Moscow, Russia – As part of a public address held earlier this month, Russian President Vladimir Putin was present to address certain accusations that had been levied at him, regarding collusion with the American automotive industry. Albeit indirectly, the accusations regarding Russians negatively impacting Chevy trucks for sale were first inspired by Democratic Socialist Senator Bernie Sanders while meeting with United Auto Workers and their families last month, to discuss prevailing cultural woes at General Motors.
Well-known as a soundbite darling, Sanders had offered such gems as, “If entities like General Motors think that they can throw workers out on the street while they’re making billions of profit, then move to Mexico and pay starvation wages and then line up for federal contracts, they’ve got another thing coming” might rate very high with disenfranchised UAW employees in Detroit, but their raucous applause might have left the group ignorant to some of Sanders’ follow-up commentary.
In light of previous findings, The Lemon’s crack-team of researchers were tasked with examining low-volume sections of Sander’s address to determine if there was any questionable content to be found in Mr. Sanders’ intermittent mumbles. And sure enough, it was discovered that he had, in fact, accused the powers-that-be at General Motors of having “immoral Russian ties,” a dangerous claim which has become far more radical in light of the Mueller findings.
Sanders had attempted to clarify the footage, claiming that he had actually said “an oral wash and ties,” after remembering that he’d failed to answer a personal aide who had asked him earlier if he needed any personal items from Target. We’re not buying it but, at that point, the shit-storm was already in full swing.
Like a sex-starved Corgi who just discovered a child’s stuffed animal, GM’s CEO Mary Barra was quick to pounce on the accusations, stating, “We’re not interested in validating such reckless commentary with an unnecessary defense.” That said, she was quick to redirect the accusations as well, suggesting that, “Perhaps Mr. Sanders’ tunnel-vision perspective regarding American corporations has him confused, and he meant to suggest a relationship between Russia and our friends at FCA.”
While some chose to interpret the implication as ‘good-natured ribbing,’ others were quick to suggest that Barra’s comment was linked to the RAM 1500’s besting of the Chevy Silverado, for the #2 truck spot during Q1 of 2019. Ever since quarterly sales results had been released in early April, GM seemed fixated on invalidating those numbers, like some kid who’s trying to figure out why there’s a moist, circular hole in the anus of their favorite stuffed animal. Accusations quickly flew with GM claiming that FCA had falsified sales data, recompensing dealerships for their complicity.
And while Mr. Putin has always displayed a quiet calm in the face of collusion claims, he was quick to separate Russia from GM’s claims.
“Зачем нам это делать? Конечно, нам нравится оперативная память. ОЗУ сильная. Он ничего не боится и имеет могучие рога, которые он использует, чтобы пронзить своих врагов. И да, Таким образом, ОЗУ очень похоже на Россию. Но Сильверадо? Что за хрень Сильверадо? Звучит как детская ковбойская игрушка с розовой шелковой рубашкой. Возможно, именно поэтому меньше людей купили Silverado. Возможно, именно поэтому так много американцев несчастны. Возможно, им нужна могучая сила ОЗУ, но все, что они получают, это ковбойская игрушка в шелковых рубашках. Не то чтобы я называю Америку или ее лидеров ковбойской игрушкой в шелковой рубашке … ”
Which, we believe, translates to…
“Why would we do such a thing? Of course, we like the RAM. The RAM is strong. It fears nothing, and has mighty horns which it uses to impale its enemies. And yes, in that way the RAM is quite like Russia. But the Silverado? What the f*ck is a Silverado? It sounds like a child’s cowboy toy with a pink silk shirt. Perhaps that’s why fewer people bought the Silverado. Perhaps that’s why so many Americans are unhappy. Perhaps they want the mighty strength of the RAM, but all they get is a silk-shirted cowboy toy. Not that I’m calling America or it’s leaders a silk-shirted cowboys toy…”
Granted, The Lemon doesn’t have a Russian translator on payroll, so we’re relying solely on Google Translate. That said, if any of the above is wrong — and if there’s any factual inaccuracies, danger of misreporting, or risk of triggering WWIII – we humbly ask that you blame Google.
