, but I prefer to keep that around the house. When I’m on the go, I like to be able to keep my soup free-range, not restricted by pots, bowls, or other such. So what am I going to do with these two SUVs, have my soup just sloshing about among my ankles?
I’m looking for a vehicle that has simple, comprehensive soup storage solutions that I can utilize. And don’t tell me about available packages or options – I’ve been down that road, and it’s a recipe for heartbreak. No, no, I want an SUV that meets my needs and really lets me know that it understands my passion for soup.”
Kelly Bliss; Bayside Palisades, CA
“I want whichever one has the most powerful engine, but I don’t really understand what that means. Like, I can look at numbers and stuff – like horsepower and twerk or whatever, but what does that really mean? Is a bigger number always better and stuff? Or like is it sometimes like not that way or what?
Cause I was talking to my friend Lisa, and she was like whatever and stuff, and like she said that the 2020 Cadillac XT6 has two different engines and stuff, but like the Buick Enclave has like only one, right? So she says that’s dumb, but I don’t really know she knows what she’s talking about, y’know? Like, her last boyfriend Al was such a jerk and everything like I dated him after her, but her taste in men sucks, so what does she know about like a luxury SUV?
But I saw the Cadillac has an available 3.6L V6 engine with 310 hp and stuff, but like the Buick has like, the same engine. Like the same! So what’s that about? Like, get your own engine or whatever, y’know? C’mon.”
Bill Williams; [redacted]
“Who are you? What are you doing in my basement!?”
Estefan Mobilius; Birdtown, NJ
“I’m a real size king, you know? You know. So I like to look at this as a question of what’s bigger… what’s going to really give me what I need. The Caddy XT6: it’s 198 inches long and 77 inches wide, with over 78 cu.ft. of interior cargo space. That sounds very satisfying… for all my cargo.
But looking at the Buick Enclave, it’s 204 inches long and 78 inches wide, which is even bigger – with 97 cu.ft. of cargo space. That’s so much, just so much cargo space. I’m the kind of guy that really wants all that room for my cargo. So I’m looking at the Enclave and feeling pretty thirsty about it.”
Courtney Pembrose; Solstice City, AZ
“I’m really glad you asked me that. So many people ask me out, and we get drinks, and all they want to talk about is what we do for a living or how many followers they have on social media. But you, you’re really real. So you want to talk about the Cadillac XT6 and the Buick Enclave? I like that…
I’ve bought quite a few cars and SUVs over the years, and I’ve found that I never really care about the engines they have or a lot of other features. I’ve had crappy old cars with half the speakers not working, broken air conditioning, and only one seatbelt. And I’ve had amazing new cars that have all the bells and whistles, with built-in microwaves and plenty of soup storage, all that stuff. But ultimately, I find none of that really matters.
What ends up mattering the most to me is the hip room. I’m talking front row, second, third, all of it – I want to know how much room my passengers and I have for our hips. So the Cadillac model gives me 50 inches of front hip room, 55 inches of second-row hip room, and 39 inches of hip room in the third row. Pretty good. Now, look at the Buick: 59 inches of front hip room, 57 inches in the second row, and 48 inches of hip room in the rear.
That’s amazing. That’s the kind of vehicle that you can trust and enjoy driving for a long time. Even after everything else has broken down, when the engine is barely running, the brakes are shot, and you only have three wheels on it – you’ll know the folks in the third row have plenty of space for their hips. Beautiful – gimme that Buick for sure!”
There you have it, folks.
Editor’s Note: We made numerous attempts to reach out to the people quoted in this piece in order to verify their statements and accounts, but failed to track any of them down. Except for the soup guy, we found him, and he was more than happy to confirm his stance on soup-needs in relation to SUVs. Since we verified the one, however, we’re willing to assume the rest of this piece is authentic – consider it adequately vetted. Thank you.